bg: I’m in a relationship with a man who lost his wife of 33 years in November. I was friends with him before she died, I was supportive and caring. He sends me plane tickets for long weekends. Wild cowboy sex hasn’t happened and probably won’t because he is squicked out about our age difference. /bg
About 6 months before his wife started dieing, she adopted a rescue cat. The cat gave M a lot of comfort during the hard times. The cat started showing signs that he was in distress a couple of months ago. Poor kitty lost control of his bladder and bowels as well as falling off things.
M did all the responsible things. When he took his cat to the vet on Friday to have cat released, the vet said that she was expecting to see him soon because the cat was so bad.
M texted me afterwards and has been very drunk ever since. I think that M is finally allowing his pain over losing his wife out. I can’t imagine any rational person going on a 3 day drunk over a cat, and I love cats.
How can I help him. I really do love him and I want to make things better for him. I can’t be there to hold him this weekend and I’m not really happy that he started his day with a Bloody Mary.
PurpleHorseShoe, if I sent you money, would you take him a pizza and be sure that he eats something?
This sucks. I want so much to do something, anything, to help. His pain levels are out of the roof and all I can do now is fret.
I think you are right about the cat being the tipping point for him to let out his grief.
33 years is a long time. My advice would be (and I’m not in favor of drinking as a way to cope with anything) is to let him have his drunk weekend, and if he doesn’t sober up and get back on track tomorrow, discuss seeing a professional. A professional wouldn’t be a bad idea in any case.
If he has just started grieving, he isn’t in any shape to be having a relationship. Be his friend for now, and don’t invest your heart into him at this point.
My heart is already invested. I do care. I also agree that he has used the loss of his cat to finally grieve. I just talked to him…still very drunk…and he said he wants to get married. To me. I know that’s just the booze speaking, because nobody wants to get married to someone too young to fuck.
I’m 33. He’s 58. There isn’t any child play happening here.
A 25 year age difference is not that big of a deal at 58.
This couple have 23 year age difference, have one kid and are expecting another. She’s 44 and he’s 21. They were 42 and 19, when she got pregnant with their first. They’re currently engaged.
So, he was married as long as you’ve been alive AND his wife died? The big deal isn’t the age difference…the big deal is that there’s no way this man will be ready for a serious relationship with anyone else for several years, let alone a long distance relationship with someone 25 years his junior. He’s likely willing to cling to anyone to avoid being alone right now.
If you really want to help him, let him grieve, be his friend, and talk to him…but knock off the relationship nonsense. There is nearly zero chance of things working long-term, and it will only cause pain for both of you. That’s the last thing that poor man needs.
This is harsh, but an available man never doesn’t have sex with a willing partner that he wants to have sex with. You are 33, not some kind of middle school jailbait. If your relationship is not sexual, it is not because of his age difference or him being such a sweet guy.
He needs to grieve. It won’t be quick or easy- they were married 33 years. This is not going to be over in one drunken weekend. He needs to rebuild himself.
If you really, truly, honestly care about him, let him go through this proccess without making it about you. This is not your grief, your crsis, or your story. You can be supportive and be a friend, but a relationship is not what he needs until he has healed. Out of respect for him and his heart, and for you, who absolutely deserves an available partner, keep this what it is - a close friendship.
If you are meant to be together, you will find your way to each other when the time is right. But for now, respect him enough to let him do what he has to do.