There is truth to the OP. But there is also truth to the idea that often the people complaining that their circumstances are different and that nobody can judge them are exactly the ones who do, in fact, need to stop whining and get off their asses.
I already said that those people are just as bad.
But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about people who pretty much believe that the plural of anecdote is data.
I therefore humbly propose that the response:
become standard for those posts.
Guinastasia, I’ve seen that attitude in three main areas of my life – depression, weight issues and gender issues. I’ve found ways of dealing with all three, but I’m also aware that every situation and solution is different. And sometimes permanent solutions are evasive for some people.
Granted. And often the people complaining that their circumstances are different and that nobody can judge them are absolutely right. Is it then still considered “whining” to talk (“complain”) about their circumstances?
So how do you personally know how to tell who has a legitimate complaint unless you are well-acquainted with that person?
Would you expect someone who complains of having Tourette’s Syndrome to stop “speaking out” or making noises?
You have no right to whine about being so trigger-happy. I’m so fast I usually submit before I even finish the
Heh, I’m with you on this Guin.
The best way to think about life is “there but for the grace of God go I”, respect each others’ differences, and try not to be an arrogant, pedantic prick about it.
We all have our own talents, weaknesses and strengths (and thank goodness for that), none of which, if we’re honest, were conscious choices on our part. We’re all a complex product of our genes, personality and upbringing, we can be lucky or not. You can only work with what you’ve got, and it pays to remember that.
Part of it is being human, and most humans don’t have a degree in therapy. So we fall back on instinct, which unfortunately comes in the form of, “sorry you got raped. But when I was a kid we got raped three times a day, and we got over it.” That’s definitely not what someone needs to hear when they’ve just been raped, but I don’t think people are trying to one-up you, or diminish what you’re feeling. They just really suck at therapy techniques and they want you to feel better. If they didn’t care at all, they probably wouldn’t bother saying anything.
Which might be better a lot of the time, but humans aren’t good at keeping their mouth shut while listening to a fellow human’s problems. They want to fix it, even though they don’t know how.
So what is the downside of this type of behaviour ? The impression that someone thinks you are inferior? I see that this could be a problem and if it is, that is where one might want to look, at yourself rather than someone else’s behaviour.
There must be a lot of dopers who avoid the Pit and GD . I tread with trepidation everytime I post. Everytime someone calls me an idiot or says my argument is silly suggests to me that they think I’m inferior. I don’t like it, it ain’t never gonna change, and the only reason I’m still here enjoying the benefits of knowledge and advice is to accept the fact that I just have to come to terms with “my problem” and not let it get me down.
To defend the objects of your ire:
I’ve had bouts with depression in the past. I’ve taken prescribed drugs and professional counseling for it with no obvious results. For me the biggest problem with depression is the inability to get off your ass and make positive changes. However for me the unprofessional advice my father gave me years ago, to get off my ass and make things happen, and not to allow failure to keep me down, and not to expect someone else to do it for me has been the lifeline I needed to take advantage of the few “lucid” periods during the depression.
When I read that someone is suffering from chronic depression, they have obviously been diagnosed. The general rule is to seek professional advice and solutions, psychiatric and chemical intervention. . Doctors will tell me to eat less, but are quite happy to offer a whole range of chemical solutions to deal with an improper diet.No doctor has ever told me to get off my ass. Yet I can tell you that for the past two or three years I’ve been depression free as a result of my own efforts germinated by echos of my father’s blunt advice. I want to echo them forward and tell every depression locked person “Get off your fucking ass !” I sure don’t think they are inferior.
So when I hear people give advice that appears to be condescending and outside the norm of a socially acceptable tone, I’ll grant them an honest concern for others, devoid of any sense of personal superiority and that their advice shouldn’t be just ignored.
I don’t. But – and here’s the place where I probably differ from the OP and others here - I don’t expect random people on the internet to act as my support group.
The anonymous nature of the internet gives people the freedom to discuss things they otherwise wouldn’t bring up with strangers, but that cuts both ways. I do not expect them to take my word for it that my situation is different. If I announce that I’m depressed, I expect people to ask about my diet and exercise and all the rest; they are under no obligation to assume that I’ve tried all that. If I announce that I got fired from my job and can’t find a new one, they are under no obligation to assume that it really wasn’t my fault.
FWIW, I disagree with Msmith, but it’s a fairly common idea. Anyone incapable of reading that without getting worked into a lather needs to rethink whether they really want to read and/or discuss sexuality on the internet.
