This has come up a couple of times in the last week, so I Must Share.
I’m a tour guide, and sometimes the visitors I’m escorting (some from other countries) will make small talk with me at a meal or during a pause. And frequently they’ll ask “Are you married? Have kids?”
Natural question, right? What’s the problem? Well, I don’t quite know what to answer. I’m a gay man in his 50s, apparently “straight-acting.” So on one hand I think I should do a little consciousness-raising, and say “no, don’t even have a boyfriend” or “no, folks like me can’t get married most places.”
But the gay thing is mostly theoretical; I’ve never actually had a boyfriend or a romantic relationship. So it seems like inventing drama where none is needed. If I just say “no,” that does nothing to raise consciousness and also seems unnecessarily curt, as if I’m discouraging that line of conversation. The best I’ve come up with after a few days of reflection is “No, how about you?” on the theory that they don’t really care about the details of my personal life and would just as soon tell me about where their kids go to college.
What’s the best way for me to respond—and Fight Ignorance?
And assuming you don’t rely on tips & have a bit of free ime, I say you take them, in long and boring details, through the vagaries of your dating life so far. Hey, ask a stupid question…
If you’re in your 50s and never had a romantic relationship you’ve got bigger problems than tourists and small talk. Anyway, the standard response would be something like: “No can’t stand the little buggers.”
I’m 42, straight, female, child free by choice, so my answer may or may not work for you.
I have found the answer, “Oh, god no,” is pretty much a conversation stopper. I thought the first time I said it, it was pretty innocuous and a little funny. Turns out it’s not, to people not like me, which seems to be a whole lot of 'em. YMMV. On the other side of that, the few people who did think it was funny, are now good and like-minded friends.
Possibly a good phrase to say would be “Oh, that’s a long story”. I have used that when people have asked me personal questions. I say it to them in kind of a way that indicates that I don’t really want to talk about the subject, and people get the message that I don’t want to talk about it. But, saying the above phrase does not really answer the question about whether a person has children, but you could just say, “Kids are great, but I don’t have any”.
^ Stick with this. They probably would rather talk about themselves and their kids. Otherwise, you are not obligated to make every moment a teaching moment. There is nothing dishonest about your answers and your private life isn’t really any of their business. Keep it short, sweet, and polite and move on to the next topic.
Nobody will think twice if you say “Nope, how about yourself?” They are just making small talk on a topic that’s an easy “hit” for a lot of people, not actually prying in to your life.
If you want to drop a hint, you can say something along the lines of “No, I’m very much a bachelor.” or “Oh no, not for me!” Most people can read between the lines and they’ll understand what you are saying.
I get asked these kinds of questions a lot, except even more loaded. I’ve had people say–after I told them I’m not married–“But you do have a boyfriend, right?” They think they are being complimentary, I think. Kind of like they are saying that someone like me couldn’t possibly be a lonely spinster. Sometimes I lie and say yes, just so that we can go on to another topic. I am not proud of this, but I have few qualms about lying to people who are being nosy.
I’m remembering my first session with my psychotherapist. I spent most of the session describing my work and then telling her about my depressive symptoms. She seemed confident that I had dysthymia and that she could cure me in no time. She was just about to get up and usher me out of the door when she asked rather perfunctorily, “And of course everything’s fine between you and your boyfriend, right?”
Um…
She practically fell out of her chair when I told her the truth (no boyfriend, not now or ever). Which just goes to show that psychologists have their own biases that must be confronted. (They really shouldn’t ask leading questions like that.)
This is why I choose to lie. It’s one thing to be told this through an anonymous message board. It’s another thing to have to listen to it in real life and be unable to truly speak your mind because you don’t want to lose your job.
As a Breeder, I’ve gotta say, we just love talking about our kids. Heck, we’d tip big if you listened to stories, and a Benjamin if you asked to see pics. So any response that ends with “You?” is brilliant. Even better would be saying “No kids, but I think they’re great-- but who’d want that much work?” Most of us would immediately respond with “Whew, you’re not kidding! We’ve got a kid who…”, and we’re off – and your status/orientation is left in the dust.
Though I’m married we have no kids by choice. That means I don’t really like to use the “how about you?” tactic, because I really don’t much care about other people’s kids.
My reply is usually something along the lines of 'oh yes, very married, but I have cats (or critters) not kids… ’ Given that I have very long hair generally worn in a braid and I’m not exactly a fashionplate, the questions usually stop there. I suspect people are wary of invoking the Crazy Cat Lady
You’re probably right, but I don’t see any need to get all personal. :dubious:
As for the OP, a not insignificant and steadily increasing number of gay people are indeed married. Even in places that haven’t passed marriage equality laws, it’s not exactly uncommon to find folks who have traveled to places that have and gotten married there. And plenty of gay folks, married or not, have kids. If you think it’s perfectly obvious that someone who is gay isn’t married or a parent, it’s probably not the people asking you bog-standard ice-breaker questions who need a bit of consciousness-raising.
Just say no, or not at the moment, or not that anyone has told you about, and move on.
I agree. I know of a gay man who at an early age, married a woman and had seven children. They divorced many years later, and the man then lived with another man for many years until his death of a heart attack.
Now that I’m preggo, I’m realizing having kids puts you in kind of a secret club, consisting of…well, a hell of a lot of people. There is a sort of solidarity among people with kids, and it provides this huge wealth of common ground between strangers. Two random people off the street may struggle to find a topic of mutual interest, but if you both have kids you’ve got all the conversation fodder you need.
This, same as people ask me if I am married. I just say no, I don’t tell them I am divorced.
it’s just polite conversation, people are looking for a connection,
I’m gay and have a partner, and I’m totally out to everyone who knows me. But when asked by a stranger, when it’s clearly none of their business, I’ll either tell the truth or just say “yes” or “no” or whatever I feel like saying at the time, because it really doesn’t matter. On occasion, I’ll just smile and say “not any more,” and let them draw their own conclusions.
I’ve never seen anyone visibly bothered after I’ve told them the truth. But sometimes I just want to have a little fun with them.
