Your Onion Headlines Feb 2011 edition

Area Man Not Gushing Over iPhone
Says man, “It’s better than my radio…I suppose.”

Wisconsin Almost Ready to Accept Brett Farve’s Replacement
Says Wisconsin: “If he can win 18 more Superbowls…we’ll see.”

Kobe Clings to Illusion of Self-Sufficiency
“I don’t need Shaq” insists Laker superstar as rumors of addition of another cheap superstar to add to Pau Gasol swirl.

iPhone 5 to Include Death Ray, New Stylus
“We’re really proud of that stylus,” says Steve Jobs.

Disney Ponders Supervillain Status
Will re-release Cinderella for “a meeeeellllioooon dollars”

IBM’s Watson Computer to Compete on Survivor
Watson to attempt ‘under the radar’ strategy, says IBM programmer.

Yemeni Protesters Take Notes from Egypt
In effort to capture world’s attention, enlist camels riders with bread helmets

Friendster still online!
Myspace, too

New Webcomic to Focus on College Friends and Elves
Desperate Local Man Watches Soccer**

Metaphorical Maxim About Horses Interpreted Literally for Comic Effect

Blues Singer Acknowledges Problems with his Woman

Egyptians Riot Over Lack of Facebook Access
farmville withdrawal blamed for early 2011 tragedies

Sasquatch family eats first Texan
“Wow! We’d never thought we’d ever get this far south but, you know, the weather’s great this year”

Fantasy Football League Meeting Erupts in Violence, 7 Dead
Shooter cites vetoed trades, late fees, and backroom deals as instigating factors.

God Wants Superbowl Winners to "Leave Him the Fuck Alone"
“Look, I only watch sumo, OK?” says God.

Area Wife Catches Spouse Washing Dishes
Doctors expect her to die overnight after a simultaneous heart attack and stroke.

Area Man Catches Wife Installing iPhone App By Herself
“She doesn’t need me anymore,” sobs man.

**Street Magician Knows “Damn Well” Your Card is 8 of Spades

Area Woman’s Texted Claim of “LOL” Questioned**

State Department Now Officially Concerned About Everything
“No Exceptions,” Admits Third Undersecretary for Administrative Admitting

Messageboard Lurker Hesitates to Contribute to Discussion
“These people are so clever, I’d probably just kill the thread.”

Facebook Launches Plantationville
Buy and sell virtual slaves and cotton to build nice cartoon houses… “Offensive” say real housebuilders

Muslim Brotherhood More Popular in Egypt than Mubarak
“Bros Before Hosni” more than just a phrase

Opinion Poll on Americans Attitude Toward Prince William’s Upcoming Marriage
14% Fascinated, 39% Whoop-de-Shit, 30% Who Gives a Fuck, and 17% Why Can’t He Marry a Nice Movie Star Like the guy who did Princess Grace?

MTV’s Skins and GLEE to have crossover Orgy
“I’m really excited about this” says actor who plays Mr. Figgins

79 Unseen Episodes of Three’s Company Found
“I swear to God we never made those… and we never had a landlord played by Peter Lorre, he was dead!” screams hysterical Joyce DeWitt

Glenn Beck Solves Graumann’s Equation Accidentally on his Whiteboard
Argument about how Democrats are responsible for 9/11 answers 300 year old riddle.

BJ’s a Cure for Acne and Causes Weight Loss
Paper by Dr. PhiBeta Kappa mysteriously stained with beer.

George W. Bush Somehow to Blame, Again
New CIA documents record how the former President’s screw-up in 2001 caused riots in Egypt

Area Man Decides New Web Comic will be "My Ticket Out of this Shithole"
Has no intention of learning how to draw but thinks it won’t matter

Area Man Opens Facebook Account for the First Time
“Welcome to the 20th century, jackass” reads first message.

Linden Labs to launch Third Life, the worlds first in-game game
Users complained that Second Life was getting too real

NASA announces plans to launch largest space shuttle ever by December 2012
Says spokesperson, “At the absolute latest”

Local man conquers France in family game of Risk with triple sixes
Sarkozy acquiesces; steps down

Glenn Beck Mystery Solved
The Writings on the Board that Made Sense and Were Factually Correct Left By Orphan Prodigy Working as Janitor in Studio
Obama’s Promise their First Born Daughter to Man Who Can Complete Various Labors (e.g. Fix the Economy, Pay Off the Deficit, Exorcise Ann Coulter and Slay Osama bin Laden)

Kardashians Run For their Lives From Mob of Russian Revolution Reenactors
“Slow Down Girls!” Screams Bruce Jenner

**Repressed Gay Man Really, Really into Scouting

Betty White All Up in Mubarak’s Grill

Ben Stein Quelled**

Remains of Jimmy Hoffa found in the last place we looked

Breat Riots Form Outside of Magnolia Bakery

Three former American Idol and four former Real World stars to appear in new gritty street reality show, "Who Wants a Handjob?"

Area Man Eats Snickers, Remains a Whiny-ass Diva
I’m still dying back here, man claims.

Exclusive Interview With German Zeitgeist
Excerpt: “We haven’t invaded France in 70 years and we’re proud, but it’s really really hard… even after all this time sometimes the urge is almost overwhelming, but we take it day by day”.

Log Cabin Republican Leader Caught in Straight Sex Scandal
“On my oath I thought she was a drag queen!”

History Channel Unveils New Fall Lineup
When Fish Kill, Canadian Garbage Men, Junkie Nuns Behind Bars, and ***Untitled John Edward Nostradamus Project ***expected to be biggest ratings getters

MPAA, RIAA Announce Bounty on CDs, DVDs, Tapes
“Sell Now or We Sue Later,” Consumers Warned

Grill Justice Kagan Over Discovery of Secret Boyfriend
Gay Supporters “Disillusioned”; Straights “Glad She’s Out”

Area Man Holds Principal Hostage in Bullying Dispute
Son Just Wanted Classmate to “Man Up”; Claims School “Coddling”