Light bulb joke thread

Some Star Trek ones:

How many Vulcans does is take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many Betazoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to clutch her hair and moan, “Darkness…I sense darkness…”

Borg?
Darkness is irrelevant.

Klingons?
Klingons are not afriad of the dark.

Ferengi?
Depends on the type of light bulb you’re willing to pay for.

Star Fleet admirals?
Changing the light bulb would affect the cultural development of the room and is strictly prohibited by the Prime Directive.

Star Fleet engineers?
Six can do it in four hours, but you need it in two, so we’ll reverse the polarity and hope for the best.

In-jokes having taken over the thread, I’ll go ahead and post some saxophonists’ observations about Sigurd Rascher, a prominent 20th century concert soloist and teacher known for his insistence on playing saxophones and mouthpieces designed on Adolphe Sax’s original 1840s model; for his mellow, somber tone; for marketing a sax mouthpiece he recommended beginners play for an extended period without using other equipment; for inspiring many virtuosic modern compositions; and for founding a close-knit, sometimes cultish and reactionary following of students.

How many Rascherians does it take to change a light bulb?

a) Only one, but he has to have a bulb and socket engineered to Thomas Edison’s exact specifications.

b) Only one, but it takes him six weeks to get used to the new bulb.

c) Five. One to do it, one to write 158 Daily Exercises for the Light Bulb, one to organize a Summer Workshop and Large Light Bulb Ensemble, one to befriend composers everywhere and ask them to use light bulbs, and one to correct popular misconceptions about electric lighting.

d) None - they like it dark!

How many union members does it take to change a light bulb.

40 :mad: You got a problem with that?

How many Saudis does it take to change a light bulb?

  1. One to change the bulb. The others denounce the new bulb as a innovation foreign to their culture.

I’ve heard that one, only it was about Teamsters specifically.

How many WASPS does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to call the electrician, and one to mix the martinis.
(This is in the same vein as Snakescatlady’s version about sorority girls)

Posted by Ivylass:
Borg?
Darkness is irrelevant.

OMG, I thought that read: “Bork”.

How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s ride bikes!

And the follow-up lines to that one:

What do the Klingons do to the burnt-out light bulb?
Execute it for failure.

What do the Klingons do to the person who changes the bulb?
Execute them for cowardice – Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark, remember?

How many straight males does it take to change a light bulb in San Francisco?
Both of them.

How many crewmembers of the starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven

While transporting a Federation ambassador to an important conference, a light bulb in engineering burns out. Scotty complains that he can’t see to tend his engines with the lights out, so Kirk diverts course to the planet Alpha Gamma Delta Hydra Epsilon IV to find a replacement. The ambassador complains but Kirk overrules him and continues to the planet.

Once there, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and two red-shirted security officers beam down to the planet. After wandering around a rocky canyon for a bit, they find a native temple dedicated to the god Watt and filled with light bulbs. They start to collect some of the bulbs but are surprised by several of the natives. There is a fight, the two security officers are killed and the others are taken prisoner.

Meanwhile, in orbit, Sulu detects a Klingon warship approaching the planet. Unable to raise the landing party and unwilling to risk the ambassador, Scotty orders the Enterprise to leave orbit.

On the planet, Kirk, Spock and McCoy are brought before the village medicine man who orders the three to be executed for defiling the temple. However, before the order can be carried out, the village chieftain arrives and stops the execution. The medicine man and the chief argue, with the medicine man arguing that the three are somehow responsible for the disease affecting the chief’s daughter. In the end, it is decided that Kirk and the others will be locked in a hut overnight and executed in the morning.

Back on the Enterprise, the ambassador argues with Scotty, demanding to be taken directly to the conference. When Scotty refuses he invokes a little-known Federation regulation which allows him to take control of the Enterprise. He orders the ship to head directly to his destination at maximum speed, refusing to change his order even when it is pointed out that the course will take them directly through the Romulan Neutral Zone. With no choice, Sulu sets course for the conference.

That evening, on the planet, the chief’s daughter visits the prisoners to beg for her life. Kirk convinces her of their innocence and McCoy is able to examine her, learning that she is suffering from Rigellian Fever, which should be unknown on this planet. Kirk asks for her help and, as she has fallen in love with him, she agrees. Spock uses his Vulcan Nerve Pinch on the guard and they escape. The chief’s daughter tells them that their equipment has been taken to the medicine man’s hut and leads them that way.

By this time the Enterprise has entered the Neutral Zone and is surprised by several Romulan Birds of Prey. The ambassador panics and first orders the Enterprise to attack the Romulans then orders a self-destruct. Scotty relieves him of command and comes up with a scheme involving the transporter, the deflector dish and some gasses vented from the engines to convince the Romulans that the Enterprise is about to explode. The Romulans back off and Sulu is able to perform a high-speed evasive maneuver that gets them away from the Romulans and out of the Neutral Zone. The Enterprise heads back to the planet.

Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the chief’s daughter reach the medicine man’s hut and start searching it. To their surprise they not only find their equipment but also find a radio of Klingon design. They also find several crates of plants that McCoy realizes have great medicinal value. Kirk realizes that the Klingons are supporting the medicine man against the chief in exchange for rights to the medicinal plants.

The medicine man and his followers suddenly arrive and find Kirk and the others. The medicine man orders his guard to attack Kirk. They fight and after a rough start Kirk is eventually able to defeat the guard, though he does lose his shirt in the fight. The medicine man is about to kill Kirk when the chief suddenly arrives, having been brought there by his daughter who had slipped away during the fight. Since his daughter had been cured by McCoy he now believes Kirk and the others. He initially orders the medicine man to be executed but Kirk is able to convince him that the medicine man will change.

In gratitude, the chief gives Kirk and the others all the light bulbs they can carry. Kirk contacts the Enterprise, which has by now returned to orbit, and requests that the landing party be beamed up. As Scotty prepares to do so, the ambassador pulls him to one side and apologizes for his actions. He and Scotty agree to say nothing about what happened.

The ambassador beams down to the planet and is able to sign a treaty between the Federation and the natives for access to the medicinal plants. In the meantime, Scotty is able to install one of the new light bulbs in engineering. There is a tense moment when the bulb is turned on as it is feared that the alien bulb may not work with the Enterprise systems but after a few seconds engineering is again lit.

On the bridge, Spock asks if they have not violated the Prime Directive by interfering with the natives. Kirk says they have not, as no one should be ruled by light bulbs. McCoy quips that they helped the natives see the light. Spock looks confused but everyone else laughs as the Enterprise resumes its five year mission…

How many anarchists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them, but, for some reason, it never gets done.