“I’ll be right back” - I say that every time I go out the door no matter how long I’ll be gone.
“Oooh, look at the deer (or bunny or chippy)” as I look out the door trying to get them off the couch to go potty.
Oh yeah, “Cats don’t eat [whatever it is I’m eating]”.
Or, “Dogs don’t eat [whatever it is]”, depending on who’s asking.
When I leave: “You’re in charge”
Looks at user name. Reads post. Head explodes.
I adopted a senior dog some 13 years ago. He had hip dysplasia and severe arthritis, yet he still loved to go on walks. He couldn’t run, he could only kind of shuffle along.
But during our walks, I used to tell him that he was the fastest dog, wow, look at how fast you are! I can hardly keep up with you!
I loved how he used to grin at me with sheer joy on his face whenever I praised him for being so fast.
CeltDog picked up on the fact that the word “chocolate” means he is absolutely, positively not getting any no matter what. “No chocolate for puppies” was the phrase that started it, and it’s uncompromising for the excellent reason that chocolate can be toxic or even fatal for dogs.
So anytime I am really truly not planning to share so much as a lick of the plate of whatever I’m eating, I say “No chocolate for puppies” and he goes away huffing his disappointment.
It’s technically true, except that the plate may well be full of turkey and dressing.
I used to keep pugs. One of them was very jealous of the other dogs.
I had a stuffed toy pug that I kept up in my closet, and every now and then I’d take it down and hold it as though it were a real dog. I’d tell Chubby “this is our new pug and you’re going to have to make room for her in the dog bed, and share your food with her.”
She’d screw up that little black face into a scowl and let loose with a howl. Then I’d let her smell the stuffed pug so that she could see I was just teasing her.
However, in two months, she’d forget all about it and fall for the trick again.
I do the same with our dogs and they eat it right up! Maybe they’re related 
.
That just made my day!
As my dogs are not really smart (sad but true) and my Siamese cats are more intelligent than some humans, I have to pick my lies carefully. I tell my 2 dogs in a sing-songy voice how ugly and dumb they are, they don’t care and love me anyway, and the cats just shake their heads and look bored. Kills 2 birds with one stone. (I know, bad axiom).
Mine too. 
As I was getting the pork loin ready for the grill with a very attentive dog looking up at me, I borrowed the phrase, “You wouldn’t like this.”
I tell our dog what a dodo she is when she’s actually one of the brightest dogs I’ve known. She’s not very smart by human standards, though.
To Daisy our smug, shrimpy schnoodle-dog: *“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and the world’s full of hungry pit bulls.” *
To Tibby our chaotic, cocksure cat: “The killer bees have arrived and plan on stinging your ass the second you sneak outside—get your nature fix watching the gerbil cage.”
To Snickers our gullible, geriatric gerbil: “Don’t be afraid of Tibby, he just wants to be your friend.” (Regretfully, Snickers lost trust in me since losing half his tail).
Sometimes my husband will go to the back screen door, look out intently and start growling. Our dog’s ears perk up and he bounds over, staring out to see what Dad is growling at. Dad starts doing the “warning woof” noise. Dog is getting excited. Dad opens the door and yells “Go get it boy!” Dog bounds outside barking excitedly and then stops, confused.
There’s nothing there. We’re inside laughing.
We can’t do this too often or he starts getting suspicious.
I play Communist with my cats.
I place a cat in my lap, belly side up. Scritches and pets. Then I ask, “What’s your name?” I continue to ask this question until the cat makes a noise. Then I respond, “You lie!!” while gently brushing my hand across the cat’s face in a slapping motion. Repeat until one of us gets tired of it.
Moments of amusement.
I’ll bet the cat has the SPCAES on speed dial. :dubious:
Toilet water is the best water.
If you don’t stop that, I’m going to tell everyone at The Straight Dope about what you did.
Even Cecil.
It works.
In my dreams.
Our herd is biscuit-crazy and know what “biscuit” means. We’ve been using “b word” as code to discuss if they’ve had some, if we need more, etc. They’ve caught on to what it means, so we need to find another code word.
We were using “wavy bacon” as code for that form of canine crack, Beggin Strip. That code didn’t last long.
“Leavened Things”
“Flour Things”
“Gravy Vehicle”
“Not Rolls”
That should get you through three or four days.