Life Inside a Computer Game?

Bob staggered briefly, managing to keep himself from falling asleep before he hit the floor. His startled shock was replaced, however, by relief…

The green crystal was gone.

He tried not to think of who it had attached itself to for now. Marching some poor soul around their own home like a marionette. But Bob didn’t care about that hypothetical ‘someone’. For now, at least, he was free. Free to ignore the ever growing list of duties that the crystal hung above his head. Lawn care at 3 a.m…having to strike up conversations-or worse-with boorish neighbors…the hollow, mindless ‘entertainment’ from the few luxury items the crystal had provided him…Yes, but now Bob was free. Free to-

Bob found himself marching outside, towards the mailbox. He tried to resist, but the only motions he could still control were the ones the crystal wanted him to make.

It had returned.

With a final outpouring of all the hate and grief his soul had left, Bob was able to force himself to stop in his tracks, and swivel to face his cruel tormentor. He waved his arms, as if to gain it’s interest, and screamed, begged, a piteous call for mercy in a language not even his own;

“KeeVAAloooh!”

Ranchoth - That is classic! I loved it! My wife is so addicted to that game she is playing like, well, like she is me or something!

I can’t breathe in this shirt! It’s a bit…uh…constricting…uh…around the chest. In fact, I’m so damn top-heavy that I might fall over any second! Bloody skinny legs!

Now you want me to run around down here and shoot stuff? And what is with these shorts? It’s fraggin’ cold down here in these caves! And what am I looking for again? I am so sick of these bloody artifacts! And what is with that *&(^%& T-REX?!

Memo to Underlings re: Housekeeping

A few things have come to my attention. First, it seems we have a lot of spare ammunition lying around the place. Now, this seems like a good idea, except for two things: Most of the ammo is for guns we don’t even use, and all of our guards have guns that never run out of ammunition in the first place. So basically, we’re just holding all these bullets for the next secret agent who breaks in here to disable my Orbital Laser. I want somebody to go around and pick up every single magazine in the lair and melt them down.

On a related note, can we do something about all the First Aid kits lying around? When I first read about them in Evil Genius Monthly, they sounded great: first aid kits that can instantly and completely heal gunshot wounds, burns, broken bones, or the effects of poison gas. I figured with a bunch of these things, my army would be unstoppable. Unfortunetly, none of you nimrods ever use the damn things! And once again, they just end up helping out our enemies. The last nameless, taciturn hero who came through here used up forty of the damn things before the flesh-eating zombies got him. If we didn’t leave these things all over the place, he’d never have made it past the robotic crocodiles. Let’s get rid of these things. Or even better, dump out the contents and fill 'em with cyanide. Might as well get some use of them.

Finally, the doors. Apparently, we have two kinds of doors: the kind that any moron off the street can waltz right through, and the kind that you can’t open with a bazooka. So, why do we always have the first kind guarding the Orbital Laser Control Room, and the second kind securing our terribly vulnerable broom closets? Can we get somebody on this before we launch my global campaign of terror? I’ve been plotting this since my days at Dartmouth, and I am not going to blow it this late in the game.

Thank you for your attention, and remember to fear your Dark Lord.

"Criminy! Look at all those invading aliens coming down from space! There must be … oh, I don’t know, 55 of them at least, all marching across the skies of Earth. Why the heck hasn’t our militray responded? Darn it, we’ve got the best, most high-tech army and air force money can buy, and not one of them has moved out yet. If they don’t hurry, those marching aliens will land on us!

Wait a minute … looky here! Somebody left the keys in his pick-up truck. And what a lucky surprise! In the back of the truck, he left an anti-spacecraft cannon pointing straight up and an infinite supply of ammo. Hmmm … the transmission only has one forward and one reverse gear, though. Oh, I know what I can do! I’ll get underneath the aliens and drive the truck backwards and forwards while I shoot up at them!

DAMN! I didn’t count on them dropping bombs shaped like giant drill bits. They just blew up the pick-up truck while I was still in it. Miraculously, I was thrown clear and I don’t have a scratch on me. Oh well, I’ll just use one of these two identical cannon-equipped pick-up trucks that I have left over and try to dodge those bombs next time. They look pretty easy to dodge, too, considering how slowly they fall."

tracer: Foolish human! You should have shot where I was going to be, not where I was!

The police had nearly caught their man.

The lunatic had appeared out of nowhere on a city street, armed with an improbable arsenal of weapons - machine guns, grenades and a flamethrower, among others. His rampage had no seeming rhyme or reason, as he randomly killed civilans and police alike. The madman even shot down a police helicopter with a bazooka, before carjacking a sports car and leading the police on a reckless chase through the city streets.

