Flinty Flatfoot Flaps Flophouse Floozy
Dumb Cluck Sings Like Canary
Entitled Area Teen Thinks He’s Nihilist
Study Links Paper Clips, Papers
On my honor, I did not read Sam’s Log Cabin item before submitting the above.
Standoff with ADD Gunman Ends Peacefully
Police Send in ‘Diversionary’ Cat, Tackle Suspect
DOD Revises Military Recruitment Goals
Study: Ex-Cons Fight Harder, Happier Taking Orders
Last Known Tap-Water Drinker, 92, Dies
"What the hell, are the editors drunk?"
Area Man Complains about Paper’s New Headline Format
Area Couple Unwittingly Reenact Off-Color Joke
Unable to Smell Woman’s Pussy, Man Traces Odor to Feet
Antisocial Tendencies, Bow Ties Linked
Worn by Embezzlers, Sex Offenders, “Just Plain Twits”: Study
Cecil B. Adams’ True Identity Finally Revealed
Reanimated head of Walt Disney forced to research questions written in crayon
Speedy Gonzalez Cartoons to be Outsourced to Korean Animators
Mexicans protest nationwide because “those dirty racist dogeaters are going to give us a bad name.”
New Episode of Law and Order: SVU Involves Only Heterosexual Sex Between Consenting Adults
Lowest rated show in its history.
Muslim Terrorists Bomb Themselves in Protest of Being Labeled "Terrorists"
“Don’t make us do this again,” says their leader in a posthumous statement.
Sinn Fein, Al Qaeda and AARP all claim credit for Spiderman Accidents
"And don’t even think about reviving ANNIE or heads will roll… literally!
Senior Citizen Found in Lansing, Michigan Who Believes "People are Nicer Today Than When I Was Young"
Study Finds that 32% of People Who Entered Into Legalized Gay Marriages Divorced Gay Spouse and Went On to Marry a Goat
Marvel Comics Celebrates 50th Consecutive Day a Major Character Wasn’t Killed
“We held over Spiderman’s coma and Xavier’s X-Infection until next month just to achieve this milestone,” says Joe Quesada. “We’ll probably mark this day with Jean Grey’s 37th death.”
Criss Angel and David Blaine to Stay in Thunderdome for 30 Consecutive Days Together for Charity
“We have to help the kids,” says Angel. “I hate his fucking guts,” says Blaine as he sharpened his razor-edged cards and oiled his Glock.
Dick Clark Signed to Host New Year’s Show Until Year 3000
“We’ll just glue his skin to a marionette…if, that is, he ever dies,” says NBC executive.
Pope Benedict XVI Proclaims Everything He Says to be Infallible Unless He Follows It With "Bazinga!"
New Autism Vaccine Makes Jenny McCarthy Burst Into Flames
Toy Story 3 Wins Best Picture Oscar Due to Being Everybody’s 8th Choice
“Starting next year every picture made and distributed during the year gets a Best Picture Oscar!” says new Academy Chairman
Alaska Now the Last State Smoking is Legal
Smokers asked to wear orange jumpsuits while in special temporary, camp-like housing.
Republicans Pay Aryan Party and KKK to Openly Support Democrats
“And for God’s sake hide your GOP membership cards until after 2014,” says Dick Cheney.
British Petroleum Vows to Keep Changing Name Until Everybody Forgets What They Did
“We will pay any amount,” promises BP CEO.
New Unemployment Claims Growing Astronomically
Unemployment now claims to have invented Facebook, to have been an Air Force test pilot at 14, to be able to bench press 480, and to have an 11 inch penis
"This is far, far from over" says Mubarak as he leaves Egypt in his Sphinx Spacecraft
Michael Reagan Claims His Father Never Had Alzheimers
“Symptoms were from a combination of old age, caring too much, and shame over having Ballerina Barbie for a son”
In a related story-
Ron Reagan Vows to Make Nancy a Goddess When She Dies
But first wants her to answer truthfully some questions about the '80s
History Channel Executives Now Going Door-to-Door for Show Ideas
No cable TV shows left to plagiarize leads to desperate move.
Simon Cowell Writes, and then Criticizes, New Book
“That fat British idiot should stick to his day job, whatever he does,” says Cowell of himself.
This Week’s South Park Episode to Parody Yet Another Obscure 80’s Film or Cable TV Show Nobody Ever Watched
“We hate our contract,” says show creators, which has them locked in until 2050.
Detroit Official Slogan Changed to "America’s Anus"
Last 100 residents of once-thriving city try to use humor to lessen thoughts of suicide.
Study: 99% of Online Universes Better than Real Universe
“At least my online character, Megalorr72 the Dark Dwarf Barbarian, has a paying job, a girlfriend, and a pegasus for transportation,” says 46 year old who still lives with parents.
"Gamer’s Thumb," “Guitar Hero Elbow,” and “Porn Wrist” to be Added to Next DSM
“Nintendo Seizure” doesn’t make 2011 cut.
Study: Really Stupid Children Becoming Really Stupid Adults
New study by the Christian Coalition solves mystery of why 87% of Christians believe “Passion of the Christ” was a documentary, and Moses “probably looked a lot like” Charlton Heston.
Mubarak Says He Will Relinquish Power In Egypt Soon
In related news, Generalissimo Francesco Franco Still Alive
New “IKE TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES” Channel launched
Original movies will include ‘She Had It Comin’’, the musical Look Out Bitch! and the romantic comedy ‘Don’t Make Me Gotta Tell You Again’ as well as the cooking show ‘Oh You Gonna Help Ike?’
Company named for gas station chain owner and cable entrepreneur Isaac Eisenhower “Ike” Turner of Burbank
After 122 Years the Eiffel Tower Finally Strikes Oil
For more than a century French have been embarrassed to admit it was a derrick
Sean Hannity’s On Air Breakdown Deemed the Product of Obamacare
Claims his screams of “I killed Timmy Ledbetter with a brick in Third Grade for his Scooby Doo lunchbox!”, insistence that his left nipple was playing jazz standards, and proclamations that he wants to “touch Justin Bieber in places he doesn’t know he has yet” caused by pharmaceutical mix-up in turn caused by government healthcare meddling
Gotta say that several of these are making me wish we had a LIKE button.
Poll: 50% of American Assholes Haven’t Heard of Egypt Unrest
87% can’t find Egypt on a map, 37% mugged pollster, 27% took phone videos of the assault and laughed hysterically, 100% of you can kiss my ass.
Hello Kitty Molested
“Subway Gropefest Otaku” is now the best-selling playset in Japan.
Cache of Over a Million Bad Puns Linked to SDMB Moderator
“I have 4 PhD’s, but God help me, I just can’t get enough puns,” sobbed the anonymous moderator.
Tom Brady Weakly Denies “Pussy Whipped” Status
“Yes, it was, more or less, my decision to cut my hair,” sighed Tom.
NFL Executives Can’t Keep Faces Straight During Meeting
Commented one executive, “I struggled a bit when Herb said, ‘We’re doing it for the fans,’ but when I heard ‘It’s not about the money’ I just completely lost it.”
NBC Offers $100 Billion, Organ Donations, and “Dopest Ganga Ever” for NFL Contract
Roger Goodell not interested but may need a liver in about 20 years.
New Advertising Campaign Uses Re-Animated Corpses of Dead Celebrities
Voodoo apparently cheaper than CG, says animator.
Apple Introduces iPick
Apple’s new toothpick offers sleek design, state of the art technology, and mediocre performance for only $200.
Garfield Creator Admits to Not Giving a Shit Since 1989
Hasn’t read a strip since 1992.