Living with (but separately from) the inlaws....advice?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Actually, I’m going to be the in-law. My daughter and her partner and kids have taken on a lease on a wonderful house that has a fully self-contained ‘granny flat’ in the back yard. So I’m moving in!

Good bits: it will halve my current rent, whilst only being a wee bit smaller than my present accommodation. I’ll be able to hang out with the kids more often, providing a sort of on-site babysitting service I guess.

Bits to be concerned about: I certainly don’t want it to be taken for granted that I’m going to be available for babysitting any time I’m home. Sure, I don’t mind the ‘Hey, can you keep an eye on the kids while I run up the shop for milk etc’. But we’re going to have to have some sort of ‘contract’ set up so that my time with them is not abused.

I’m a hands-off sort of mum otherwise…if the (big) kids have issues between them, I will NOT be getting involved. I won’t be using their house unless invited in, or if my totally disorganised daughter needs a hand doing some cleaning or tidying. I will expect the same courtesy for my privacy too.

Have any of you lived in this sort of situation, and what sort of problems did you encounter?

2

These are the issues I see that make me think you’re already worried about it…

providing a sort of on-site babysitting service I guess
don’t want it to be taken for granted that I’m going to be available for babysitting
if the (big) kids have issues between them, I will NOT be getting involved.
my totally disorganised daughter…

To me this sounds like you’re looking to be talked into moving there, not looking for reasons why it isn’t a good idea. How does the husband feel about it?

When my (now ex) wife and I were looking to buy our first house she floated the idea of buying a side by side with her parents (I don’t think she had talked to them about it). It was one of the few times in our marriage when I put my foot down and said no. I love her parents. To this day I still talk to them on a regular basis, but I had zero interest in sharing a wall with them. We lived about two miles away from them and IMO even that was a bit too close. Since it was constantly “We’re going to my mom’s for dinner” or “I’m going to ask my mom to help me with this” or “Let’s run over to my parents house and show this to them” it sometimes put a bit of a strain on the marriage (at least for me). On top of that, I think her mom wanted a break once in a while as well.
So keep that in mind. Are you okay with seeing them every single day? Will the husband have any issues with you being that close 24 hours a day? You imply that there’s already issue between them, you can say that you won’t be getting involved, but unless you do something to enforce that are you going to be okay with daughter showing up at your doorstep to unload her problems everynight? If you lived a few miles away it might mean she would have to put more effort into fixing those issues herself before she could come running to you.

I like your idea of coming up with a contract for them (again, it sounds like you already anticipate problems). Set aside a specific set of hours that works for you that they can use however they want. Babysitting, maid service, family mediation, whatever, when the time is up, you can go back home. You’re still her mom so you have to be careful not to be too mean about it, but you also don’t want to end up over there for 4 hours a day cooking and cleaning and watching the kid while you’re waiting for the husband to get home from work so you can talk to him about all the stuff daughter’s been complaining about.

3

How far away did you live before, and how much did you provide free babysitting then?

If you’re paying rent for the house, it doesn’t seem unreasonable for them to pay for childcare. Obviously, there’s some time that you want to spend with the grandkids. And being closer probably means there’s more time that you’d like to. But that’s still at your discretion.

I think it’s a great idea to sit down and talk about what you want and what you expect from the situation before you move in.

4

Husband is more than fine with the idea. He doesn’t have any immediate family here in Australia, but grew up surrounded by grandparents, aunts and uncles etc all living together, or at least next door!

There are no current ‘issues’ between them, but like any couple I’m sure there are bound to be at least some in the future. I only mentioned them to indicate that I’m not the sort of mother who immediately rushes to defend my kid/s when they’re having hassles. Unless it’s something major, it ain’t none of my business: my daughter can tell me whatever she likes, but I just refuse to get personally involved. That’s the way it currently is, and I don’t imagine it will change in the future.

I certainly wouldn’t be ‘there’ on a daily basis…a quick coffee and catchup perhaps, but nothing more formal than that. In terms of helping her around the house, I do that now sometimes when I visit anyway. I remember well what it was like having little kids and wish that I’d had a mum who’d sometimes come over and help me fold the washing or do the dishes. I’m definitely not going to be her housemaid!