Now he was cornered, having left the open streets to turn down the narrow alley behind the parking garage. Three police cars charged after him, sparks flying as they scraped the alley walls. The target could have escaped down a side passage, but instead chose to head up the ramp. Trapped!

The officers looked at each other, puzzled. Why were they in this narrow alley? Why were their sirens on? None of them could remember. They switched the sirens off and drove away, as behind them the freshly repainted Stinger pulled out of the Pay & Spray garage, its driver laughing.

Legomancer, that’s got to be Ultima Underworld II. I loved that game.

AndrewL, that’s GTA 3.
Here’s my contribution:

I’m having trouble breathing… darkness spreading at the corners of my vision. And that voice, booming, yet insectile: “Olly or bayse R B long tewus.”

Blasphemer!!! How dare you mistake Battlefield 1942 to the great and divine World War II Online! :mad:

Tomb Raider

“Come here. Come HERE. FOR GOD’S SAKE, COME HERE!!! Sorry I yelled. Here, take my hand.”

::yank::

"Don’t look at me like that. You’ve got longer legs than me, keep up. Will you stop stumbling!

"Oh, this place just keeps getting better. Here, climb up…what do you mean you can’t? Just jump up one foot and grab my hand. Oh, for…okay, okay. Stay there.

"Mutter mutter. Arms are killing me. This wall is filthy. Right, now to…oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap LET HER GO! Arrgh, get OFF of me!

“You’ve got to stop getting dragged into those pools, girl. No, keep hold of my hand…RUN! RUN! Open the door. Faster than that! OPEN IT!”

::zzzap crackle::

“Whew. Oh good, a couch. Let’s sit down.”

Once again, my thoughts turn to you, as they always have. I wonder, as I lie here among the wounded, the dying, and the maimed, if all this pain is really worth it. By God, yes! If our children can grow up free, then all of this will truly be justified.
Never again shall we have to suffer under the tyrant we called Princess and her toadish sycophants. We shall be lead to a glorious time were our people can live to ouyr fullest. I look forward to that day, and to the day when I can again feel your sweet embrace.
Please excuse my handwriting, as I have had painful spasm since that d----- Italian stepped on my head.

With all my Love,
Walter Goomba.

~From Ken Burns’
Super Mario Bros.

I rather enjoyed it. It also would have been nice if they could have tied in with “Illusion of Gaia”, but Alas.

It did feel rather uneven at points, and at times, I wondered if some of the story wasn’t lost in the translation.

Drastic: Ico, right?

Probably because you wrote that in a way that made it sound fun. :smiley:

Sheesh, can’t a guy get a break around here?

Okay, off we go, tripping and stumbling over each other, let’s get that new tunnel dug out of…

OW!!

Okay, okay, no hitting, I’ll dig faster, I will! There, the new anteroom’s dug out. Time to lay the floor tiles. And again. Almost done. Hey, one o’ you guys wanna get to work on shoring up these walls? You know you’re gonna get sma…

I told you. Hurt, didn’t it? C’mon youse guys, keep moving. Gold? What? There’s a new seam opened up on the edge of our territory. Let’s go let’s go let’s…

OW!!

Okay, so I’m running faster, I’m running faster already! Sheesh. Dig, dig, dig, dig…

Shit! Who let the guys in white get in here? I ain’t no combatant! Run for it fellas! Let them lazy buggers stop eatin’ chicken and deal with the invaders. Me, I’m leggin’ it for safer ground.

(Ranchoth, that’s got to be the best Sims review I’ve seen yet. Kudos.)

Alien Spacecraft Attack City - Again

By Thomas Generic - Boogersnotville Daily Times

Several sections of downtown Boogersnotville were reduced to rubble yesterday by enormous alien spacecraft. The alien craft were familiar to long-time residents of Boogersnotville, as they tend to appear on an irregular basis, bringing with them chaos and destruction, and forcing our citizens to mill about in the streets in a distraught fashion.

Most disturbing about their current visit was the destruction of the industrial section of Boogersnot Heights, a large and productive cluster of factories which employed hundreds of residents and produced many fine products, none of which could be identified as of the time of this report. The residents of the luxury condominiums adjacent to this industrial park went on record as being relieved that their view of the nearby river was now unobstructed.

This incident follows in the wake of the severe flooding, tornadoes, earthquakes, fires, and several giant monster attacks of the past week, which have created considerable concern among local citizens. One man, who wished to remain anonymous, commented: “It’s as if our creator has abandoned us. As if we were only put here so that someone up there could watch us all suffer and die. What kind of god could cause this sort of thing to happen?”

He then wandered off to brace his home for tomorrow’s predicted hurricane.


If you haven’t seen it yet, check out Adventurers!, where they explore the depths of the RPG world. They also have the world’s coolest t-shirt, a picture of an NPC saying “There are many guards in the castle.”

