Like a Cold, Wet Squirrel Nose to the Balls

So, I wake up at 5:30, as usual. I stumble five steps into the bathroom and I sit down on the toilet, still not quite able to bring my eyes into focus.

Then, I hear a strange “GLURG. BUBBLE. SPLASH” beneath me! Something bumps against my testicles.

I hop up and turn around and see a large, dark brown blob in the toilet. My first thought is that a very large lump of fecal matter has somehow defied gravity with its superior buoyancy.

Then, my engineering mind turns a gear, “But it’s strangely symmetrical?”.

I leaned over for a closer look, squinting, trying to force my eyes to focus, “It has a head? And Hair? What the hell is this?”

I leaned closer and squinted harder. It’s a damned squirrel. It stirs feebly. “Shit, it’s still alive.”

I decide I need some gloves to avoid a squirrel bite. I stumble, naked, to the garage. There is a strong, cold, north wind rattling the garage door. All I have there are motorcycle gloves and I don’t want to get them wet. I head back to the bedroom to get some pants and keys. Then I told my wife about it. She had the presence of mind to close the toilet lid to keep it from escaping into the house, then she goes back to bed.

I got some work gloves out of the truck and headed back to the bathroom. When I lifted the lid, there lies one dead squirrel. I assume he drowned. I wrapped up Mr. Squirrel and said a few kind words before I consigned his soul to the depths of the garbage bag.

As I later drove to work, I realized I was very lucky it was alive enough to pop up into the bowl. I can only imagine the ugliness of trying to snake that carcass out of the pipe.

I was also luck that it was feeble (or drowned) enough not to bite me in the balls. That would have been a fun story down at the local emergency room, now wouldn’t it?

“Sure you were sitting on the toilet. We get that a lot here.”

Wow. That would have scared the … um, shit out of me!

Oh my god. Where in the hell did it come from? Maybe the plumbing vent?

You forgot to add the part where you screamed like a 7 year old girl.

You must have, because I know I would have!

It must have come through the pipes since it was half drowned? It wouldn’t have just hopped into the water from elsewhere, would it? That’s the most terrifying story I’ve read in quite a while. Aaaaarrrrrrrgh!

Or at least yelled, “- - the FUCK???”

Maybe it was looking for some nuts.

What the hell did you eat?!?


Poor guy. Probably came down the roof vent looking for a warm place to hang out.

Is it merely an old wives tale that they chew the orhter guy’s testicles off in fights?

Have you written the screen play for this episode yet?

It’s Gold, Jerry!

And you thought only seals could balance a ball on their nose…


And nearly found it.


Not surprising.
The woman who told me also believed that thing about opossum reproduction.

That’s honey badgers, not squirrels.

The wise cracks to go with this story just write themselves.

I’m reminded of the Simpsons episode where Homer finds a slice of pie in the kitchen floor.

“Look! Toilet Squirrel!”

Or the obligatory redneck joke: Had I been thinking, I could’ve broke out the crock pot and I would have hot squirrel and dumplings waiting when I get home from work. Ummm, Ummm, toilet marinated squirrel. Just need some cornbread to go with that.

I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.

^^ ew!!

But maybe he was waiting for an angry beaver instead of your offerings, Tully. The shock kilt him.

eta: I shall forever hereafter LOOK before sitting! Toilet phobia now, thankyouverymuch.