Area Man Thinks Actual Onion Headlines Are Not This Funny
Several years ago, I submitted a few spec article to the Onion for real:
Online Parody Newspaper May Be Losing It’s Edge Thinks Readers
Area Hipster Learns All Knowledge of Current Events From Online Parody Newpaper.
I never got a response. Not even a “thanks for your interest” form letter.
Fraternity member who doesn’t think getting kicked in the nuts is very funny gets kicked in the nuts.
The Onion’s standing policy, for as long as I can remember, is that they will not accept, or even read, outside submissions. They’re deleted or destroyed immediately upon receipt.
The reason should be rather obvious; since they’re often making fun of current events and trends there’s a high likelihood an idea they use will be one many other people came up with. By blanket rejecting all submissions they’re protecting themselves as best they can from lawsuits.
(There’s also the fact that 99.999% of such submissions aren’t funny.)
‘Take Back the Night’ March Dispersed by Overwhelmingly Successful ‘We’re Keeping the Night’ Counter-March
Baby Uttered His First Lie
Dog’s Flatulence at Threat Level Orange
National anthem sung with eyes closed, soul
UPDATE: Generalissimo Francisco Franco not dead
Joe Biden shut out at Grammys again
Obama speaks out against suicide, Congressional Republicans respond by killing themselves
I actually came in here to post a few. Then I started reading the submissions.
My mind went: “Rank Amateur Puts His Stuff Up Against The Truly Gifted.”
I think I’ll just go play somewhere else; y’all just carry on…
Post them anyway! I’m sure they are good 
Tragedy strikes first annual arsonists picnic.
Hometown honors supervillain for indirect fame, horror
Mosquito who bit child euthanized
Coma patient admonishes doctors for waking him up during sex dream
Secretive Ninja clan admits Facebook page “a mistake”
Hot girl underestimates number of classmates masturbating to her
Korean 6th grader solves energy crisis with science project
Vampires take control of Pentagon, White House in bloodless coup
Don’t bet your retirement on that. 
But anyway, OK:
World To End at 6 pm; Details Tonight at 9
First Extraterrestrial Visitors Accidently Eaten By Scientists: “We thought they were chickens,” Researcher Says
President Revealed As Terrorist. US Nuclear Arsenal Missing
Research Study Proves Masturbation Causes Hair To Grow On Palms
Houston Rockets fan believes he’s the first to ask Yao Ming, “How’s the weather up there?”.
Bank CEO Plans Important Merger, Activates Turn Signal
If I had even gotten a form letter stating that, I would have been satisfied. Not responding at all is just plain rude!
Yes, Virginia, there IS a bogeyman!
Snickering NASA announces: “Moon landing? You’re all so gullible!”
Duke Boys Foil Orbison Kidnapping, Outrace Sherriff
“I’ll get them Dukes yet, coo coo,” vows Coaltrane.
While these are all very funny and clever, this one made me wipe coffee off the screen. Thank god it had cooled off by then.
First 2 are excellent! I don’t get the punchline of the last one though 
They had this, only better:
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory