From “Our Dumb Century…”
“Nation Recoils in Horror From Frightening Joan Crawford Make-Up”
“New Medical Report Finds Heavy Petting Linked To Communism”
“Kennedy Slain By CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons: President Shot 129 Times from 43 different angles”
“Chaplin Moving Picture $400 over Budget”
Point-Counterpoint: Humidity
“What We Need Is More Humidity” - Duracraft Natural Warm Moisture Humidifier, Model DH-901
“Humidity Must Be Destroyed” - Edison 25 pt. Dehumidifier, Model DHE25W
WA-
headline cont. on page 2
the WWI edition from “Our Dumb Century”. Altho’ “HOLY SHIT” runs a very close second.
Tyson Escapes from Handlers
Christ Joins the NBA
(they discussed the argument over whether he could wear his crown of thorns or not…a sick, sick magazine. I’m addicted, bad)
Taken from their second book: “Finest News Reporting”
“Scissors Defeats Rock”
“Lewinsky Subpeonaed to Re-Blow Clinton on Senate Floor”
“McDonald’s Unveils New All-Beef Bun”
“Cool ‘Cybergranny’ Needs Machines to Help Her Live”
“Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down.”
“Christ Announces Hiring of Associate Christ”
“Chrysler Halts Production Of Neckbelts”
“General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags”
“NASA Baffled By Failure of Straw Shuttle”
The Onion Rules. 
“Basketball Star Blames God For Defeat”
“Amish Give Up”: ‘This is Bullshit,’ Elders Say.
“Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical”
“New Cereal For Poor Stays Crunchy in Water”
I’m not sure if I remember it correctly, and I can’t find it in the archives, but it was something like:
Congress to Ironhead: “What’s with this thingy?”
BTW, did anybody else, upon first hearing Weird Al’s “It’s All About the Pentiums” holler out: “Herbert Kornfeld!”
My all-time favorites:
U.S. Deploys Beefcake to Iraq
Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size
RC Cola Celebrates 10th Purchase
My Teddy Bear Collection is Fucking Great
Monkey Supercollider Loses Funding
Love is For Suckers (love that Jim Anchower!)
Oh! Giraffe’s post reminded me of the very first Onion item I ever heard (read on Car Talk):
Thanks for the link smeghead.
“War is Over: Women Triumphantly Return to Kitchens”
There’s a fantastic one in this week’s:
“William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior”
Made me cackle aloud.
Oh Grendel thanks for the reminder1 That has to be one of the best I ever heard as well. I made the mistake of reading it at a stoplight on the way home and almost got into a crash 'cause I was laughing so hard all the rest of the way home.
One of the best was the Nixon series. over a couple days you had:
NIXON ARRESTED IN CONNECTION WITH WATERGATE BREAK-IN
NIXON ESCAPES
president kills two, wounds six in stunning jailbreak
FEDS GUN DOWN NIXON OUTSIDE ARIZONA MOTEL
FBI agents bring down fugitive President in hail of gunfire; Agnew still at large
“Clinton Forgets to Hit ‘Save,’ Accidentally Deletes Federal Budget”
Apple Employee Fired for Thinking Different
The week before the 1996 Presidential election, they had:
“Dole Demands Pre-Emptive Re-Count”
“Russia Invaded, Conquered by Society for Creative Anacronism”
New Smokable Nicotine Sticks: Can They Help Smokers Quit?
“Five-Year Study Concludes Five Years Is a Long-Ass Time”
I also liked:
“Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 39; Rescue Bunny.”
From Our Dumb Century:
Scary Shark Face On Plane Terrifies Enemy; Could Turn Tide in Pacific (4-20-43)
Bleeping Two-Foot Tin Ball Threatens Free World
America suffers major defeat in Space-Gizmo Race (10-4-57)
From the On-Line:
Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania ‘A Hellhole’.
Incidentally, anyone here actually subscribe to the Onion or get it at a news stand (or bookstore or whatever). I’ve seen it once or twice and it’s a fairly thick looking thing. Are the side bar articles actually written up inside?
A friend of mine once brought in a hard copy. The sidebar articles aren’t expanded, it’s just that all the stuff that’s in the “avclub” section is included, so it’s like a few pages of silliness followed by a lot of serious stuff.
Sick, yet funny…
“Alzheimer’s Patients Demand Cure for Pancakes”
“Mother Teresa Sent to Hell in Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up”
And the week Gene Siskel died:
“Ebert Wins”