So, let’s say that I’m friends with a particular girl who I would like to be more than friends with. On top of this, let’s say that this girl’s job currently has her living in a state on the other side of the US (we know eachother from college).
We chat online on a regular basis about various random stuff, share some common interests (we share some common areas of fandom, some of the same interests in various hobbies such as swordplay and shooting, etc.). I’m not sure if she knows I like her (in other than a “friends” way), since it’s possible that I’m just less obvious than I think I am, she could have “Friend Blinders” on, or she could be intentionally missing whatever hints I might be dropping in order to avoid akwardness.
Anyhow, does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? Obviously the simple solution is to “Move On” and direct my attention elsewhere, but since I do like talking to her (hey, we both like the same TV shows for the most part, even if she never will realize why Captain Picard is obviously cooler than Han Solo) it’s kinda difficult to put her out of mind. I could tell her how I feel, but I dunno if that will induce excessive akwardness into our friendship (as it is, our friendship can be rather akward anyways, since my normal ability to carry a conversation seems to completley break down around her).
We have some common friends, but I don’t think if it would be fair for me to send one of them on a fishing expedition to find out if I have a chance with the girl. Then of course, there is the option of just keeping things at the current state of whatever it is.
So yeah, fellow Dopers, any experience with this? Any general advice here? Should I just wait until I start my new job and my classes in the fall to see if anything distracts me (I admit that having nothing to do at this point late in my summer vacation is probably giving me more time to stew in my thoughts).
Be upfront and talk to her, if not in person then on the phone. Yes, you said it’s awkward talking with her. Well, then you better get over it real quick.
A long distance relationship has a chance of working only if both parties know the score, are both willing to make it work, are honest with each other, and all of that relies on communication. You don’t have that.
Start now. And be prepared to walk away. I’m betting she has a full and active life while you are in heartache all alone. Regardless of any outcome of your conversation, you are, and will be, the only one in pain if you don’t clear the air right now.
I’m in a similar situation.
We’re best friends. We tell eachother we love eachother because we do… we are just not only in different locations but different places in our lives. I’m convinced that if we lived near eachother we’d find out a way to make it work. We both live very rich lives where we are. We date other, have boyfriend/girlfriends from time to time but there’s a part of us that always will belong to the other regardless if it ever happens for us or not.
I was in a similar situation during college, and I wound up marrying my long-distance crush. We knew each other in high school and stayed in touch by phone and mail, and the calls and letters kept getting longer and longer. We talked about our mutual attraction, but didn’t go exclusive until we got together in person and were able to see if the chemistry was there. It was, and we both ended up changing schools so we could go to the same one. We’ve been together almost 15 years, married almost 8.
So, yes, it can work, but you have to be willing to be flexible and live with the fact that one of you could meet someone else who has the advantage of being right there instead of clear across the country. Good luck!
You guys give sound advice, more or less in line with what advice I’ve gotten from the few friends who were willing to give advice (most of them considered this something of a landmine and decided to just give me an open ear and a closed mouth).
I suppose if I’m just up front and say “Hey, I just wanted to tell you, I really like you, in that more-than-friends kinda way” (Yeah, I talk like this in real life) and just let her know I’m not asking for anything in particular in return. Just sorta getting things out in the open, right?
Worst case scenario, she shoots me down, and I can put this behind me (getting shot down is traditionally the quickest first step on my way to coping with this sort of thing) and best case scenario, she’s secretly been lusting after me for as long as she’s known me (not terribly likely, but remember, best case scenario :D)
Yeah, I think you should probably tell her. Even if it turns out she doesn’t share the feeling, it’s better to find that out sooner rather than to continue getting attached the longer it goes on. Good luck to you.
So, I’ve just told her, and explained that if it’s not a two-way road, I still want us to be friends like we have been.
Thus far her response has been “Ah.” (Instant Messenger, since I don’t have her phone number and this is how we’ve communicated for the last year or so).
I spent some time this last weekend getting to know a girl who, at best, was an acquaintance in college, and I fond that I enjoyed her company quite a bit. So far, just an attraction, but we’ll see how it goes.
Well, I told her that I liked being friends with her, and if at all possible, I’d like to keep being friends with her… and now we’re talking about MacGuyver.
So I think things are OK. No sign of the group of violins that usually strike up a tune about now, but they might be out getting beers.
Now I realize… OK, now I’ve told her… now she knows… now what? I can’t really just bring it up periodically in conversation as if to make sure she hasn’t forgotten… eh, now I guess I just play it by ear and see what happens. Her job has her moving every few years, and I will probably be moving back to Texas in a few years (or joining the Air Force, which will have me moving every few years), so if we end up geographically more compatible, we’ll see what plays out.
Hmmmm. I agree with most of the above. Perhaps the “Ahhhh” response because the lady is shy and possiblyis very reserved with her feelings? I wouldn’t be too discouraged. But, as been said, be prepared to walk.
And, from Push You Down:
but there’s a part of us that always will belong to the other regardless if it ever happens for us or not.
Well, like I said, it was “Ah.” not to be confused with “Ahhhhh.” Maybe a difference of degree, but whatever
Anyhow, we talked a bit later, and we were just chatting about whatver, nothing along the lines of relationship type stuff. I’m just gonna play it by ear and see what cards the Universe deals in a few years.
Yeah, me too. Because aside from the fact that she’s smart, shares many of the same interests with me, and has a fun sense of humor (including campaigning for Senator Palpatine during the '04 elections), she’s freaking hot.
Ressurecting this long-dead thread to give an update to those who gave me advice. Nothing ever really came of this; I joined the Air Force, she’s engaged to get married to an old boyfriend of hers from school. We chat sometimes to bullshit about whatever random thing, but I’ve more or less moved on from that stage in my life. All in all, it worked out more or less well. I don’t have a hot blonde nerdy girlfriend, but I do at least still have her as a friend.
I thought of this thread because I’m currently going through a similar situation with a girl stationed at my base (at least this one’s not long-distance at the moment). One of these days, I need to learn to be more “Hey, you’re hot, want to get coffee and have hot sex?” and less “Hey, you’re hot, want to be my new friend with an eventual upgrade option to love interest?”
I feel for you, mate. Better luck with the current interest.
Trouble with your alternative options is, if you can stay friends then you have a friend, if you just play hide the sausage then there’s no continuation.
No judgement at all with that. It’s a decision I’ve made both ways. Personally, I prefer the friends, the memories keep me warmer. YMMof courseV.