I think Guin has a problem with people who claim that “I can do this, so can you.” And she’s right to have that problem since people who claim that others can do what they can do are generally full of shit. They can’t grasp the concept that people are individuals with different strengths and weaknesses. Oh wait, Zoe said that already.
So much for Individualism.
I don’t pay any attention to people who say, “I did this and that and that and so should/can you.” They’re not worthy of my even caring about them, much less following their advice. I just dismiss it as “I’m not them and they’re not me.” I don’t have to listen to them. In fact, I don’t often ask for advice nor do I post much of my life online or tell anyone anything.
Just do what’s right for you and to hell with everyone else.
Excellent.
I’m personally thinking of someone like I Dig Bad Boys, who hasn’t posted in a long time, so some might not be familiar with her.
She had a host of problems that she was always starting pit threads on. Some were definitely attention-whorish. But likely stemmed from her lack of education and station in life, and the frustrations inherent in that sorr of lifestyle.
Dozens of dopers tried to point her in the right direction to get help. But as Guin says, all of our hints and answers, well there was always some reason it wouldn’t work for her.
That said, I agree with the OP for the most part. But a related issue, I find it just as annoying when someone makes blanket statements about some subject, someone else comes along and says “well, no that’s not really true of X% of the people you’re talking about because…”, and then the originator of that post claims that person is doing what this current thread is about.
(did that make sense? :))
Piker. I don’t even read the thread or think on-topic.
But that kind of thing never happens around here.
As a participant in that thread (and as one of the few openly celibate males over 30), I know the feeling of having a different perspective from the majority. For the most part, it’s a matter of comprehending a different perspective, even while not understanding it.
I’ve struggled with understanding how most people think of sex, and for years I thought of most people as a bunch of freaks, and it still seems weird to me. But, while my definition of love, sex, and marriage would define premarital sex as disrespectful/non-romantic/immoral, those are moral standards I can only apply and enforce upon myself. Someone with a different frame of reference could partake in the same activity and it would be harmless, because they don’t have the same perspective. So it’s not really a behavior that’s wrong or right, it’s the relationship between that behavior and their personality and individual moral code.
So, whatever works for you make not only not solve someone else’s problem, it could actually multiply it. That’s important to keep in mind when interacting with people. Maybe we all just need to be made to feel like the freak sometimes. just to be reminded.
I just wanted to agree with the majority here that this attitude is vastly annoying. Not so much because I wish these people had more empathy with whatever whoever is going through, but that it appears they can’t consider any scenario but their own. That’s just bizarre to me. I mean, surely some things have affected your family or friends, if not you personally. And it does come across as condescending, especially if the very advice offered is what has been tried, repeatedly.
That said, there are folks impervious to any suggestions out of laziness, stubbornness and/or willful ignorance, among many other things. They’re two different entities or apples and oranges rather. Like mentioned above, IDBB was a spectacular example. She wanted nothing more than ‘attagirls’ and reinforcement that what she was undergoing was the only way for the situation to be handled. Such was her reason for posting, along with copious amounts of bitching and inevitably trolling. (We can say that about a former member, right?)
So, if you can make a change by that as proffered, then do so. However, most have been there and done that unceasingly. If we haven’t failed and constantly got back up and tried again, we wouldn’t be baffled about what we should do differently.
~faithfool, recipient of the worst mother in the world’s “Get the fuck over it! / Just DO it for WE have all been able to! (and probably better)” advice – which never helped a damn bit, despite my best endless efforts
I’m with Guinastasia here… It’s maddening to be told that your problems pale in comparison to that of another, and that maybe you are a shitheel for worrying about such a trifling thing.
Even if Guinastasia did attack me without provocation in a recent thread which had nothing to do with me whatsoever. I am much calmer these days. No grudges will be held.
I agree 100%, Guinastasia. I have a suspicion that the “I got over it, why can’t you?” preachers actually haven’t gotten over it - they’ve just let it fester over time and become bitter and cynical towards anyone who chooses to address their problems.
You know, there is a really simple solution to avoid what you are complaining about. Don’t post about your trauma/depression/abuse/rape/cancer on a public message board. Problem solved.
Apart from themselves, it sometimes is done in support of someone else, as food for thought, an angle unconsidered yet, encouragement or, simply, for empathy.
Of course, everyone’s mileage varies. Perhaps it’s just better to come in and add an “If I was able to do it, anyone can. Just getchyer ass…” I don’t know. I’d always prefer the former over the latter.