OK, so I’ve finally been turned on to “The Onion.” I’ve been reading their website and browsed through “Our Dumb Century” at the bookstore yesterday. In an effort to be somewhat different from the other “Onion” threads, I’m starting one where the Teeming Millions can submit Onion headlines for their home states (or provinces, countries, etc.). Granted, only about three other posters will understand all of mine, but that never stopped me before.
Arizona Onion Headlines (10/2/00)
**Senator John McCain to Governor Jane Hull, “Thanks for the Endorsement, Bitch”
Residents within Ten Miles of Sky Harbor Airport Ordered to Evacuate Homes in Preparation for Patrick Swayze’s Arrival
East Valley Terrorized by Ostrich Riding on Top of Black Bear, Just Hurling Rattlesnakes and Scorpions at Everyone
Chandler Man’s Legs Nothing but “Charred, Black, Smelly Stumps” After Taking out Garbage with No Shoes On
Today’s Weather: Really Fucking Hot, Again**
Temperatures Expected to Reach 125 by Halloween
Two-Mile Stretch of Construction-Free Road Discovered
ADOT: “Just You Wait”
Woman Visiting from Missouri Garroted by Mesa Son-In-Law
Said, “Yeah, But It’s a Dry Heat,” One Too Many Times
“Who Can Blame Him?” --Authorities
New Tent City Undergarment: Lacy, Frilly Lavender Teddies
Citizens, Inmates, “Really Beginning to Wonder” about Sheriff Joe Arpaio
Gas Saving Ramp to be Constructed between Phoenix and Flagstaff
“Just Put It in Neutral, and Coast”
**Cardinals Plead for New Stadium, Resort Complex, Even Though They Suck
ASU Study Finds Water in Rivers Outside State**