Write your own Onion headline

Area Mom Does Not Know Secret To White Teeth
Mother of three unaccountably fails to get rich fast, lose thirty pounds

Malleus, Incus, Stapes! Does Not Know Which Forum This Should Go In
*Confused Doper invites mods to move it wherever *

Stoner Roommate Watching Teletubbies ‘thinks he’s seen this one’

Cops Got Nothing on Area Legitimate Businessman

Death Blossom Reclassified as “Weapon of First Resort”

Lasagna Not Funny, Says Everyone But Jim Davis

Bil Keane Killed, Police Searching for ‘Not Me’

Shoeless cop found stuck in airshaft.

Cable Show Effort Completes Redecoration Of Every House In America

Joint Paleontology Study Reports Dinosaurs Were “Just So Fucking Awesome”

Dad Starting To Get That Mediciney Old People Smell

Visibly Frustrated Obama Asks Americans To Vote For “Go Fuck Yourselves”

Rejected Bin Laden declares jihad on eharmony.com

Alien student gets 2nd place for “Earth” project

Fundamentalists reject law of gravity; plunges off cliff

Guidance counselor mistakenly suggests “prostitute” to local teenager

Three blind mice only nearsighted, doctor says

Malia Obama “One fine-lookin ho’” says new boyfriend

U.S. Losing War on Drugs - Kissinger Urges Bombing of Cambodia

Manfred Mann’s Chris Thompson admits he “misheard the lyrics”

Investing in Basic Research Today is the Key to Long-Term Economic Growth
Your Grant Request for ‘Sex Robot Research’ has Been Denied.

NBC Admits Mistakes Made in Late Night Programming
“Fallon isn’t funny,” says Zucker.


Dead Mouse In Basement Still There Despite Single Woman’s Wish It Would “Just Disappear”

Straight Female Phys Ed Teacher Charges ‘Discrimination’

NBC Execs Achieve Two Beans In A Row, Three "Definitely Achievable"

Obama Unveils 2012 Campaign Slogan: “Because We Thought We Could”

God Inks “Creation 2” Development Deal With James Cameron

Roland Emmerich Announces Copyright Suit Over Haiti News Footage

Dubai Digs World’s Deepest Hole, The "Burj Because We Can, That’s Why"

Holocaust denier now not so sure about Leno back at Tonight Show either

Muslims to eliminate pork ban from Quran. Says one, “It’s just so fucking delicious!”

Supreme Court rules 7-2 in favor of “Naked Fridays”; Ginsburg, Sotomayer dissents

38% of sitcom plots now irrelevant with invention of cell phones, study finds

Latest Winehouse Newsflash: Performs At Gig, Sings A Few Songs

McCain Latest: Still Thinks He Can Win

Obama Considers Remaking Healthcare Bill In 3D "So it looks more realistic"

China Toughens Stance On Internet Censorship, Bans ‘0’ And ‘1’

Iraqis Demand Greater Autonomy, More Resources And Answers To Key Plot Points on 'Lost’

Headless Bar In Topless Body

Third Grade Scientists Announce All Vegetables Cause Cancer

New “iCan” To Revolutionize Shitting

Where The Fuck Are My Fucking Keys, Says Area Man

Area Woman Regrets Buying Elderly Parents A Web Cam