Do you have a logical reason to** not **feel good about yourself? Seriously, until you figure out that hanging with people whom you permit to call you a wuss and a coward, and self identify so, your life isn’t going to substantially change.
If you want things to be different, you need to change your behaviours. Tell your friend you’re trying to make some changes in your life and you’d appreciate a new title, please. If they are your friends, they’ll understand.
Ignoring the voice in your head, isn’t your issue. Changing that dialogue, is. You know how you can change it? Stop letting you or anyone else identify you as anything negative. How would you speak of your gran if she had all the same character flaws? Would you call her a coward, wuss or moron? No, you wouldn’t, you’d identify the same flaws, only in kinder, gentler words. Do the same for yourself and things will begin to change for you. Tiny steps lead to big changes, I know from experience.
You don’t want to change anything, you just want everything to get better. Not how it works I’m afraid.
As I said in my previous post, I realize that a lot of my behavior is not ideal. Some of it is my fault (I should choose to have a better work ethic) and some isn’t (I can’t really do much about my poor social skills). I feel guilty about the stuff that I know I should change, and limited by the stuff I can’t. (And on re-read, I can’t believe how much that sentence sounds like an emo version of the serenity prayer. )
To be fair, I think my friend was trying to make me feel better by making light of the situation. He and I tease each other about stupid little things all the time and, honestly, I’d much rather he see my anxiety as an amusing personality quirk than a crippling disorder. He’s actually done a lot to try to help me. He got me into kayaking despite my parents’ trying to convince me that it was too dangerous (which led to another one of his nicknames for me: Sinky :D). He convinced me to start playing World of Warcraft specifically because he was friends with some of his guildmates and knew that becoming friends with them online would be easier than me trying to immediately socialize face to face. (One of those friends is the one I ended up being roommates with for the past year. Another is the one who offered to teach me how to drive. So I’d say he got me some pretty good friends. )
So I don’t really think Blood Elf Boy is any threat to my self-esteem.
Okay, I like that, the idea of identifying the flaws in kinder words. I think most of my reason for thinking that I couldn’t think positively was because I thought that meant I’d have to try to lie to myself about my flaws.
It’s a hard thing to admit, but yes, this is the exact problem. When I was getting psychiatric help, I was all for medications but doubtful about the benefits of therapy. I told myself it was because I thought of my problem as medical rather than behavioral, but the truth is I really just wanted a magic pill that would change everything with no effort on my part. (Goddamnit. Now I’m thinking “it’s because I’m lazy! I’m too lazy to do anything for myself!” This positive thinking thing is going to take practice…)
So… is there a trick to overcoming depression-induced laziness, or do I just have to bite the bullet and do things that I really don’t want to do to make my life better?
By the way, thanks again to everyone who’s replied. I really appreciate this.
I think you are being too hard on yourself, so…yeah, I think it’s a perception issue, in part. You are clearly intelligent. You are able to attract smart friends who are willing to help you. You have a measure of self-awareness, and a desire to better self-actualize.
Trust me, these are rare things. So, what’s your problem, again?
Sort of kidding and not making light of how you feel. I’m not sure there’s a trick to overcoming apathy besides biting the bullet and Just Doing It. It takes work to get out of any rut.
The following may sound sound grossly trite, but whatever.
How much exercise do you get?
Hobbies? Interests? Pets? Volunteer gigs? Why or why not?
Have you ever taken any aptitude tests, a la What Color is Your Parachute?
Is there any reason why you can’t continue your education?
Also I think you should leap at the chance to learn to drive. Driving is fun. You may never end up owning a car or needing one, but it’s a pretty important skill if you want to to be a versatile human. I couldn’t figure out a 'droid phone to save my life - I tried - but that’s not an essential life skill IMO. Driving? Maybe not essential, but close, depending on where you live and how you want to spend your life,
Yeah, well if you don’t look hard, at what this word play is doing in your life, and act to change it, your opportunity to recognize it, or change it, is going to evaporate, I hate to tell you. The muscle you exercise is the one that grows stronger. When you hear/say harsh, judgmental things about yourself as your daily diet, YOU are creating that internal dialogue you claim you wish were different. Words are extremely powerful things, my friend, be at least as careful, in how you use them, on yourself, as you do with others. You would never tease your gran that way, people would think you a monster. You are being a monster to yourself.