I’m truly not worried, but wanted input from folks who may have been in the same boat who could perhaps share stuff that I haven’t thought of yet.

My sister was in a similar position with her MIL living in a cottage on their property, and I know for her it was at times difficult. The MIL moved from a small village in Europe, did not speak English, and doted on her son as he was her only child…he could do no wrong in her eyes, and it did cause much friction over the years…and I mean YEARS…she turns 99 next month! :smiley:

Despite all of that, my sister recently acknowledged that she would do it all over again if she had to…having a grandmother nearby for her three kids allowed her more freedom to work, study, explore options etc that she would never have had the opportunity to do otherwise. And I’m very different to Klara (the MIL). I don’t think the sun shines out of my kids’ arses, I’m far too laid-back to create hassles or get involved in others’ crises, and with the cheap rent, I’m already planning a long-overdue and well-deserved holiday!!

5

I only live about 10 minutes away now, and I’m ‘on call’ so to speak! More often it’s me offering rather than her asking for babysitting: when I know she’s got ‘stuff to do’ that dragging kids around behind makes more tedious and time consuming, I’ll just tell her to leave the kids here for an hour or two (or whatever) and she is always truly appreciative.

Again, I remember those early years, and getting kids in and out of car seats, into prams JUST to go to the post office or whatever still makes me groan! I really don’t know how I managed most of the time…and I had FOUR kids! :eek:

But I will certainly be setting up some sort of (semi-formal) contract. I love my grandkids to bits, and I want it to stay that way. :slight_smile:

6

If you’re all mature, considerate, non-taking-advantage-of-other-people kind of people, it sounds like it could be a really good situation all around (with the caveat that I’ve never done this myself). Setting your boundaries right at the start sounds like a very good idea - I think it would be very easy for the on-site babysitting to be taken for granted in a very short time.

7

Is it really fully self contained? They most often are not.

I would be checking and making agreements as required, ie: are you all sharing a hot water service, is it big enough, do you need to co-ordinate shower times? Will you flushing cause them to be scalded or vice versa? Do you have a separate entrance or will your visitors have to come via them? What happens if they are out, can you hear the doorbell? Do they want you to answer their door if you can? Do you want to? What about electricity/gas, fully separately metered or does that need to be sorted out? Do they have pets that will be crapping on your front step or making your visitors balk? Can your visitors let their kids/pets out? Do you have a separate mailbox or do you need to discuss who clears it and where it goes? Is it ok for you all to just appear in eachother’s doorways or would you like to run an intercom? Do you need to negotiate washing line time etc. Who mows? Will you share internet with them or have your own, if sharing how much bandwidth can you use? Is the wi-fi router strong enough to reach you? Does their using a blender futz your TV reception? If they miss a bill is your power cut off? If the kids flush a soft toy is your dunny the one that will overflow? As landlords will they fix broken stuff in a timely manner or expect you to put up with annoyances as a family member? Where can you or visitors smoke? Are overnight guests ok? If you have a fight will they kick you out without notice? When can the kids knock on your door or play outside your windows? Do they have to knock? When can your daughter use her key to your place? Is any of the yard yours or just inside the place?

It is usually money, privacy issues and resentment around those that trip these arrangements up, talk about them first with the nature of the set-up in mind. I have lived in a bungalow quite happily myself but have also known people tripped up by such arrangements, both in family and more formal landlord/tenant situations.

8

Yeah, it IS FSC. Separately metered for gas and elec, dunno about water yet though.
They’re not the landlords…it’s a rental property, so all complaints will go via the RE agent who will or won’t deal with them in a timely manner! It ain’t a cheap rental, just under $500pw in total (Ringwood) so I’d expect a fairly decent response time…

The flat is totally detached from the main house, with a side entrance, so no need for visitors to go via them. I won’t hear their doorbell ring anyway, so me answering for them (unless prearranged) ain’t gonna happen.

