Oh, and Manda, it wasn’t the wedding that was making me sad. She could keep her horrid bridesmaid dresses and dyed shoes and hour-long ceremony and all the rest of it. It was the marriage that was eating my guts out. The chance to start building a life together. Not just together, but TOGETHER. That was what I wanted, and for various personal reasons it was going to be another 5 years or so before I could have that. And I learned to accept that and find happiness in seeing someone I cared about happy.
Was it easy? God, no. Was it the best thing to do to preserve her happiness and our friendship? Yes, it was. In the long term, it was well worth it, and I think the effort might be worth it to the OP in the long term.
CCL, I’ve been more or less where Blalron is. He may be refusing to learn about the fiance because that’s the easiest way to hide his pain from his friend. He’s feeling immensely jealous and sad about the whole thing, and he can’t help how he feels – but he can help whether he expresses his feelings to his friend. Steering the conversation away from the fiance helps him keep his feelings more-or-less hidden from her, which is a kindness to both of them.
It’s a suck-ass place to be, Blalron, and if you take Manda’s excellent advice to give both of you room, it doesn’t mean you weren’t really the woman’s friend. You were her friend, you are her friend, and you’re doing both of you a kindness by creating space; as Manda suggested, you’ll be acting in the only way that has any chance of letting the friendship flourish in the future.
There’s also another kind of sucky possibility: if she feels guilty about you, she may be hoping you’ll give her space: she may dread hanging out with you and seeing your puppy-dog stares, but she may also love you (as a friend). She may think it’d be totally assholerific of her to cut you off, but she may be hoping you’ll cut her off, for both of your sakes.
Once you find the love of your life, you’ll be on much better ground to renew that friendship.
Friendship is sometimes about doing the hard thing. Love is sometimes about doing the hard thing. Making her suffer, making yourself suffer, is not loving to either of you.
My sympathies. As someone who’s been there, it can get a helluva lot better; you owe it to yourself to do the hard work necessary to try to make it better.
Yeah…or you could do the normal-person thing and move on to another ho since it’s obvious she just wants to be friends (which is girl code for she doesn’t find you attractive).
Just for the record, we all do agree that sometimes at least, both men and women say “let’s just be friends” when they really mean “I don’t want anything to do with you, but I’d feel too guilty/awkward/scared telling you to get lost”, right?
Can we also agree that “let’s just be friends” sometimes means “I think you are really nice and I enjoy your company and want to spend time with you but there is no chemistry happening here for me.” And sometimes it means “I’d jump you in a second if I were single, but I’m seeing someone else and am happy there. But I still enjoy your company and think that there may be something worthwhile other than mere lust.”
(I myself am guilty of both the second versions. I’ve tended to be more blunt than “lets be friends” when what I’ve meant is “get lost.”)
No your probably right. She could probably use someone else to talk to about how big her boyfriends cock is.
My advice stands. Stop pining over some chick you can’t have and start looking for other women.
Hmm, see this is where cloning would be useful. Not the grown-up-in-a-vat-in 6 weeks type of cloning, but more like the Multiplicity, Star Trek teleporter gone amok brand. That way there’d be two of this person. One for her fiance, and one for you!
Irrelevant point of order; if there ever are weddings where the minister says “…speak now or forever hold thy peace,” he is only talking about legal impediments to the marriage, such as being already married or underage. Standing up and wailing “but I want to marry her!” will make an arse of you, but not stop the wedding.
Not to be flip, dude, but do you drink? 'Cause if not, this sounds like a good reason to start. As a pal of mine wrote in a song…
“well I spend my life just looking at your picture
through the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam…”
Seriously…I feel your pain. Life sucks, ain’t fair, shit happens. I know it hurts and I suggest you enlist a designated sober person and just go get obliterated. Cry in your beer, pour your heart out, and generally make a drunken fool of yourself.
I know this is piss-poor advice, but it’s what I do. If you want good advice stick with lieu’s post.