There is a vast difference between being brutally honest about your flaws and being harshly judgmental.
I know, full well, (more than you know), exactly how difficult this is to hear and understand and change. Believe me. But I am here to tell you, it works. From the smallest, tiniest steps comes life altering change, for true.
Here’s a little trick to try to help you get to the things you can’t seem to get around to achieving, even knowing you need to, are capable of, Sort of how to step up, to the potential that will get you, feeling a little better, about that piece of your life.
When you’re self defeating and sabotaging it’s pretty clear that you are what’s in your own way. You are confident of your ability, yet the fulfillment of achieving your potential eludes you. Here’s the thing, what you need is permission. And guess what? You are the only person who can give it! I know, kind of weird, eh? (Stay with me!)
Pick a physical action you do everyday, like pouring cereal or, washing your hair, doesn’t matter what it is, just pick one. Now, every morning while you are doing this, you say, aloud, like you mean it, with firmness, ‘Today, I give my self permission to have a focused and productive day!’. I realize it sounds incredibly easy, and definitely silly. It’s very, very difficult. Your monkey mind is going to do every distracting dance, it knows, to keep you from remembering to do this. (It took me almost 6 wks before I could do it for a week straight!)
That’s it. Just that simple. No meds, no pesky therapists or irritating appointments to keep. Just a little exercise for your brain. It was delivered to me as a challenge.
I wish you nothing but good luck. It sounds like you’re asking all the right questions. And, I believe it’s all going to get better for you, in time.
You got hired and are holding a job (maybe barely) in one of the worst job markets of anyone’s memory. That implies that you probably aren’t the loser you think you are.
I think a lot of people just have to struggle from becoming “40 years old, can’t hold a job, living in mom’s basement.” But even if you have a 90 minute commute and so working to live involves very little living, independence is worth it. Cause chances are good you’ll outlive the parental safety net.
You have to bite the bullet to overcome depression induced laziness. That IS the trick. Its to get up every day and act like you don’t have it. You may always have it - but more often than not, you’ll function.
Posting before reading the thread, so I don’t bias my response with others input…
Firstly, congratulations on all the positive steps you have made in your life!
Have you taken a moment to just reflect on what you’ve achieved in a year? You’ve gone from living with your parents and feeling controlled by them (my take on your words) to being an independent person with a job that you got yourself. That is HUGE!
With regards your current job, don’t throw in the towel just yet. You haven’t been fired yet, so you haven’t ‘totally destroyed it’.
Have a think about what it is that is boring you in a job that you used to enjoy. Is your work not challenging enough? Could you take on bigger or more complex work? Would you like more varied work, different types of projects?
How about having an open and honest conversation with your manager? Admit to the fact that you haven’t been working to your potential and commit to improving. Ask if there’s something you could add to your job that would bring you some enjoyment.
Having said that, your job is not your life and your life is not your job. For some people, it might be, but you are a programmer, not a wildlife documentary maker <insert your dream job here>. So make sure you have realistic expectations of how fulfilling your job is going to be, and if it’s not very fulfilling, seek fulfilment elsewhere. When I had a boring job, I went to night classes and learnt how to figure draw. It gave me the creativity outlet I didn’t have in my job.
A 90 minute commute each way is a bit sucky, but I’ve heard much worse. You need to decide whether you like your current environemnt enough to justify the commute, or whether you’d be happier living in a not-so-nice area and saving 2 hours a day (or whatever it works out to be). That said, given that you’re using public transport, could you use that time more productively, e.g. reading/listening to podcasts, etc?
People don’t say what they believe as much as they believe what they say.
While it is important to assess yourself honestly, it is more important to express that assessment in positive terms. Teasing is ok, but does your friend also praise your attempts to move forward, or does he belittle them? If the latter, you need to talk to him.
The advice given by elbows is good and comes from a tradition made famous by Emile Coue. Do it.