I hate mowing, but I’m a really efficient nagger. I can assure you the lawns will be mowed…even if we all chip in for a bloke to come do it. The rest of the gardening I’m happy to take on. Pip can kill a plant just by looking at it, and green stuff is my passion! So I doubt there’ll be any argument there. (By the looks of it, it’s just yer’ average suburban garden anyway with a couple of shabby camellias and a shitload of fishfern…nothing too exotic.) The ‘yard’ will be kidspace, and the plants and garden beds will be mine. I won’t plant anything that I will have a freakin’ nervous breakdown if it happens to get trampled or otherwise annihilated by kids.

Pip has priority over washing-line rights. I’ve become lazy in my old age, and mostly use a dryer and/or a clothes horse now (except for towels and sheets etc). It’s my electricity bill, I can use it how I like!

I haven’t had a fight with my daughter (or anybody for that matter) for 22yrs! As I mentioned above, I’m just too apathetic about shit to actually have a blue over anything nowadays. :smiley:

The kids are allowed to knock on my door anytime, and I’ll have it in ‘the contract’ that I can tell them to nicky-woop if it isn’t convenient to have them as my guests! Same for daughter and her partner. They can play outside my window anytime they like…might have to ban things like backyard cricket and golf but, just to keep windows intact.

Dunno about internet yet. I’ve got ADSL here and a landline (which I’ve needed for work purposes) but won’t need superfast (or a LL) at the new place. I’m not a big giga-user, geez, I live with 5gig a month now, and rarely have I exceeded 400mb! It will certainly be an issue though, but one we’ll have to work out when we’re all living in the one place. I’d be happy to have my own stuff connected if necessary.

Overnight visitors? Don’t have them, don’t want them…if that changes in the future (which I doubt), I’ll rejig the ‘contract’. :wink:

Smoking is ALWAYS outside, regardless.

But you are damned efficient with yer’ questions Thylacine! Good to see ya again btw…hope you’re well and all is good in your life. :slight_smile:

9

I just want to say thank you for teaching me a new expression. :slight_smile:

You sound like you have the right attitude to make your family situation work.

I’d recommend making “the contract” a semi-official event, almost a negotiation.
Sit down at the kitchen table, but with no coffee cups or cake, just 4 people looking at each other face to face. Talk about general responsibilities: who will do the cleaning and yard work,Will you have a key to each others apartments, etc. Then talk about specific schedules, so it will be clear who is expected to pick up the 5 yr old from kindergarten every day, and who will be available only on Wednesdays.
Then when everything is agreed, pour some tea and clink your cups together like a toast.
And promise each other that a year from now, when your nerves get frayed, all 4 of you will sit down together again amicably, and decide what needs changing.

10

This is excellent advice and based on what you’ve said so far, sounds like you’ve got the right sort of relationship with your daughter’s family that can make this work.

One observation - you’ve written a lot about what you want and don’t want, but haven’t written as much about how your sister and her husband might feel about this whole process.

You say the husband is fine about the whole situation, but it might be good to have a think about what his concerns *might *be, and make sure you give reassurance. For example, whilst you are focusing on ‘I hope I’m not constantly being asked to look after the kids’, maybe he’s thinking ‘I hope she isn’t always over here when I want to have time with my immediate family.’

11

I’ve been in the other side of this equation, and I have to say it worked out just fine. My wife, I and our two kids moved from another state back to the area we grew up in. My wife’s parents’ house was a duplex she owned. We moved into the other side. Thankfully - from my perspective - neither my MIL or FIL were meddlers, and didn’t intrude into our lives or get involved in arguments. But they were there to help out with babysitting when asked. We had a regular babysitter, and didn’t take advantage of the grandparents, but it did come in handy for the occasional emergency or unplanned event.

The positives for our children were significant, as they were able to spend a lot of time with their grandparents, but could be sent home (to the other side of the house) just as easily. We often took turns making dinner, either going to grandma’s or the grandparents coming over to our side of the house.

In the end, it comes down to personalities. I can see how there could be privacy and child-rearing issues if one or the other parties don’t respect the privacy and dynamics of the other. But it can also work out.