Skeezix: Dungeon Keeper, yes?

I felt myself materializing to the usual intonations: “Adun, sanctu, verata…” I shook my head and looked at my summoner - spindly little guy, grey skin. Not a patch on the wizards we used to get, before the world fell apart.

Anyway, he brings out a couple more of my buds, then points to us and then motions behind him. We line up and look around. Holy James, this guy was powerful! The energy was just streaming out of our heads, and that fella just stood there like he didn’t mind the rain.

We follow the guy as he heads down a hill, and in front of us lies a mass grave of corpses, some ours, some theirs. Souls glow in the twilight, but there’s already some scavenging going on - little fellas with needles carry the bodies off the field away from us.

My master spins around, and we’re hard pressed to scoot around behind him. From the right, Cogs come screaming down the hill, their little gears wailing as the blades slice the air. One comes up and chops my friend in two before my leader even notices.

He takes a look at the approaching horde and waves his hands around, then he’s legging it off to our altar so fast the air blurs behind him. Hey Boss, I can’t keep up!

Boss? Boss! Oh… Nice dragon…

Well, it’s a nice, quiet day in space…
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.
AUUUGHH! Asteroids! (blam, blam, blam, blam, blam) LOOK OUT! Alien spacecraft! (blam)
Whew. They’re gone.

Ship’s log: Some time in the 1980s.

On course to target bay; ETA 3 days, due to the barrier islands in the area. Intel reports a hostile fleet – a carrier battle group – protecting the objective. Our escorts for this LST convoy are armed with large caliber cannon in case of just such a threat, yet a battle avoided is better than a battle won. There is a water-filled cavern in one of the islands; I’ll send the convoy through the caves and around the hostiles.

Ship’s log: Day after yesterday.

The cavern was the obvious secondary route; the enemy had planted surface mines and automated torpedoes along the way. Fortunately the torpedoes had no homing or guidance systems, so most of the convoy came through intact. However, the hostile CVBG has been alerted to our presence; battle is inevitable.

Ship’s log: The next day.

“Amateurs study strategy; professionals study logistics” – and both sides had the same inadequate professionals. Our C-squared systems allowed only one escort at a time to defend the convoy; the hostiles’ systems allowed only one element to attack at a time.

The enemy knew we were out here; they knew what direction we’d come from; they were already in a battle formation; yet they had no CAP cover or escort screen in place. The first wave consisted of one carrier-based bomber at a time. Did they never think of mass attacks? We lost two escorts to the bombers before the gunners (on the third escort) found their rhythm, and shot down the remaining planes. The second wave consisted of ship-to-ship shelling. Once again, bad doctrine all around: Their ships took turns firing, only one of our escorts at a time would return fire, and not a single ship (in either fleet) moved during the battle – except those that sunk. I wonder about the quality of a gunnery system that violates the physical laws of ballistics. In any event, most of the LSTs survived; we land the armor division tomorrow.

Ship’s log: One more day.

Another day, another case of bad control. The armor division refused to launch a mass attack, or even any sort of coordinated effort. The objective (the enemy’s theater command bunker) was at the far end of a wide ravine, protected by assorted anti-tank barricades, gun emplacements, and a last-ditch main cannon. Our armor division sent in one tank at a time, giving the enemy enough time between attacks to repair and upgrade their defenses. A quarter of the division was destroyed in the ravine during their approach – at least the hostiles were good enough to remove the wreckage. Three units reached the objective, and were lost while shelling the bunker; a fourth unit completed the job.

Mission accomplished.

Or my favorite:
Hundreds die in power plant explosion

By Ima J. Ournalist - Boogersnotville Daily Pickayune

The city’s coal-fired power plant, which has provided electric power to the residents of Boogersnotville for 50 years without incident, suddenly and tragically exploded this morning, killing every worker on the premises. The city remained without power until a new gas-fired power plant was erected on the same site and put into operation a few seconds later.

Miraculously, none of the flying debris from the explosion hit any neighboring buildings. “When I heard that loud boom and saw the expanding fireball, I thought for sure I was a goner,” said one eyewitness. “I was standing on the sidewalk only a few feet from the exploding walls. Yet for some reason I still can’t fathom, the flame and debris leapt straight upward and then collapsed straight down. I suspect that the explosion was caused by an experiment with a secret gravity generator that went wrong.”

Analysts, however, say that the sudden demise of the power plant was not at all unexpected. “For some reason physics has yet to explain, all power plants other than wind and hydroelectric plants explode exactly 50 years to the day after they first go into operation. This law of nature is so absolute that I’m surprised the power plant wasn’t evacuated before this disaster happened.”