He never says “is there any LEGAL reason why these two shouldn’t join” he simply asks “is there any reason?”
Why forever hold my peace if I actually have something to say? Bullshit. If somebody asks a question, they shouldn’t be surprised when an answer comes forth.
Do you actually understand the meaning of “Speak now or forever hold thy peace”? They are saying that you may speak now, but if you don’t the marriage will go ahead and you will have wasted the opportunity forever. In any case it’s superfluous now as if the marriage was illegal, you could simply go to the police at any time in the future and report that it was bigamous or whatever.
…why they should not be legally joined as husband and wife…
Has anybody ever actually been at a wedding where this was said? If they have, was it perhaps put in at the request of a bride with a taste for melodrama?
I’m going to say something now that you’re not going to like: you are not in love with this woman.
At least, not in the way that I understand love.
Love is what you get when you really, really know someone. When you live with them and have lived through their extraordinarily cranky moments. When you know each and every one of their (many) character flaws and still love them anyway. When given an option, you can state with confidence what the other will choose or say or how they will react.
What you have now is infatuation. You love the idea of her. That’s all you can love because you haven’t had the opportunity to go further.
Now don’t get me wrong. If you did have that opportunity I can fully believe that you would end up loving her for her rather than for the idea of her. But sadly you are denied that chance. That hurts. A lot. But don’t pull the wool over your eyes.
She ain’t that perfect, because there ain’t nobody that is. And if you think she’s that perfect then you don’t really know her. And if you don’t really know her then there’s no way you can really love her.
Now her fiance – he has been given that chance. And she’s been given the same chance with him. And they’ve decided that they do love eachother and they’re going to accept eachother warts and all. That’s pretty amazing stuff and you are a long, long way short of that kind of relationship with her. After all, you don’t even know the single most important figure in her life – him.
Sorry, kid. You’re young. These things seem like the end of the world at the best of times but when you’ve never actually been in a long-term, serious relationship you don’t even have the comparison to realise just what a tit you’re making of yourself.
I can only advise you that you have to move on, chiefly by realising that there isn’t even anything to move on from. If that’s too hard to do as it is, you must follow Manda’s advice. And sometimes that’s the only way to do it. I know. I also know that with the right attitude and the right understanding, you can eventually meet someone who will give you that chance and with whom you can fall in love. Time will tell.
Blalron, sweetie, I have been in a very similar situation. I feel for you, and I’m sending you big hugs and good vibes. You dear sweet thing.
Do NOT stand up at the wedding. Do not speak. You must suffer in silence.
I ditto what lieu siad. This is a GOOD thing because now the hope is GONE. She is officially unattainable, no mood swing or change of heart will occur now. Its definite and final. Move on to the bigger and better. Youre options are wide open and calling to you.
Friendships grow and change, and some do lose their strength and purpose. It’s ok to end them. And if she’s as wonderful and decent a person as you say, enough to warrant such adoration, then she knows your pain. By you fading away gradually into your own interests, that will make her feel better and not worry that you’re still hanging on. She will grasp it, and not be forever hurt by it. So you can be a friend to her and make her happy, and still make yourself happy by doing the healing you need to do.
Blaron, if you’re SERIOUSLY considering standing up at her wedding and making a scene, I think it’s pretty obvious you don’t really love her.
I hate to do the “if you REALLY loved someone you would…” argument, but that’s what it looks like.
I’ve noticed this about you in your rants about girls and dating-you seem to be more concerned with what YOU can get out of it, than truly caring about someone. If you’re really her friend, you won’t do it.
When I was a choirboy the wording was “any cause or just impediment”. And the priest also ordered both the bride and groom, as they would answer at the Day of Judgement, to reveal any reason that they themselves knew, warning that if God’s law didn’t allow the marriage, then they would not be joined by God, nor would they be lawfully married.
“But I love you!” doesn’t count. It’s not a reason why the marriage cannot go ahead. If you do it you’ll be making an arsehold of yourself and I’ll laugh in your face for it.