I am a dashing figure, renowned globally for my wit, good looks and quality headwear. I run like the wind, even barefoot on hot pavement. I choreograph praise-winning ballet, I ride my bicycle even faster up hills than down and I cook Two-Minute Noodles in 90 seconds.
Strangers at bus stops are awed when I draw up plans to remodel the wind shelter into a more heat-effective and aesthetically pleasing shape. I offer free legal advice to pet owners. I can tread water in a Disney character costume for two days; I drink nine glasses of water each day. I manage my time efficiently.
I enchant foreign dignitaries with my godlike tuba playing. I always complete my tax return on time and wrangle deductions to offset almost all of my assessable income. I am an expert in lawn mowing, a veteran in love, and a fugitive in the United States.
In my spare time, I give pro bono dental examinations. I win raffles; I am caller number nine. My Hotmail account receives no spam.
Mothers love me, fathers admire me, children and animals trust me. One Tuesday, I wrote seminal responses to every debate in GD, but didn’t bother to hit submit. Armed with a rake and dressed only in my underpants, I once single-handedly drove back a plague of locusts. I am passingly acquainted with Cecil Adams.
I once read War and Peace, The Bible and a Bangkok road map in a single afternoon and still found the time to wash the dog. I receive fan mail. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I remain standing.
–
Wee!
Let the truth be no obstacle in your own Wild Boasting!
My coming was foretold by Nostradamus. I was the model for those giant head statues on Easter Island. I singlehandedly represent the greatest challenge to U.S. hegemony in the Western Hemisphere. I took Guinastasia’s cherry. I carry a genetic marker that shows up in over 100% of the world’s population. I am worshipped by the Hmong people. I am the fifth dentist surveyed.
I gave mouth-to-mouth to an entire cage of sodden hamsters in the Chicago Reader’s basement. I parted the waters to carry Cecil and his desk to safety.
See, I was believing this up until this point. I’m afraid this pushed you past my gulibility threshold.
I once destroyed a communist horde armed only with a toothbrush & 3 somewhat stale pieces of toast.
Im living proof that your dreams do not always come true, but that you CAN live with the shitty hand you have been dealt! I also know that Lemon Juice is much better than just sucking on a lemon!..Unless that lemon is in a cold glass of diet coke, then i’m all about sucking on lemons!
I know I am just THAT good!
HAHA…I also know that I laugh at myself on a regular basis!
Suffice to say, this thread would not be all that interesting if I didn’t post on it. Once word gets around that I have posted here, this thread will be deluged with readers who once again want to bask in the splendor of my wit, and posters who want to be able to say that they posted on the same thread as I. There will be weeping among those who fail to post promptly, and are therefore sentenced to be on page two, far away from my post and the reflected glory of my wisdom.
Go now, and spread the word that Kallessa has posted.
I tried to post in this thread earlier, but my enormous penis kept getting in the way. Fortunately, Jennifer Connelly has taken care of that problem for me now.
I can roll a perfectly conical bifter in the time it takes to play the Mission Impossible theme tune.
I can measure the momentum AND position of a quantum particle simultaneously.