NHL launches “Thank you, suckers” ad campaign to heal rift with fans
Superbowl Ad Rates Cause Network Execs to Spontaneously Jizz
“We’re getting Ferrari’s!” says happy executive.
Yo Yo Ma’s US Tour to be Sponsored by Duncan Toys
Famed cellist can’t understand what’s so damn funny.
Mysterious Deaths of Pro Wrestlers Finally Found to be Caused by Dumb Storylines
Discovery comes just in time to save the lives of CM Punk, Samoa Joe, and everybody who would have feuded with Hulk Hogan.
JC Penny’s Joins the March of Dimes and the Steven R. Nichols Foundation in Fundraiser
“A night with Penny’s, Nichols and Dimes” expected to draw decent crowd and groans.
Thundercats Reunion Special Marred by Protesters
Lionel doused with ketchup by person holding “REAL FUR IS MURDER” sign.
Samurai Jack Commits Hara Kiri
Loss of dear off-camera friend, Aku, sent him into depression, autopsy reveals traces of alcohol and crystal meth in system.
Wolverine Reveals Biggest Drawback of Admantium Skeleton: Fart PSI of 250 or higher
“I can’t sleep on my back,” says famed X-Man.
Sue Richards Voted “Luckiest Woman Alive” by Peers
“Man, I’d give my left arm to get what she’s getting…er, have what she has,” says She-Hulk.
Autographed Penis of Bob Marley on New Pawn Stars Episode
“It’s old, it’s rare, it’s historic, and I want it,” says Rick Harrison.
Tonight on Bamazon: The Bama Boys Find Handful of Old Coins and an Old Radio
“Seriously, we’ve been in this fricken jungle for 4 weeks now and this is all we got?” says crewmember.
Euthanasia Scandal Hits Animal Planet’s "Too Cute!"
Litter of beagles featured on November show immediately shoved into microwave after show wraps.
Darryl Sheets Shivs Dave Hester Jr. During Storage Auction
“That’s what I call 'The OW Factor,” says Sheets during arrest.
Obama tricks GOP with proposed tax reduction for billionaires
“We instinctively voted against it without thinking”
Bill Belichek’s Son’s Little League Team Destroys Opponent in Championship Game, 47-3
Belicheck proud of son’s decision to join the Dark Side of the Force.
Reason for Adrian Peterson’s Motivation: Dissed in Fantasy Draft
“Can you believe it? Some sites had me ranked in the 4th round. The fourth, fucking, round,” says Peterson angrily.
Roshambo to Replace Coin Toss in Superbowl
*“The International Roshambo league came and asked us to help promote the sport,” says commissioner. *
Michael Jordan Decides No Challenges Left on Earth, Joins NASA
“We are happy that MJ is going to our ambassador to space, since like he’s done it before,” says NASA spokesman, referring to documentary “Space Jams.”
Obama signs law creating new, all african american military branch accountable only to him
We have the coast guard on border safety, the air force in the skies, the navy in the seas with the marines and army focused on foreign interventions, we need a heavily armed sixty military branch focused on domestic stability and crowd control, Obama says. Full of photos of armed, uniformed black men with machine guns beating running tea partiers.
War on christmas put on back burner until Nov 2013, or until new diversion needed
US to send 10 million americans to Chinese restaurants to wash dishes
Paying off the national debt is everyone’s responsibility
Movies about Gay Coal Miners, Gay Firemen, and Gay Ninjas to go Head-to-Head for Palme D’or
Expendables 3 to get New Asian Replacement for Jet Li: Voltron
Turf War Between Star Wars, Star Trek, and Firefly Geeks Leaves 6 dead, Destroys ComiCon
Former '80’s Icon, Elizabeth Shue, One Mortgage Payment Away from Hardcore Porn
Area Man First in History to Not Laugh at Fart/Toilet Jokes
Has been in vegetative state since the '70’s.
Serial Record Breaker, Charles “Jimmy” Jones, to Attempt to Set 400th Guinness Book of World Records Record
“He’s a sad, lonely man,” says Guinness official who will witness how many boiled eggs he can shove up his butt left-handed, if achieved, will be his 223rd record involving butt-shovage.