Ultimately, you know the situation best and it’s your decision to make. But if nothing else, look at it as an opportunity to practice talking about your job plans (something you’ll be doing if you end up seeking another job) - if you know you’re leaving this job anyway, you don’t have to worry as much about making a bad impression.
But you’re not in therapy! You are getting advice about how to develop your long-term goals in life from a neutral third-party who doesn’t see you as “our darling perfect girl” nor as a “parent-enabled loser”.
Good advice already given, so all I’ll add is my suggestion that you change your Dopername to something more positive and affirming. “I am Amanda!” is yours for the taking!
Thank you. I’ve been trying to do this every morning as I get ready for work. One thing I’ve been trying to incorporate into my thought process (which I remember learning about when I was in therapy) is to try to avoid “all or nothing” thinking. I’m trying to keep from labeling myself as “bad,” “stupid,” etc because that implies that everything I do is bad or stupid, and I know that isn’t the case. I keep trying to remind myself that I never label other people like that, so labeling myself would be hypocritical. One thing about myself that I do take a lot of pride in is that I’m not a judgmental person. So if I think it’s wrong to disrespect others, then I shouldn’t disrespect myself, either. (Like your “gran” analogy).
I’m out of shape but plan to get in shape once this drama with my job/living situation is sorted out. I have a cat whom my roommate gave me (It was hers but she couldn’t take her when she moved, and the cat had bonded with me anyway), and I’m one of those pet owners you either love or hate; the type who will jump at any excuse to show you pics of the cat on my phone or talk about the cute thing she did recently. (Speaking of which, know of any good free photo hosting sites? I will make you all squee! :D)
The only hobbies I pursue at the moment are playing world of warcraft and reading but, once I have more free time, I want to get back into playing musical instruments and kayaking. I don’t currently do volunteer work but, again, with more free time I’d love to. I’m also thinking about joining the Unitarian church.
So I guess what it boils down to is that I don’t currently have anything other than programming that I can pursue, career-wise, but I do have dreams of eventually having a more diverse set of interests and skills, even if those aren’t necessarily career-oriented.
I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and learning to drive is now on my list of things I absolutely must accomplish. I really think the freedom that that sort of mobility would give me would be a huge self-confidence builder. Also, I’m not sure how realistic this dream is but, since you talk of driving being fun, I’ve been reading a lot on the internet lately about motor trikes. I’ll never be able to ride a real motorcycle (my sense of balance is so bad, I can’t ride a bicycle), but I think a trike would be awesome.
*“Then you should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.
"I do,’ Alice hastily replied; “at least–at least I mean what I say–that’s the same thing, you know.”
"Not the same thing a bit!"said the Hatter. “You might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!” *
My friend does praise my attempts to move forward. He says I’m one of the smartest people he knows, and basically attributes my “wussiness” to self-doubt that he feels I can and should overcome.
LOL. I dunno, “I am Amanda!” isn’t really my style. Maybe I’ll start another IMHO thread for people to vote on what my username should be. Or maybe I’ll keep it as it is, so I can look back at it someday and realize how much I’ve grown since first registering.
I think the problem is sort of an anxiety-powered self-fulfilling prophecy. I try to work on a project and I find myself constantly thinking “Am I doing this right? Did I understand the requirements correctly? Is this the most efficient way to solve the problem? Should this project be my highest priority? Should I be working on something else?” I’m also constantly worried that I have other work I should be doing that I’ve forgotten to do. So then I sort of mentally blank out, stuff doesn’t get done, and my fears have come true. :smack:
I really, really want more in my life than just my job. I want time to pursue other interests. I think right now, the combination of ridiculous commute with job stress prevents me from doing this. What free time I do have is typically spent playing World of Warcraft. Some people (my mom, in particular) think I have an addiction to it, but the truth is it’s just the only way I can block the stress out and relax. Take away WoW, and it would be some other game or some other meaningless activity. I’m not going to have the mental energy to pursue more meaningful hobbies until I feel like I have my life back.
