Life's little heuristics

What heuristics do you use to get through life in one piece/as efficiently as possible? I’ll start:

Avoid drinking in any pub with a flat roof. You’ll probably be stabbed.
Avoid getting behind anybody over the age of 50 in a self-checkout line at a supermarket.

Avoid being in traffic behind a sedan driven by an old man wearing a hat.

It does seem like we have finally outlived most of them; you don’t see too many old men wearing a hat any more…

Give room on the road to any rental truck driver, they probably don’t do it for a living.

If there are a lot of people standing in line to the cash register, there’s probably a free one nearby. (People in general tend to congregate)
Everybody in the world consideres themselves to be an above average driver.

Avoid films starring Tom Cruise. He’s an albatross around the neck of any production he’s involved with.

When entering a big parking lot, always go to a spot that you immediately see is open. Don’t waste time driving around looking for the BEST spot.

When driving, always leave room for an ‘out’

Brake, then steer.

When you’re out of money, stop spending.

Avoid red cars driven by young blond people.

Smile at children and little old ladies.

Everyone has a dark side; even you. Don’t be surprised when you see one.

It is better to say too little than too much.

Sadness is a given; misery is optional.

Feelings won’t kill you; what you do with them may.

Never say, “Never” or “Always.”

Find the balance.

Treat yourself at least as well as you treat your cat.

If you ask what a word means, and in reply you are given a link to Urban Dictionary… don’t. For the love of all that pure and fluffy, don’t.

My Dad warned me about those guys. It’s like they belong to a club old farts. You don’t see them much anymore, but boy did they used to terrorize the roads.
Never play cards with someone named Doc.

Paraphrasing Nelson Algren,

Never eat at a place called Mom’s
Never play cards with a guy named Doc
Never fuck anybody crazier than you are

I’ve been able to stick with the first two.


It’s never raining inside the bar.

Never drink in a bar without first checking out the restroom. Operable windows are a plus.

The best way to do it is to do it (Or as a friend used to say, ‘the best way to get down the road is to keep the drivers side door shut.’)

Your mouth probably won’t get you in trouble if you just keep it shut.

As a manager, 'Never get in between someone who is working and their work" (The only times that I have gotten in people trouble at work is when I violated this one.)

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.

I’d like to, but I don’t think I can afford to.

Don’t take any shit from a lover you would not take from a friend.
Don’t take any shit from your family you would not take from a friend.

Never sleep with a married man, you’ll only end up buying Christmas presents for his kids.

Always shave your legs, just in case. (Never mind about clean underwear in the event of a serious accident; if ever there was an excuse for soiled pants, being hit by a bus is a pretty good one.)

Don’t stick your dick in the crazy.

If it’s called “professional,” it isn’t. (This is referring to audio equipment but is probably applicable to other products.)

Don’t lean over to tie your shoe in a watermelon patch if you don’t want to be accused of stealing watermelons.

Don’t look for trouble. It can find you on its own.

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it’s due.
Do the crap that clutters up your life (paying bills, washing, ironing, etc) first - don’t let it accumulate to an unmanageable state. That leaves free time later for what you want to do, unencumbered by guilt for what you’ve left undone.

Even if you’re his wife? :dubious:

You’ve got two ears and one mouth for a reason. Not that I follow this advice…