Here’s mine:
Spammer Assassin Strikes Again: Victim #38 and Killer Still at Large
World Ignorance Eradicated: Cecil Adams Out Of Work, SDMB Is Now Mostly Pointless
Something bad happens to someone, they don’t sue!
Fred Phelps Gives Up: “Oh Fuck Picketing, I’m Going To Retire To Hawaii” Says Infamous Pastor
New Law Bans Reality TV
Al-Queda Admits Defeat And Surrenders, bin Laden Commits Hari Kiri
Oh, and:
Calvin And Hobbes To Return To The Comics, Penned by Watterson
misstee wins the lottery, biggest payout in Powerball history
** Bush admits mistakes in Mideast, turns control over to the UN, focuses on domestic matters. **
World Religions Finally Admit: There Is No God - We Were Wasting Your Time And Money. Go Out And Have Fun.
Cubs Win World Series: Defeat Yankees in 4!
HEY! IT COULD HAPPEN!
Elvis Is Dead. Really.
God says "Hey, good point! I think I will end world suffering."
Douglas Adams Vindicated - Purpose of Life Discovered
"This is ridiculous! We’re having a world class public transport and high-speed internet networks, and I don’t care if we have to slash public spending." says British PM
“Rush Limbaugh elected as new Pope.”
New Pill Delivers: Eat all You Want. Never Gain Weight!
And for newspapers that have good typesetters who can bold:
**“New Pill Delivers: Eat all You Want. Never Gain Weight!”/b]
:smack:
I’m just gonna stop now (how embarrassing…)
:smack:
:smack:
:smack:
:smack:
Philster Muffs Tags – Sorry, I couldn’t resist! 
Waterson, Larson, and Breathed Team Up For New Comic Strip
NASA Announces Ponder Stibbons to Captain First Expedition to Mars
Futurama Picked Up By Cartoon Network Subtitle: “New Episodes in January”
Rush Limbaugh, Fred Phelps, John Ashcroft and Carrotop discovered in Gay Sex Orgy
“SDMB’er called “cite” on another SDMB’er - Thread moved to pit.”
"Fred Phelps Joins Cast of ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’"
No News Today. Sorry.