Life Inside a Computer Game?

Cafe Society
21

Ahh, Donkey Kong.

I stood up from where I was lying in front of the Citadel. Oddly enough, when I awoke there wasn’t a leash tying me to the wall. This time I was tethered to a tree.

No problem. I strutted over and ripped the tree from the ground with one hand, then hefted it thoughtfully before holding on to it.

The villagers were beginning to come out of their log huts and stare at me as I headed down the hill towards them, so I made water on a garden to show that I meant no harm. I tried to encourage them in forming a line dance, but they stood around uncomprehendingly. I tossed the tree with my leash on it into the wood chipper in the workshop, and the leash disappeared.

“This place needs more luvin’!” I thought to myself. I picked up a few men who was close to my paw, made a complicated gesture with the other, and when I put him down they all rushed over the nearest females and planted a big wet one on her.

The Hand became aware of my actions. Spake the Hand: “1. What the…? 2. Dammit, that was my fisherman! 3. No wonder I’m running out of housing space. 4. Bad tiger!”

The hand swooped down from the sky and knocked me to the ground. The beating continued until the Hand felt I was groveling sufficiently, then grabbed my leash and dragged me off to another part of the island. It then set fire to a number of bushes, then handed me a fireball.

Huh. A big ball of fire. Thanks, Hand. I bet the villagers could use it - they seem to eat nothing but raw grain, and some bread would go over very nicely. So I lobbed it over the mountain towards the village; I’m sure the screams echoing through the valley were of joy.

22

BraheSilver : Black & White.
HPL : Command & Conquer.
Kantalooppi : Jagged Alliance 2?
DarkVixen : Warcraft III?
So polite of these monks to leave their gold so accessible. Just keep it dark, boys…

Hm, there comes one of the guards. And there he goes… I love this cloak… better get him out of the way. TINK Say goodnight, Gracie…

So, where can I find that blasted recording? Hm, maybe if I send a rope up there… worth a try.

23

Toffe: Nooo. Skeezix got it, though he didn’t (directly) reveal it.

24

Damn! Here I am hanging from the ceiling again! And it’s crowded! Give a guy a little room, eh? Hey! Where’d they go? Oh well, at least I can breathe a little now. Wait! Oh, no! I’m falliiiing …

Damn! Here I am hanging from the ceiling again! …

25

rjk : Tetris?

26

The door was still locked. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand it. Here I was, in a nice farming village, and I had entered every house except this one, which remained locked. I wandered around town looking to see if there were a key hidden on the ground somewhere, or a lever that might unlock the door, but was unsuccessful. I tried talking to people until they repeated everything they had already said, but that too was unsuccessful.

In frustration I searched through my backpack. In it, I found the usual stuff: various food, thirteen different kinds of weapons, four suits of armor to sell at the next shop I found, a metal bar, a strange idol, two of the nine treasure map pieces, seven scrolls with hints from previous puzzles on them, twenty-nine potions of various ability, a fornax plant I needed to bring to that guy in Rovarria, an egg for that guy in Brakine who had that treasure map piece, a piece of rope, a magic helmet that I needed to find the spider gem for to activate it, some healing herbs, a “strange rock” that I need to get identified, four torches (note: buy more), the runestaff, and the charm of opening for the Southern Temple. Nothing that would help with this door.

The thought of leaving town without having opened this farmhouse door was tempting, but could I live with that? What if there was something I needed inside? What if there was someone inside who might have a clue for me, might need me to retrieve something for them, or might be able to buy or sell goods? I checked the scroll I had that told me what quests I was still on, and sure enough, I’d finished up everything in this town, so the door was the only reason to stay.

Loading my backpack up again, I set off for another circuit of the village. Consulting my map, I realized there was a small spot near the edge of the woods that I hadn’t meticulously filled in with detail of the surrounding terrain. Perhaps there I’d find the way to unlock this door. If not, I’d try talking to the villagers again.

27

The music! For god’s sake, stop the music! If I have to listen to that vapid little sixteen-bar… AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!

===================

Okay, guys, let’s go. You stand there. No, there. Good. You? Over there. Right. Next, you stand there. No, there. THERE! WHERE I’M POINTING! Sorry. Okay, that’s good. Keep formation, and let’s go.

Okay, everybody into the building. That building. The one I’m pointing at. Yes, now. Yes, stay in formation.

Weren’t there four of us? Crap. Everybody back outside.

You. Yes, you. Which part of “INTO THE BUILDING” don’t you get?

Okay, let’s try it again. INTO. THE. BUILDING.

NOW!!!

Wow. Wonders never cease. We made it.

Oh, look. Monsters. Kill them!

Where are you going? Don’t you see the monsters? You’ve got the armor & shield, get up there!

You! Why are you casting that spell? Use the ATTACK spell, I told you to ATTACK! Morons.

Hey. You’re facing the wall. The monsters are behind you. You know, where the PAIN is coming from? Turn around and ATTACK.

Christ.

