Oprah Discovers She Has a Husband and Four Kids She Didn’t Know About Completely forgot her marriage and motherhood after a 1982 head injury; husband knew her as Renata Jenkins, a cashier in Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Facebook Frontierville wiped out by Cholera Tens of Millions Cheer
BP Unplugs Gate to Hell’s Pit in Drill Off Galveston “Our CEO is being replaced by a new one to whom not just ours but all heads will bow…”
"Oscar nominated film THE KING’S SPEECH is offensive, patronizing and inaccurate to those with the condition" This was according to Stammerers Organization President Peter Paul Parkhurst who said so, finally, after a 5 Hour Press Conference on Thursday
Dashingly Handsome SDMB Charter Member Had Awesome Onion Headline Idea I woke up in the middle of the night with this great idea, but I had forgotten it by morning. It would have been hilarious, the poster insisted.
Cairo Protesters Break into 100,000 Strong Flash Mob to Ludacris’s Get Back** “There’s no way they haven’t had professional choreographers” says Mubarak, who plans a Rollout My Business retaliatory mob with elephants and fireworks.
USPS to introduce revolutionary new “electronic” method to send mail Says the Postmaster General, “No more having to live up to that obnoxious creed about delivering in the sleet and snow!”
Catherine Wolmsley, 27, did, in fact, go there What’s up?!
Six year, $174m study conclusively proves mother’s milk is best for baby Head Researcher: “We had to use the grant money, and we like boobs.”
Mythbusters team dead following attempted mythbusting “Don’t try this at home kids” said Zeus, Father of all Gods, as he smote Greg with lightning bolt
Muslims admit sacred Kaaba just a drunken prank that got out of hand “Sorry for all the deaths”, Muslims confess sheepishly
Burger King and entire royal Burger family publicly beheaded in coup “Hold elections/hold the lettuce/your special orders quite upset us!” chant revolutionaries
*Betty White Vows to "Live long enough to kill everybody who puts me on their &@#$ing 2011 Celebrity Death List… and their kids" Writes of stormy relationships with Bea Arthur and former lovers Rick James and Nikita Kruschev in new book, I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE COITUS
Beatles WHITE ALBUM Code Finally Deciphered Predicts 1980 Mt. St. Helen’s eruption and Ebola Outbreak, “though fat lot of good it does now” says Ringo
2010 Republican Congressmen Deny They Are Gay And/Or Cheating On Their Wives
Eyes roll across the world.
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Evil Captor Shoots Soulmurk**
“It had to be done,” he said, pointing silently to the horrible play on words above him.
Local Man Passes Up Chance To Have Brick in Downtown Sidewalk Named After Him
“I thought long and hard about it,” said resident J. Trunkwell Birdsong, “but it would have cost $20, and I thought I got a much better return on my investment by converting the twenty into one dollar bills and spending a nice afternoon in a bar, slipping them into the garters of naked women.”
Lonely Island Now Top Music Download Among Teens, Immature “Here it comes, here it comes…I JUST HAD SEX!” says 39 year old.
J-Lo Still Looking for Love to Discard Says J-Lo, “Someday, I hope to find the perfect man to divorce.”
New Game Show Promises Big Money, Low Intelligence Says network executive, “Binary choices proved to be too hard for our audience. This game show gives you money for breathing, blinking, or drooling.”
Scientist Names New Flower Species after Wife’s Vagina “Stinkus Fishycus is easily distinguishable by the mucus it uses to catch flies and the overwhelming smell of a dead whale on the beach after 3 months,” says scientist.
**Albert Puljols Demands one of the Kardashian Sisters in Contract Talks **
*Parties can’t agree if any Kardashian is worth more than $6/hour, Kourtney offers to take $3.50. *
Batman, Superman, Spiderman, X-Men, and Aquaman Discuss Sexual Equality Batgirl, Supergirl, Spider-girl, Aquagirl not invited.
Jay Leno Caught Staring at Guests’ Breasts, Again “Jay Busted” DVD set contains 18 discs and 500 hours of footage.
**Masturbation Anonymous Celebrates 1 Year Anniversary ** Now close to 1 billion members in over 200 countries.
Cecil B. Adams Surrenders to Ignorance 39 year battle ended after 300th assistant casualty.
Fannie Mae, Apple, and University of Miami Unveil New Online School With accreditation by the Association of Southern Schools, “iFannie U.-ASS” will open virtual doors in March.
Incredibly Bad Pun in Board Post Results in Shameful Laughter “Anyone who laughs at a pun this bad deserves to be gelded,” says user “Sofa King.”