I never got the “facts of life” speech from my father. And at age 50, I don’t have any children of my own. or a wife. (I’m fairly sure those two facts have nothing to do with each other.) Increasingly, I find that there are a lot of life’s lessons that I either never learned, or learned way too late to do me any good. You know the “three date” rule? The one that says if you’re not sleeping with her by the end of the third date, it ain’t gonna happen? I can vouch for its accuracy, but never heard of it until the movie Cross My Heart came out in 1987. Sure wish I’d known about this in college and high school!
For the benefit of my fellow Teeming Millions, I will throw in some other nuggets of wisdom that I discovered the hard way, too late, or both. And for my edification, I hope you all will throw in some that you’ve learned as well!
Don’t paint anybody’s house, ever. Inside or outside. I mean unless you’re a professional house painter or something. But for a friend or a relative, don’t do it. No matter how good a job you do, they will find fault with it–a LOT of fault–and blame you for some real or imagined discoloration for the remainder of the time they live there and then some. They will actually think more highly of you if you make up some far-fetched excuse, refuse directly, or scream nonsensically and run out of their house upon being asked. You’re neither the first nor the last person they asked, and everyone else said “no” too; don’t break the chain.
Conversely, don’t ask anybody to paint your house either. Outside of beer commercials and movies about the Amish, nobody wants to paint your damn house. Whining to get them to change their mind will guarantee you’re off their Christmas Card list forever; just do it yourself or hire a professional. If you can’t afford it, I seriously question your “need” to have it done.
Got a pickup truck? Don’t help friends move. They are looking to get their shit hauled as cheaply as possible and I respect this. But your help in their time of need will not be appreciated, nor will it cement the bonds of your friendship. Stuff will get broken in transit, and you will be blamed for it forever. In at least one case out of three, they will avoid you socially forever after the move–probably because they can’t respect anyone who can’t evade this loathsome task.
The three-date rule? It’s more like a one date rule, really. She knows that soon whether she wants to or not, and the intervening two dates will make very little difference.
Don’t babysit, ever. The “harried” parents will lie shamelessly about the severity of the circumstance that makes them cross social and ethical lines by asking you to babysit their darling. This is traditionally a task delegated to middle-school neighborhood girls; if they won’t do it, there’s an awful reason which you’ll discover the hard way. And the “but there are no middle school girls in our neighborhood!” line? A lie.
She might not want to be known as the slut who will put out on the first date, though. If you’re only dating to get sex, then it would be more honest to just tell the women up front that you don’t give a shit whether they’re good company or not, you just want to know if they’ll have sex with you. If I was in the dating game, I’ll tell you this…I almost certainly wouldn’t have sex with anyone on the first date, even if I wanted to.
I think what he’s saying is that if there isn’t a spark on the first date, the second two dates probably aren’t going to lead anywhere (sexually or otherwise) so why bother prolonging the inevitable breakup/just not that into you/sorry I’m busy tomorrow. If you don’t feel the chemistry on date one, just leave it at that.
Well, this sounds to me like the woman in the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” She’s vacillating and being coy, but ultimately she wants to stay for the night as much as he wants her to. She wants him to make a show of working for it, though. And the women I date are 40 or older, and are a bit less worried about what they’ll be “known as,” just like I’m much less apt to tell tales in the locker room at 50 than I was at 17. I never was much of one for the locker rooms, come to think of it.
I don’t only date to get sex, but it’s certainly among the things I’d like, and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable thing to want. And while YMMV, every long-term romantic relationship I’ve ever had proceeded from sex on the first date.
It’s reasonable to want sex in a relationship. And it might very well be that she wants to have sex, too, but she wants to have a deeper relationship than just the first date.
I dated a grand total of three guys. I didn’t have sex at all with one guy (though there was a spark) because of his religion. I did go to bed with another guy on the first date, but we really, really clicked, and I dated him for about a year or so, I think. And the one I ended up married to…we were together for about six months before we had sex. We’ve been married for nearly 34 years, which is, I think, fairly long term.
I wouldn’t have sex with the guy for more than 3 dates, no matter what spark I felt. I’d just want to get to know him better. This 3 date rule seems really lame.
I think it was at least a month of dating before I slept with my now-husband. We’ve been married for 15 years, so I guess it worked out.
Before we got married? No. We’ve painted a lot of apartments and a couple of houses since then, though. Inside AND out. And we’re probably going to paint my bedroom over Easter weekend.
The three date rule is completely different for women, and is in direct conflict with yours. I’ve always heard “never sleep with a guy before the third date,” because otherwise the relationship will end up being based on sex.
So it appears that the rules you’ve learned late in life are that one should never put oneself out for another person; this may be connected to why you’ve not married yet!
I’m afraid life involves helping your friends out.
I had friend’s offer to come and paint the part of my house that I couldn’t reach (afraid of heights), it wasn’t a lot, but I didn’t press them into it, they offered. And I love them for their kindness. It was a snap for them and terrifying for me.
Likewise, I often babysit their child. I volunteer to babysit for friends, routinely. I enjoy it and am happy to come through for anyone in a pinch.
I also know several people with trucks who are more than willing to help me move things I need moved. Some have even helped me move house, when I was younger. In fact, I once worked for a man, who having bought a van, proudly went around the place of employment making a standing offer to help people who might not have a van to, y’know, pick things up, etc.
I’m with Candyman74 on this, one of the greatest pleasures in life is doing things for friends. So I can’t get on board with you on any of this, sorry.
And, on the other hand, I think Krokodil’s rules make a lot of sense. Some things I’ve learned later in life -
People don’t value things they don’t pay money for. You can do someone the biggest favour in the world, and if they didn’t pay for it, they aren’t likely to value it.
Helping each other move is indeed for young adults. When you’re all old enough to afford to hire movers, do so.
Listen to your gut. When you get more experience and knowledge, you know things that you don’t even know you know.
I think the “no babysitting” rule is about reciprocity - Krokodil doesn’t have kids, so it isn’t a case of trading back and forth, and that’s the same for us - I don’t babysit, either.
I think that it’s acceptable to set boundaries. The guy who is merely sociable to you until he needs to move, and all of a sudden he’s your bestest buddy and of course you WANT to help your bestest buddy move and paint? He’s a user, not a friend. The guy who helped YOU move (and possibly even move a body) and now he’s moving? Yeah, you should remember that you owe him one. Even if you did spring for beer and pizza. The thing is, I’m far more willing to do things for people who have been my friends for a while, even if I don’t think that they’ll ever be able to pay me back. A lot of people, though, are simply out for whatever they can get, and WON’T ever consider any sort of repayment. And this goes for the sex thing, too.
And just because someone is a relative doesn’t mean that s/he can be treated like a friend. My husband has several relatives who never contact him unless they want or need something. Then they’ve got their hand out for money, or help moving, or whatever.