28

What? Okay, geezer, you want me to resurrect the Universe, and the Genius and the Five Continents, and the happy little villagers that I accidentally froze by smashing pots on a door. SO WILL YOU LET ME GET ON WITH THIS SHIT INSTEAD OF SAYING GOODBYE TO THE WHINY TOKEN GIRLFRIEND. Come on, Grampy, I care for Elle, really I do, but it’s not NECESSARY that I have to go and say goodbye while she locks me out of her room and cries. I KNEW she won’t give me much of a bleedin’ farewell, but you forced me through it. Thanks. Could I not have just gone to save the world already?

29

My first gut instict is to say “Ultima 7 before the key patch.”

30

Heh, well, there’s definitely elements of U7 in there (as well as other Ultimas), but it’s pretty much just a generic computer RPG. I’m playing “Divine Divinity” (fin game, stupid name) now, and it’s very similar.

31

Two years ago, in the Year of Our Lord 1560, the future seemed bright for the Byzantine Empire. Only 140 years before our crumbling nation consisted of only two provinces, Thrace and Moria. We were surrounded by Ottomans and menaced by various Catholic nations, who boldly claim that the one true faith is heresy. The Ottomans had been given permission by the previous leadership to travel freely through our lands. Then our new ruler declared war, first on the Duchy of Athens, and then on the Ottomans themselves. After fifty years of war the Byzantine Empire was ten times it’s size in 1420, ranging from the provinces of Dobruja and Albania in the west to Trabizond and Sivas in the east (and our loyal vassals Karaman own Armenia, Kurdistan, and Nuyssabin). We then had a period of long peace, during which our missionaries convert many of our Sunni provinces to the Orthodox faith, interrupted with a brief war with the Venetians so we could claim the islands of Ionia, who had long desired to leave their Catholic opprssors.

All was going well for our great nation when the Knights Hospitaler declare war on us from their tiny island of Rhodes. At first we saw this as a good thing, as we have always wanted to lay claim to the various islands of the Eastern Mediterranean but did not want to declare another war on a Catholic nation ourselves. Before we could send a fleet of transports for an invasion we realized that the Knights had an alliance with Spain, and brought them into the war. Before long armies of thousands were landing in Macedonia and Trabizond, and our military technology could not match that of the evil Spaniards. We fought valiantly but even with a 3 to 1 advantage our brave soldiers could not overcome the Spaniards. The Spaniards demanded all our richest provinces, which had thousands of ducats invested in them over the years. We refused to give them to them, but as the war drug on we not only had to fight the Spaniards but also war-weary revolters. Eventually our ruler realized all was lost, and vanished from the world.

32

Badtz Maru – sounds like Civ, or something close to it.

Walk through town, kick in door. Walk through town, kick in door. Walk through town…

Hey! Did that statue just move?

This sure is a lousy pub. First they sell me some bad swill, then when I want to clear my mouth with wine, they tell me to go get my own bottle from the cellar! And there’s no light in here either.

I’d love to leave town, but the gate is blocked. Maybe if I try the back street… that didn’t work too well.

Now that we survived that battle in the castle, how exactly was an entire company of castle guards able to fit through the door to attack us? Never mind the three companies right behind them, or that we kicked in the door first.

Snarl. Just pass the ale and play something. Anything. Anything except “Dance Macabre.”

33

Sounds a bit like FF*

34

That was supposed to say “FF8”. And if you’ve ever played Discworld 2, its like this… Rincewind provides a running commentary on all the useless items and quests he has to do… quite funny.

35

I don’t believe it. Someone else has actually played Terranigma.

36

I believe that is Fallout. Read all about it here.

37

Here’s one that’s actually from a game:

“At last! Allt he pieces are in place! Now all I have to do is eat this special plant, and then when I sleep, I’ll enter the dream-world, where I can conquer the villain! One bite of this plant is all I need to save the world! But…whew! I’m stuffed! I don’t think I could eat anything else right now! Saving the world will have to wait until I’m a touch hungry again!”

38

NO! NO! Europa Universalis II

One of my favorite games but you need to upgrade to the highest patch, download the EEP and play with severe restrictions on your actions to make it competitive but it is fun to play :slight_smile:

OK. 4 satchel charges, check. Crappy pistol, check. Hop into that Beddy.

Listen to the engine of the Beddy while driving out of the base. Oops, a PZ IV is sitting right out of town. The Beddy driver hits the gas, weaving all over the place. Machine gun tracers everywhere but no red vision of death.

Still alive and Beddy still driving. Out of range of the PZ IV. Voice from beyond the grave says he is dead but there is still 5 of us left.

OH Crap! A 110 saw us! He’s coming to strafe us! More tracer fire and dust kicking up. Damn that Beddy driver is good!! 110 coming around for another pass. Oh good, Beddy driver found some trees and is hugging them. 110 keeps looking but can’t find us.

There is the goal. A mound of dirt with a German flag on it. Holy crap, there are 5 panzers and many infantry hanging around. Beddy weaves and zigs. Tracer fire and explosions everywhere. Beddy starts smoking bad.

Get off truck running to mound of dirt holding satchel charge in front of me with both hands. Oh please let me get just one charge down!! Closer, closer. Gun fire everywhere! Putting charge down!! Almost down!!! BRAP! Red vision of death…

39

I don’t believe two other people have actually played it. No one ever knows what I’m talking about in the Best Game Ever threads.

40

Battlefield 1942? That and Europa Universalis II are about the only games I play these days.