I’ve got one of those Onion headline-a-day calendars on my desk at work. Most are humorous in a dry humor sorta way. Recently this one came up and I laughed most of my ass off:
“HOLY SHIT - MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON”
“Neil Armstrong’s historic first words on the moon:
‘HOLY LIVING FUCK’”
This struck me as funny because it would what you’d expect an average person to say if they went instead of a highly trained astronaut.
I agree - that’s their all time best. FTR, it’s from their book “Our Dumb Century” and the whole article goes along the same lines. I showed that page to my brother-in-law. I’ve never seen anyone laugh so hard. I don’t think he stopped for at least five minutes.
I always liked, “City Plans to Build a Train…RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!!!”
It may be new, but I thought it was an instant classic.
“Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit,” Says Humanity."
Also, I could swear that I’m the only one to recall this:
“Grisly, Undead Spectre Of Death Proclaims Breakfast Cereal ‘Nutricious, Delicious’!”
It was about Count Chocula. I can’t find a link :o(
So far, one of my all-time favorites was one of the headlines-sans-articles they put on the left side of the home page:
Cast of 60 Minutes Suffers Collective Stroke.
“CHRIST CONVERTS TO ISLAM”
…this isn’t an exact quote but my favorite went something like this:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: “I had a really weird dream last night”.
I’m sorry for sounding dumb, but what is the Onion? I’ve heard the name, but was never sure what it was.
This one cracks me up:
Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy
Free up a few hours of spare time, and go here. Enjoy. Thank me later.
“Georgia adds Schwastika, Middle Finger to State Flag”
“Frank Sinatra Warns Russia: Knock it Off”
“Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dex, 20 Charisma”
“Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns”
“Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is ‘Worthless And Dumb’”
“Crazy Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes”
“National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler”
“8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights”
“FBI To Require Background Checks For Child-Care Providers: Child-Havers Unaffected”
“73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit”
“79 Percent Of Americans Missing The Point Entirely”
“South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year”
“Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying”
“Congress Approves $4 Billion For Bread, Circuses”
“Fundamentalist Aesopians Interpret Fox-Grapes Parable Literally”
“God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: ‘No,’ Says God”
“Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion- Clinic Attack”
“Angels in Heaven Already Sick of Hearing Cardinal O’Conner Tell Them How They Do it in New York”
Funny, because it’s so damn true.
“Traumatized Little Boy Comforted by TV”
–sublight.
“Machines: Will they Replace the China-man?”
“Drugs Win Drug War”
“Peace-Torn Germany …” (sorry, don’t remember the rest!)
“Religious Right Ascends to Heaven”
“U.S. Soldiers Pull Out of Vietnamese Peasant Girl”
Yes, I have an odd sense of humor. 
New E-toilet to Revolutionize Online Shitting
Depends Ain’t So Damn Dependable
This New Toilet Paper is So Soft and Absorbent!
I Hope My Baby Doesn’t Come Out All Fucked Up and Shit
That Teen Abstinence Rally Totally ROCKED!
I’ll Smoke Anything
Is This a Garage Sale or a Sick Joke?
Today’s Women Don’t Like It When You Come to Them as a Bull or a Swan
I’m Totally Psyched About This Abortion!
What the Hell Did I Cram in My Anus Last Night?
Man With Complete Mama’s Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again
Scientists Discover Gene Responsible for Eating Whole Goddamn Bag of Chips
Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting High
Clinton Calls for National Week Off to Get National Shit Together
Clinton Chastises Hillary for Failure to Produce Male Heir
Clinton Makes Collage for Best Friend
Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck
Coalition of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip to McDonalds
Cousin Oliver to Join White House for Last Year of Clinton Presidency
Aging Pope “Just Blessing Everything in Site,” Say Concerned Handlers
Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter “Worth the Wait”
for Christian Newly Weds
Vatican Rescinds “Blessed” Status of World’s Meek-“Screw the Meek,” Says Pope
Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho
“Man has hair feathered like wings of majestic bird”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me Jerry Garcia was dead?”
“Area man declares ‘bowl is cashed’”
“Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street: Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet”- The picture is priceless.
“Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician”
An addendum- the doctors office I recently went to had “Our Dumb Century” in the waiting room. For once, I really didn’t mind waiting the hour+ for my appointment.
Doctors to exercising seniors: “Don’t bother”.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
From Sept.3rd 1939:
French Surrender after valiant ten minute struggle
Fench citizenry welcomes German conquerors: “We kept your rooms just the way you left them”.
And who could forget:
Kennedy Slain By CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons
“President shot 129 times from 43 different angles”
I know this is probably really bad, and it doesn’t fit into the “headline” topic, but my favorite Onion article ever is this one:
My favorite:
Eight Pound Man Found In Woman’s Vagina
also
Clinton written up by “total bitch” supervisor
Man has amazing ass
Supreme Court Overturns Car
Area bassist fellated
Chess Supercomupter Beaten Up By More Popular Computer
Nation’s Educators Alarmed By Teens’ Poorly Written Suicide Notes
Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds
A good one from this week is
NRA Lobby Warns Congress Not To Try Anything Stupid