Electronic Cigarettes Give Woman Virtual Lung Cancer
Scope to Remove Alcohol-Free Mouthwash from Shelves after Protest by Nation’s Alcoholics.
“You bastards better not make us drink Aqua Net again!” shout protesters
Newly Discovered Distant Cousin’s Lost Son’s Clone Now Brings Number of Scott Summer’s Extended Family Tree to 3,422
Every Man in the Galaxy to Ask Duo Damsel for Date Friday Night
Hawkman Demands Cool Nuclear Mace Like Hawkgirl, but Bigger, Thicker, and Longer
Green Lantern’s New Girlfriend, Ayaka Satoyama, Unaffected by Ring’s Power for Unknown Reason
NeoNazis Hold Renaissance Fair to Educate about Hate
Displays include the torture rack, public stoning, and burning at the stake.
Holocaust Museum Holds Bake Sale to Raise Funds for New Expansion
“We hope there’s a good turnout, the oven we’re using is massive!” says spokesperson.
Happy Cattle Co. Ironically Struck by Mad Cow Disease
Company mascot, Smiling Sammy, put down with air rod gun.
North Korea Demands Somebody to Pay Attention to Them
*“We’re gonna burn styrofoam, club baby seals, and shit in the water at the beach,” threatens Kim Il Dong. *
Beast Boy Ridiculed by Other Teen Titans for Only Being Accepted at CalTech
Aqualad Spending More and More Time at Russian Steam Baths
**In Candid Interview with Larry King, Ms. Marvel Reveals Hobby of Popping Male Virgins, Secret Attraction to Kree Males, Teen Abortion **
Team Speed Racer Accused of Doping, Stripped of Titles Won Since 1960
Wham-O Refuses to Rename New Slip N’ Slide Accessory, Golden Shower
“Look, our company name is Wham. O. It’s for the Slip. N. Slide.” says spokesperson.
Hasbro Refuses to Put Choking Warning on Nerf Football, Instead Saying "Not for Stupid Kids"
New Version of Monopoly Comes with 50% Less Play Money Because of Recession
Tragic Death After Beatdown During Game of Sorry! Prompts Recall
Says toy company spokesperson, “Sorry!”
Dazzler Pranks Tony Stark with “Welcome to the World of AIDS!” Written on Bathroom Mirror
After Brainwashing, Squirrel Girl Destroys Half of Galaxy
New Film about Wonder Twins Greenlit by Imbeciles
Batplane, Batmobile, Batboat, and Bat Cave Inoperable Because of 2 Hour Windows 8 Update
Carrot Top to Try Out for UFC
Dana White warns comedian about foreign objects, piss tests.
Hulk Hogan Finally Reveals What’s in His "Vitamins"
Ric Flair Attempts 45th Career Comeback in Japan
During Interview, Barbara Walters Demands to be Chokeslammed by The Giant
In incredible reversal, Walters manages to get the Giant to tap out to modified cross-face chicken wing.
Godzilla, Mothra, Ghidra, Mecha Godzilla to Attend High School Reunion at Monster Island High
14th Annual Air Guitar Championship Draws Invisible Crowd
**“Rude Obnoxious Stink American” Becomes Surprise Manga Best-Seller **
The Tokyo Tsunami Bar and Grill: Too Soon?
Are you aware Shue is a current regular on a top-rated TV series?
Newly Re-Formed Nirvana Hires Random Filipino to Replace Curt Cobain
Area Man Sad to Realize Fake Band Spinal Tap Actually More Talented than His Band
**Snoop Lion adopts puppy for son, Snoop Dogg Jr. **
Puppy to be named Alexander.
After Car Accident, Sir MixALot No Longer Likes Big Butts
Former '80’s Icon, Elizabeth Shue, One Mortgage Payment Away from Hardcore Porn
Massive debt caused by poor business decisions, wild parties, and Internet gambling.
Mary Marvel Reveals Stepfather Marvel’s Abuse
Krypto Neutered, Thought Balloon Reveals Plans for Revenge
Bottle City of Kandor’s City Council Votes to Approve First Step in Becoming Mayonnaise Jar City of Kandor
Kryptonite Reaches 15 Year High on the Luthor Stock Exchange, Closing at $2000 per Troy Ounce