So, I wake up at 5:30, as usual. I stumble five steps into the bathroom and I sit down on the toilet, still not quite able to bring my eyes into focus.
Then, I hear a strange “GLURG. BUBBLE. SPLASH” beneath me! Something bumps against my testicles.
I hop up and turn around and see a large, dark brown blob in the toilet. My first thought is that a very large lump of fecal matter has somehow defied gravity with its superior buoyancy.
Then, my engineering mind turns a gear, “But it’s strangely symmetrical?”.
I leaned over for a closer look, squinting, trying to force my eyes to focus, “It has a head? And Hair? What the hell is this?”
I leaned closer and squinted harder. It’s a damned squirrel. It stirs feebly. “Shit, it’s still alive.”
I decide I need some gloves to avoid a squirrel bite. I stumble, naked, to the garage. There is a strong, cold, north wind rattling the garage door. All I have there are motorcycle gloves and I don’t want to get them wet. I head back to the bedroom to get some pants and keys. Then I told my wife about it. She had the presence of mind to close the toilet lid to keep it from escaping into the house, then she goes back to bed.
I got some work gloves out of the truck and headed back to the bathroom. When I lifted the lid, there lies one dead squirrel. I assume he drowned. I wrapped up Mr. Squirrel and said a few kind words before I consigned his soul to the depths of the garbage bag.
As I later drove to work, I realized I was very lucky it was alive enough to pop up into the bowl. I can only imagine the ugliness of trying to snake that carcass out of the pipe.
I was also luck that it was feeble (or drowned) enough not to bite me in the balls. That would have been a fun story down at the local emergency room, now wouldn’t it?
“Sure you were sitting on the toilet. We get that a lot here.”