I read and listen to podcasts, but the commute itself poses some problems because it’s unpredictable. I’m constantly having to make sure I don’t get distracted and miss the bus (which is always fricking late), that sort of thing, so anything that requires a lot of concentration is out.
But you guys have Christmas in the summer, and that’s just weird.
Don’t think of it as lazy. Think of it as having an urge to be ergonomically efficient.
You sound like you’re sorting through the advice and picking out bits to apply to your situation. That’s cool. If you check out the thread again in a few months, you’ll probably be able to sort and pick out more.
I’d like to add my vote to the exercise. I say this as someone who needs to arrange to exercise with someone in order to keep doing it with any regularity. I used to beat myself up for that. Now I give myself credit for asking for help with things I need help with. And the exercise improves my mood and my mobility (arthritis in the knees).
If you’ve been lurking, you know how this board reacts to kitty pictures.
Fix the way you look at yourself, you certainly do not write like someone with a learning disability - you come off as very intelligent. I’ve never met a programmer that wasnt intelligent.
Social skills - I dont have them, but I have learned to stay quiet unless its a subject that I am knowlegable in. quiet and polite and flattering. Flattery WILL get you everywhere.
Also, remember - most of the time its not what you know its WHO you know. Use your connections, friends, family, borderline friends to help you find a new job before you leave your current job. Almost all of my jobs I have gotten because of WHO I knew.
You have something most do not have - you have a net. Your parents. If your world completely collapsed and burnt - you have your parents. That is an extremely positive thing and you should look at it that way. AND (important) they love you.
Hey, sorry I haven’t posted in a while. Been busy with a lot of stuff. I know this might not sound like the “right” decision but, after a lot of contemplation, I have put in my two weeks’ notice at work. I’ll be moving back in with my parents, but only until I get a job (I’m already sending out applications) and then I’m getting an apartment near the job.
Yeah, I’ll probably start a new thread over in MPSIMS once I set up the flickr account. (For some reason I thought Flickr had switched to being a pay service. Glad to know it’s still free). I love showing off my Vicki. She’s half (or possibly 3/4) Maine Coon, so she’s a big ball of fluff.
“Learning disability” doesn’t necessarily imply a lack of intelligence. It’s just a disability that primarily impacts a person’s ability to function in a traditional academic setting. In my case, I have fine/gross motor skills impairments, which means that I have poor hand-eye coordination and have trouble manipulating objects with my hands. This is something that most people wouldn’t notice about me now, but when I was a kid in school it was a bitch. When I was in first grade, my teacher refused to acknowledge that I had a disability (because if you don’t look disabled then you aren’t :rolleyes: ). She’d yell at me in front of the class until I cried and make me stay in the classroom with the lights out when the other kids went to recess. My parents didn’t find out about this until a few years later (not because I felt the need to hide it, but because I was too young to understand that the teacher’s behavior was wrong), and I think that that ultimately played a tremendous role in why they’re some overprotective of me now: they’re paranoid that I’ll be mistreated again and not do anything about it.
(The one thing my parents did know at the time was the teacher openly criticized them for tying my shoes for me. She thought if they were left untied and I tripped over them enough I’d choose to be able to tie them. :rolleyes: I finally mastered tying them at age 10).
I was in special ed for 2nd and 3rd grade because I could barely write. (But I was reading on the same level as the teacher. I’m not kidding.) Mainstreamed after that, with occupational therapy until 8th grade. I also supposedly have ADD (I’ve been diagnosed with it but don’t respond to medications, and I’m from the generation where most kids were diagnosed with ADD at one point or another, so who knows?).
And about programmers always being intelligent: Many programmers (myself included) are like the gifted kid from the Far Side strip who pushes on the pull door. Intelligence in one area doesn’t imply intelligence in other areas. (NOT implying that I think I’m stupid, by the way. Just pointing out that intelligence is not a one-dimensional concept.)
Yes. I always feel guilty about complaining about my parents’ enabling me, because the flip side of that coin is that they’re always there for me. This is why I’ve decided to move back home. If I get a job near my parents, even if I’m living on my own, I’ll feel more secure knowing that they’re nearby.
)
)
