long-distance relationship problem

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

ok, here’s an interesting problem looking for advice on.

Currently in long-distance relationship for the past year…let me just say I am sooooo glad to have the unlimited night/weekend minutes w/nationwide long distance.

It is likely that in the next year or two we shall be married. Now comes the question of who gets to move.

Phouchg: Southern California, great job with great company, really like the area I live in. Family is back east somewhere. I keep in touch, but I am basically a lone wolf.

Phouchg’s potential bride: North Carolina, schoolteacher, no real ties to her area. She is willing to relocate to Cali, but there is an issue with that.

My bride’s parents are in their early 70s. Dad had a stroke a couple of years back, and while he is generally fully functional, he sometimes has days where he really can’t do too much of anything. Mom has deteriorated in the past 18 months with alzheimer’s. Really a sad thing. My bride said that over thanksgiving there were times her Mom didn’t recognize anything going on.

My bride currently lives about 6 hours away from her hometown - close enough to get there if she is needed. Right now she visits about one weekend every two months or so. She fears that as her mother descends into her own world, her father’s stress will increase, and they will not have a support system. Oh, and my bride is an only child, and Mom and Dad have no other living relatives. They have friends from church and neighbors, but really nobody else.

I cannot relocate easily. My job is rather specialized, and openings for my exact job happen very infrequently.

I admire my bride’s devotion to caring for her parents. While she hasn’t lived at home since she was 18, she has always been at the most a 10 hour drive away.

What do I do? Should I give up my rather cushy awesome job to search actively on the east coast (my bride would like to stay within an 8 hour drive of her parents in WV). Should we see about moving the parents out here (theoretically possible, but extremely unlikely). My bride can very easily find work out here (there is such a shortage of quality elementary teachers right now).

Whaddya think?

Phouchg
Lovable Rogue

2

All I can say is that I suspect that a good deal of what you love about this woman is the very quality that makes it difficult/impossible for her to abandon her parents when they need her.

Is moving the parents impossible? I know that CA is so much more expensive than NC, but perhaps you could find some sort of assisted living community close to you where she could visit them even more often than she does now. If that flat out isn’t an option, then I would start trying to come up wiht a creative answer to the question of what you could use your skills and talents for in her area–and think of really serious changes to your career–people’s skill sets are often more flexible than they realize.

Last, remember that being offered a position dosen’t mean you are obligated to take it. Go ahead and start sending out resumes, network, network, network–and have the girlie network, too. One of the advantages in your situation is that you have some flexibility as to the timing: if you send out feelers for the next 18 months, who knows what might turn up? And if nothing turns up, you’ll be no worse off than you are now.

3

Jobs come and go – even the good ones. But your bride has only one set of parents. If she isn’t close by, she may be worried all of the time or have feelings of guilt. I don’t see many good feelings coming out of making that move unless the parents are willing to come too.

North Carolina is a beautiful state with the advantages of being on the sea and having mountains too. You can make friends whereever you go.

You say that she has no ties there, but it sounds like she actually has more ties than you.

The good thing is that you don’t have to decide right now. Maybe with a little time, the two of you will know what to do.

4

My honest opinion - I don’t see a big difference in being a 6-8 hour drive away and being an airplane flight away (if you both have jobs that can swing the cost of airline fair, of course). If she is 6 hours away, they’re going to need somebody nearby to do the daily looking after anyway, won’t they? It’s not like she would be going from living next door to living on the left coast. Not an easy question to answer, I’m afraid.

5

how long does it take to fly from cali to WV? is it much longer than 6 hours? surely a 6 hr flight would be as good as a 6 hour drive?

sorry, i’m ignorant of these things.

could her parents come and live with you both after the marriage?

(my grandmother moved from zimbabwe to ireland and has lived with us since my parents married…25 years ago)

have you asked her father what he wants?

is he happy to move? is he ok with her moving?

6

I see from the posts that came in while I was composing mine that I’m coming from a different place. In my life, I have had a very hard time finding jobs that I liked, and I place a very high value on them. I’m quite jealous of people who have good jobs that they enjoy - I have spent my adult life looking for that pot of gold. That brings up a good point - what are your priorities, Phouchg? How important is your job satisfaction? (Please note that this isn’t a judgement of you - if your job is very important to you, you need to acknowledge that and work with it in your future plans.)

7

This is kinda delicate to bring up, but what is the liklihood that her parents will be living on their own in two years (or living at all)? They sound like they may need assisted living, nursing home, daughter living with them, something… within the next few months to a year to me. That may change things.

8

Hello? OP guy? Have you abandoned your own thread? Did our advice stink that much?