I’ve trained an aardvark to fetch me a Diet Coke and a stack of saltine crackers.
I shoot rockets from my sockets.
I have a weekly backgammon game with Ian McKellen. We’ve been playing for over six years but I’ve never yet managed to persuade him to say “You shall not pass!” during a game.
I have 6 toes on my left foot, but only 4 on my right, so I can still count to 10. 20 if I take my mittens off. 30 if I take my mittens and socks off. 40 if I take my… wait, TMI.
I taught Taylor Swift how to whistle.
As a medium, I can channel a woman from the prehistoric Niktuk tribe from what is now Suriname. I can’t understand a single word she says.
I live in a house made of various cheeses.
I own a washer and a dryer, but never use either. I’m a nudist.
I am the I in IPhone. I was going to call it the MePhone, but it wasn’t grammatically correct.
A DNA test I recently took revealed that I am the love child of Warren Harding and Greta Garbo.
I once refereed a chess game between Jack Black and Jack White.
Two Truths and a Lie, you guess which :
- I’ve killed a man
- I will kill in future
- It burns when I pee.
I once broke up a fight between Susan Dey and Shirley Knight.
I use a real live mouse as my computer mouse. They can learn surprisingly fast when they are hungary.
I always serve cuisine from eastern Europe at my Thanksgiving dinners: Hungary and Turkey.
I’m not surprised one bit that you forgot to fry in Greece.
For ten years I made a living (and paid off my home!) working as a greeter at my local Walmart. Then our state legalized pot.
Due to a passport mixup, I spent a month as the personal chauffeur to the President of Estonia.
I am number 2,658,002 in the presidential line of succession. Nobody get any bad ideas, now.
I have a subscription to the Bad Idea of the Month Club.