I have been a registered war refugee.
My home burned to the ground, insurance only paid a bit on my personal property.
I was once arrested for inciting a riot.
Two are true; one is not - any guesses
I once started a “Two truths and a lie” thread game.
Due to a driving mixup, I now have an Estonian passport.
I once cameoed in a movie alongside Steve Buscemi.
I give 110%.
I once canoed over Niagara Falls with your dentist.
I am the fifth dentist: the one who doesn’t recommend sugarless gum to my patients who chew gum.
I am not a failure
I don’t really like cats or dogs. My pet goldfish sleeps at the foot of my bed.
My banjo restringing company recently listed on the Estonian Stock Exchange.
At night I sleep rolled up in an enormous, freshly-made pancake.
Every night I cook a massive pancake.
Every night I eat a giant pancake with a meaty filling.
I am a giant pancake with a meaty filling.
Thats what my wife said
I’m often mistaken for a meaty pancake with a meaty filling. It’s hazardous for me to walk into a restaurant that serves pancakes, so I’ve just stopped going to those places. 
I actually prefer giant meat-filled waffles.
Some of my best friends are waffles.
All of my friends are meat-filled, except for one positronic robot.
I’m the happiest person in the world.