Richard Heene to Host New Reality Show: How Should I Exploit My Kids Next? Desperate cry for attention picked up by AMC, then immediately canceled.
New Internet Meme Kills 16 “Genitalia Gargoyle Breading Maru-Style” results in 4 victims torn completely in half.
Golden Raspberry Foundation Unable to Name Razzie Award for "Looper" “If anybody can figure out what the hell is going on, please give us a call,” says spokesman.
NRA Manages to Kill 6 Year Old School Shooter Before Rampage “Thank God we got that psycho before he hurt any kids,” says Heston.
George W. Bush Critical of Obama’s “Overstanding” Vacation Time
*Obama 2.5% of the way to breaking GWB’s single term record for most vacation days by a US president. *
Area Man Masturbates with Vaseline for the First Time In related news, perpetrators of massive sock bonfire still unidentified.
US Falls Off Fiscal Cliff US released from hospital after being treated for minor injuries.
Kim Kardashian to “Accidentally” Release Another Totally Private Sex Video Film tentatively titled “Raiders of the Lost Kim” to be directed by Mel Brooks.
Area Dog Finds Master’s Leg No Longer Attractive Enough to Hump “I can’t get my paws around her thigh anymore, and her cankle is rubbing me raw,” says Sparky through a translator.
After 64 Years, Lucy Van Pelt Finally Arrested for Aggravated Stalking “I’m totally sick of her shit,” says victim, aged 9, “Look how many dings her elbows put into my piano.”
Pixar Studios Seen with Black Eye, Missing Tooth, while Working Corner of 5th and Broadway “No comment, just leave me alone, I gotta bring in more money for Daddy,” says Pixar.
"That Dickhead" Spiderman Reported to Rub his Non-Virgin Status into the Face of Every Hero He Meets “Look, my girlfriend died 70 years ago, OK?” says Captain America.
David Caruso Forgets to Pause in the Middle of a Sentence during Taping of CSI: Miami Several people playing the “Horatio Caine: The Drinking Game” rushed to hospital as penalty for a missed pause is downing an entire bottle of Jack Daniels.
Hot, Up and Coming Actress Somehow Still Doing Voice on Lame Ass Cartoon Mila Kunis’ contract with The Family Guy rumored to be linked to a set of photographs in a vault at Seth MacFarlane’s house.
Happy 40th Birthday, Cameron Diaz! Career immediately terminated by Hollywood exec’s and blacklisted.
Ask A Guy Who Thinks His Penis is Actually Longer Thanks to Internet-Purchased Pills
Statshot: What the Crap on American Pickers Actually Sells For
Hogwarts Enjoys Day Not Centered Around, Involving, or Affected by Harry Potter “Everybody was just kinda milling around, it’s like nobody knew what to do,” says student.
Hercules Attempts to Cash in with “Great Story Bro” Merchandise “Somebody is making a lot of money off me, and I’m still living in the projects…that’s not right” says god.
Sneezy Wins the 4th Annual Dwarf Fantasy Football League for First Time “Winner gets to bang Cindy, but I heard she caught crabs from Doc last year,” said the happy dwarf.
Buddha Injured by Blast after Drawing Picture of Mohammad “It was a friggen birthday gift for him man, A BIRTHDAY GIFT!” said the shaken diety.
Joe Biden to buy Hooters Franchise “With the amount of time I spend there, they should be paying ME!”
Next Scary Movie film to tackle depression, schizophrenia, and religious fundamentalism “Marlon and I both felt that as filmmakers, we needed to grow”, says Wayans brother in interview in Variety magazine
Jesus filibustered as Obama nominee for Secretary of State Top GOP lawmaker says unconfirmed reports of prostitute friends “troubling”
