Listen, stupid, the reason I'm swinging wide is 'cause I'm pulling into this

The BBQ Pit
1

fucking parking space, dickweed.

So I’m cruising down the aisle in the Wal-Mart parking lot, in front of Jo-Ann Fabrics down on the end. And I’m facing towards the Jo-Ann, you know? So there’s a parking space coming up on my right, so as I roll along I swing out to the left a little, you know, so I can get in there without having to crank it around. So for maybe a couple car lengths I’m over in the left-hand lane of the aisle, but there’s nobody coming towards me. There’s a car behind me but it’s way back there, just coming into the aisle, you know?

So I start to make my right-hand turn and pull into the parking space, and suddenly there’s this other car there behind me, poof, just like that, right at my right rear quarter. URK go the brakes, but no “thump” thank god, and we both go “um…”

And does she back up? No. She just SITS there. And after a minute, she kind of waves at me, a kind of noble gesture, like, “you go ahead.”

Well, shitfire, lady, thank you SO much for allowing ME to proceed upon my lawful way, because where does it say that you’re supposed to come zooming up beside me on the RIGHT just because I happen to be moseying along in the left-hand lane for a minute? What did you think I was doing over there, sweetheart–reading their vanity plates or something? Geez.

And hey, what’s the emergency, that you gotta whiz past me like that? They’re gonna be sold out of Easter window clings at Jo-Ann or something? Oh, you didn’t seriously think you were gonna squeak into that parking place ahead of me, didja? Playin’ chicken with the nice lady in the Dodge Caravan? “Oh, that’s a nice new '99, she won’t want any dings…” Well, fuck you, babe, AND the Toyota you rode in on. Me and this Caravan been up against some mighty tough competitors over at the Kroger Bumper Cars Facility, and hon, you ain’t even worthy to play on the Junior Shopping Cart Team over there.

2

I was the “other car” in a situation just like that.
Only I hit her. She was crying, “Oh, my beautiful new Mercedes Convertible I just got as a birthday present!”
Then she called the cops with her dashboard and they took down the info. But, since it was a parking lot, neither of us got tickets and since we both had the same insurance company, they asked no questions.

3

Nice, very nice.

Though it was missing words that would make me break out the dictionary and was a little short on the insults, I liked the use of profanity and you really cranked it up at the end, a beautiful touch.

I’ll give it a 9.5

4

I give it a 8.7, but only because you didn’t explain what, exactly an “Easter window clings” was/is. I know what each of those words means individually, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what the aggregate phrase means. (Easter windows? What’s an Easter window? Why’s it clinging? To what? Or who :eek:!?)

On the other hand, the dangling unanswered question of the eternal mystery that is “Easter window clings” adds a piquant uncertainty to the post that haunts, somehow. A melancholy overtone missing from most pit-rants.

Hell, I’m raising my score to 9.8!

Fenris

5

Damnit, this just happened to me at the damned post office. Mind you, there really is only one lane of traffic. You can maybe, MAYBE squeeze two cars through, but for the most part, it’s one line of cars. People wait patiently for people to pull out, pull in, etc. Okay, so I’m about to pull in to a space and I swing wide. All of a sudden I notice the car in front of me is backing up to get another space about 2-3 cars up which she has overshot. I’m not even sure she sees me, so the only safe thing to do is stay still and wait for her to get herself organized and out of reverse gear. So I wait. With my signal on to indicate that yes, I’m going to turn right into that open spot. All of a sudden, some FUCKING DICKWEED passes me on my right and WHIPS INTO THE SPACE I WAS GOING FOR. Hello? What does this turn signal mean to you? Why did you THINK I was sitting here?

I thought, you better be sending a kidney or some corneas, asshole, to justify that sort of of aggressive (not to mention dumbassed) behavior, but no, it was just some letter snafu. The driver didn’t even get out; it was the passenger who went in to have the intricacies of stamp-licking explained to him.

6

Before I can come forth with a rating on this pit rant I have but one question:

“You were signalling DDG, right?”

7

Fenris, a window cling is a thin sheet of plastic that sticks to glass, but not so that it can’t be removed (kinda like Colorforms). They’re made in different designs and are used for decorating windows, hence the name “window cling.” “Easter window clings” are those designed with Easter themes.

