When toasting baguette slices on a non-stick crepe pan, remember to turn off the stove before taking the nice toast upstairs to the computer room.
Corollary 1: Try not to breathe vaporized Teflon.
Corollary 2: Always keep 3 or 4 extra crepe pans on hand.
Also:
When parking at the airport and in a hurry to catch your flight, and you lock and slam the door, do not hold the keys in your hand in such a way that the closing door will catch them and hurl them into the car.
I am confused by this. Don’t you pull your pants down before you sit down on the toilet? If not, maybe you should start doing that.
Check your tire tread depth more often. And leave the electronic stability control ON.
If everyone in your family and all of your friends tell you the relationship is a bad idea, listen.
Well, since you ask… possibly TMI follows
I don’t approach the toilet, stand still in a fully upright position with my back to the toilet, pull my pants all the way down to the floor, and then commence to bend my torso/legs so that my heinie can encounter the plumbing.
Mostly, all of that happens in one efficient fell swoop (as it were). I start to drop trou WHILE I’m bending and lowering my body, and [HERE’S THE KEY] if my back pants pocket is somewhat shallow and the pants I’m wearing are made of a slippery-ish fabric, the motion can push my cell phone up and close to out. It’s best just to remove cell phone from pocket before beginning this task.
Maybe if your phone is pretty small (but phones are HUGE these days, aren’t they?), and your pants pockets are voluminous and of grippy material (as opposed to slippery material), then your cell phone might be anchored safely in there. That’s good. Not always the case. Large phone, smallish pockets, slippery fabric—> conditions promoting a swim in the poop for your phone.
A girlfriend of mine was at some national park and used one of the latrine-bathrooms (not a portapotty), and her cell phone fell into The Pit. She got her husband to come over, he dialed her number, and sure enough, they could hear it ringing down in the depths. She got a new phone.
Japan is famous for its ass-washing sit-down toilets, but they also have fully plumbed squat toilets here and there. For using these, the correct practice is to lower pants completely to ankles before squatting. Foreigners sometimes get this wrong, and only lower their pants to their thighs; upon squatting, this inverts their pockets and empties phones, wallets and loose change into the toilet.
Yeah, I learned that one too.
Keep the money straight. ALWAYS.
Right. So like I said, lower your pants before sitting on the toilet. 
Don’t tell a freshly evicted, mentally unstable friend she can stay with you until she finds a place.
I get traffic alerts via text message. One that I had to screenshot, recently, during a recent ice/snow event, announced that an intersection was closed because two snowplows had gotten stuck.
Make sure the lid is on the bottle before you shake it up to mix up the settled contents. Especially if you’re at work, had been sick the day before, and really needed the liquid.
Never trust a fart.
And not from personal experience, but:
I’ve only had one “current coworker” as a friend on Facebook - a now-former boss. We were in a conference room together, the topic of FB came up, and she found me and sent me a friend request right there. It seemed imprudent to say “oh hells no”.
Heh. I had my hip replaced last November. I decided to hire a ‘plow’ guy for my driveway since I was going to be out of action. I pulled him out with my truck 4 times (recovering hip and all). He did not call to renew the contract
In my case, don’t participate in social media at all. That way I don’t have to remember who I said what to.
Or, as I’ve seen, how wasted you got at the party last night.
My former SMIL used to go on endlessly about how insightful, trustworthy, generous and compassionate she was. She could be those things, to be sure, but she made sure to be them very loudly, as if she was trying to convince herself. Later on when she divorced my FIL she became a psycho, vindictive, money - grubbing nightmare. Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone behave so badly during a divorce… And I’ve seen some nasty divorces.
If you see an ad for a product, and you didn’t know that product existed until you saw the ad, don’t buy it.
If someone gives you something you want to keep that can be easily destroyed in the wash, like a business card for example, don’t put it in your shirt pocket.
If you wear suede leather work gloves to handle very hot things like bbq grills, make sure there’s not a gaping hole in the thumb area.
If your soft boiled egg is underdone, microwaving it isn’t going to help.
- and people who say they have a great sense of humor and can take a joke … do not and cannot.
j
Unless you are a Mormon, don’t date Mormons.
This be funny! I hope I remember it long enough to use it.
Or worse, an unmovable black dog.
How’d that work out for you? Would we be able to tell if we met you? 
If people ever listened to this, the world would be a much happier place. Alas.
Thank god I missed this one.
Can’t think of one right now so I’ll go with Don’t tug on Superman’s cape
Except your kayak. Just make sure your J-bars are properly set up first. 