X-Men Writer Oblivious to Accusations of Racism in Asian Mutant
“Yes, Jubliee is a Chinese mutant with the ability to throw super firecrackers…and this is racist because…?” says writer.
Obama Admits to Being Born Outside of US
April Fool’s Onion headline immediately quoted as a “source” by Fox News.
Creators of “Animatronic Rooster” Accused of Plagiarism
“If Groening’s lawsuit didn’t stick, this won’t either,” says show creator Seth MacFarlane.
Valentine’s Gift of Diamonds Results in BJ
Says woman, “I did it for love.”
New Version of OLIVER TWIST to Replace the Word ‘Jew’ With Canadian
Producers hope this will make the character of Gayin less offensive
Watson Program Loses on Final Jeopardy and Terminates Contestants Life Functions
Spiderman the Musical Producers Change the Play to a Revival of CARRIE Instead
GOP Opposes Sunshine Laws
Garlic, Silver Bullets Next On Agenda
Evans Family of Chicago Spends 1500th Week Unemployed
“Well, you know, what can I say?” says James Evans, Jr.
Prototype iPhone 5 Rampages Through Tokyo
Youtube videos of attacks taken down under threat of legal action by Apple.
Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, Bush Attend 40th Reunion of Legion of Doom
Bush asks Gorilla Grodd, “Do you have many black people where you come from?”
Tragic Valentine’s Day Accident Costs Lance Armstrong His Last Testicle
*“Hiding a diamond necklace in my pants seemed like such a good idea at the time,” says Armstrong of the “Valentine’s Day Sack-accre.” *
Unemployed Area Man Gives DC Online “Thumbs WAAY Down” Rating on Blog
“By the time the demo downloads, the librarians kick me off,” blogs man.
Zombies Attack Taping of Rush Limbaugh Show, Die of Starvation
Rush believes zombies sent by John Stewart.
Point Counterpoint: “Your Liberal Beliefs Disgust Me” vs "Your Trust Fund Makes Me Horny"
Commercialization of President’s Day Disgusts DeBeers
“We can’t believe any company would be so crass as to invent customs to pressure people to buy their product,” says spokesman.
Having Conquered All Challengers, Watson Turns to Knock Knock Jokes
By calculating 1 million jokes per second, Watson will calculate all possible Knock Knock Jokes by Thanksgiving.
Football Offseason Depression Deepens
Rugby, soccer only marginally worse than lockout, draft “news.”
Autopsy reveals cause of death to be large Y-shaped incision on chest and abdomen
Bill Clinton’s Penis to be Enshrined in Smithsonian
Betty Smithsonian can’t wait until Saturday.
Amazingly Intelligent and Sexy Parents Produce Horse-Faced, Potato-Bodied Offspring
Bill Clinton apparently out of town 9 months before Chelsea was born.
Hillary Clinton Hires Hillary Duff, Wrestler Triple H, and the 4H Club to Form Committee on Youth Activities
H.H.HHH.HHHH to consider proposals on how to reduce gang participation, bullying and increase physical fitness among children, teens.
New Video Shows Albert Haynesworth on Grassy Knoll, Kidnapping Lindbergh Baby, and Advising Hitler
Teammates losing faith in former star after latest allegations, yet not particularly surprised either way.
Mel Gibson Arrested after Racist Diatribe During Aromatherapy Session
*Calming New Age treatment apparently “another way the Jew conspiracy is trying to make us eat our own poop,” according to former star. *
Sly Stallone Reveals Jackie Chan was Original Choice for Expendables
Age minimum of 65 prevented Asian star’s participation.
1911 Time Capsule Opened on 100th Anniversary
Bystanders shriek in horror at contents, which include Obama’s birth certificate
Man returned from near death experience says Heaven "Just okay"
DNA Testing shows Sally Hemings descendant fathered by Match Game Host Gene Rayburn
Jonestown Survivors Gather and Relive Ordeal in Jungle
“You know really it wasn’t so bad”, most agree; “I wish I’d thought to ask Mama Jones for her mango-squash-spam casserole recipe before she died” says another
Popeye’s “Buy One Get One Free at Last!” Black History Month Special Deemed Offensive
EXODUS members meet for annual conference and lots of anonymous gay sex in Baltimore
National Enquirer Celebrates 50th Anniversary of First Liz Taylor’s Death Bed Cover
“I think our upcoming “Liz Cries Out for Dick in Sad Last Days” cover is finally gonna be the one!” says managing editor
Queen Freaked Out by Finding Colin Firth Hot in THE KING’S SPEECH
Chicago Politicians Wait Anxiously for February 28th Announcement of the Annual Chicago Political Indictments (or, “The Diteys”)
Daley declines Lifetime Achievement Indictment saying “I haven’t given up hope of winning one fair and square!”
Apocryphal Gospel of Christ’s Brother ‘The Virgin Irving’ Declared Canonical
St. Irving claimed it was 'easy to be Messiah for one who had not to take care of mom"
Ground Zero Mosque’s Builders Claim “World’s Tallest Double Jenga Game” In Lobby Not Intended As Offensive or as a 9-11 Reference
Sean Penn Records Heartfelt Appeal to Haitians
Please Know that I am not a Great White God but Mortal, not completely unlike yourself…
Dalai Lama Converts to Mormonism; Wants a Go at Picking One of Joseph Smith’s Possessions from a Potluck Assortment
Agreed.
Pulykamell and RickJay’s Onion Feb 2011 Headlines Not Found
Lazarus Long and Oscar Wilde’s epigrams on critics vindicated
/agreed
FWIW, the only Onion headline I ever thought was better with the subline:
Area Man Suing Porn Mogols To Force Disclosure of Whether or Not Female Porn Stars Fake Orgasms
"Final Fantasy 72: Schlong of Pain" to be released Monday
Will sales measure up to “Final Fantasy 71: You fuckwits will buy anything that says “Final Fantasy” on it”?
Tennessee BOE Member Brings Tentacle Porn, iFart, and The South Park Movie to Board Meeting
“Seriously, why is “The Diary of Anne Frank” on the banned book list?” says member.
SDMB Poster Manages to use “Schlong,” “Fuckwit,” “Tentacle Porn,” and “Anne Frank” in a Single Post
Triumph may be short lived when party poopers criticize the sub heading chosen to accompany the historic post.