8

…and man are they UG-LY. Bunnies and lambies and fuzzy chicks and cute widdle painted eggies everdamnwhere. For once, I have to admit that the Christian versions are much better. Usually the Christians really suck at holiday decorations (who would want the ever-lame and oh-so-pious “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” on the front picture window, when you can have a much jollier full-color Santa Claus?) but in this instance I much prefer the more tasteful “Rejoice!” or just the generic ones with lilies and crosses, rather than the gag-reflex-inducing kitties and bunnies with paintbrushes in their hands, painting eggs, or worse, smooching. [Fenris, you’re right, we definitely need a barf smiley…]

Zenster, my man, you’re joking, right? Signaling to turn into a parking space? Sweetie, dunno what planet you’re from, but on my homeworld, people don’t pass in the parking lot. Passing is for the highway [she explained patiently, as to a child]. In the parking lot, you wait your turn like good little aliens, in line.

9

…and BESIDES, [rolling eyes and flouncing around in computer chair in complete exasperation at his failure to get the point] she was WAYYYY back there, when I was starting to swing out wide–who knew she was gonna step on the gas like that?

10

Thanks for the explaination Protesilaus and DDG…
I was reading it as Noun Noun Verb, as in Big Jack Fights…and it sounded like an action movie: Easter Window clings to helpless peasant’s face. :smiley:

Th’ things you miss out on when raised Jewish. I never had Plastic Window Clings, let alone Easter ones. I feel unfulfilled, somehow. I doubt they have Purim Window Clings. <sob>

:wink:

Fenris

11

I did see Hanukka ones this past season if you’re interested. :wink:

12

A crew cab duallie does NOT turn, stop, or fit into parking spots like your Corolla does. So quit honking and waving your hands like a nest of Yellow Jackets just fell out from under the dash. My truck is longer than an Excursion, so I need most of both lanes to turn into a spot, and I need the same space to back out. Deal with it. If you insist on playing games, my bumper/grilleguard or reciever hitch (morons come from all directions) is just about radiator height on your little car, and I weigh about 4000 pounds more. You have been warned.

13

Excellent use of Non-Existent Locations/Teams for effect!

Very nicely done.

14

** Gasp ** THAT WAS YOU??? :stuck_out_tongue:

Jeepers creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?

Cartooniverse

p.s. you sure as shit did have the right of way :slight_smile:

15

For your next car, I suggest one equipped with this absolutely amazing device: turn signal. Ah, the turn signal; know it, use it, avoid the infamous “WTF is that fool ahead of me doing?” syndrome.

16

Good lord, yes!! Of course, most people around here know to stay out of the way when you see a big truck manouvering into a space, but then the winter Texans show up and decide to play chicken. Open your eyes, already! I’m bigger than you are, I’m blonde, and I am not going to slam my truck into the car in the space next to me just so I can hurry up and get out of your way. Oh yeah, another thing… standards tend to roll. If you insist on stopping just inches away from my back bumper when I’m stopped on a hill, be prepared for me to roll towards you. I’m not peeling rubber off my tires just to make you feel safer. Get over it.

17

Did anyone else get the picture in their head from Serial Mom where Kathleen Turner stalks her neighbor and harasses her for stealing her spot at the Jo-Ann’s store? I am just PICTURING DDG as Kathleen…driving happily through the lot, until the bimbo pissed her off. Then, revenge time.

If you haven’t seen this movie (It’s a John Waters film), go rent it. Absolutely great.

Zette

18

Whenever I encounter this behavior, it seems to be when I’m on a city street and some moron is “swinging out” to go around a corner, and it really ticks me off. You’re driving a car, dammit, not a bike! Why the fuck do you have to swing wide to make a simple 90 degree right turn? And come into MY lane when you do it, when I’m coming toward you?

grain farmer, as for your vehicle being large enough to have it’s own zip code and actually being visible on Mapquest, tough shit. If you’re going to drive a freaking tank like that, be prepared to have some difficulties navigating with people in normal sized vehicles.

19

Duck Duck Goose, I feel your frustration. I live in an apartment complex, and have an assigned covered parking spot. The parking spots are narrow, and one is pretty much forced to swing out to the left and swing back in to park.

I can’t begin to count the times some clown has tried to squeeze their way around me on the right when I park. And for all you turn signal people, yup, I use it. Learned that the first time. But it seems that most people are either driving blind or just too damn stupid to notice it.

Oh, I drive a Saturn, so all that stuff about “big beast of a Truck/SUV driving with smaller cars” doesn’t count with me because I’m one of little cars, and it doesn’t make a difference. People everywhere have forgotten that it’s just not wise to pass on the right. sigh

20

I’m not going to disagree with you, but I have a theory. I know a couple of people who do this, and although it’s really annoying, they have sort of an excuse. They’re truck drivers. They’ve been driving big rigs so long that it’s automatic for them to swing out a little on those right turns. At least, that’s what they told me.