long-time lurker, new poster needs advice about careers and life and stuff

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi everyone. I’ve lurked the Dope on and off for several years, but only now worked up the courage to post. I hope this post isn’t going to come across as whiny or immature, but I need advice and I’ve always been amazed at how intelligent Dopers seem to be compared to the rest of the internet, so I figure you guys are the best people to ask for advice.

I’m a recovering “live in my parents’ basement” type. I’m in my late 20s, can’t drive, have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life and mild visual/learning disabilities since I was born. My parents are wonderful people who mean well, but they tend to enable me. I had a web programming job for a few years, which my dad would drive me to, but I got so sick of feeling like I had no control over my life that, a little over a year ago, I got a job in another state (a few hours’ drive from my parents) and moved in with a friend. Said friend just moved out of our apartment (which I am cool with; it’s not like she’s abandoning me or our friendship has ended or anything. She just wanted to live with her boyfriend).

Rather than go on for several paragraphs of boring details, this is where I stand right now:

[ul]
[li]I commute 90 minutes each way to my job via public transportation. This sucks.[/li][li]Moving closer to work is technically an option, but I’d rather not because the area has a high crime rate.[/li][li]I find my job boring as hell (which is a damn shame, since I used to enjoy programming) and want to get out of it. I feel like that guy from Office Space. Also (and I could kick myself for this), in my immature stupidity I’ve slacked off a lot at work and my boss is angry at me. I’m worried that if I don’t quit soon, he’ll fire me. So basically I had a great job (except for, y’know, the part about hating it) and I totally destroyed it because I’m a moron.[/li][li]As far as looking for a new job and new place to live is concerned, I feel torn. I have several friends here (one of whom has even offered to teach me to drive. Don’t know whether to call him a saint or insane), but I also have friends back home and I miss my family. If I do move back home, I will not move back into my parents’ house. I’ll get an apartment.[/li][/ul]

So here I am, looking for a new job in this crappy economy because I flushed my good job down the toilet.

Here’s where I really need the Dope to advise me: How do I find a job that won’t make me feel bored out of my skull? Or is having a boring job a fact of life? I read stuff like question #4 in this Cracked article (tl;dr: “Don’t be like that guy from Office Space. Do what you love”) and I wonder if people believe things like that just because it makes them feel better. Maybe work is supposed to be 40 hours of stress and boredom per week, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just too idealistic. Maybe I’m just immature and need to get over it.

Anyhow, I promise my other posts on the Dope will be less whiny. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies to this. :slight_smile:

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reported

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Crap, what did I do?

4

Huh? For what?

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A boring job isn’t a fact of life - but very few of us get jobs that we truly enjoy every minute of. And for someone with anxiety and depression, it can be REALLY easy to focus on the negatives of a job and forget what you did like about it.

At the same time, for a lot of people a job is simply an enabler. It lets you be able to afford things you want - like not living with your parents. They don’t love their jobs, but they enjoy eating and paying rent (or they like their new BMW - its really just a matter of scale - more than they don’t like their job).

The trick with any job you get is - to the best of your ability - make it what you want it to be. Focus on the positives. Look for new opportunities to change what you do.

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Since you still have a job and an apartment, start there. You can start by talking with your boss and apologizing for not working to your best ability. Then work hard at it. The boss is going to respond more positively to you if you admit you screwed up. You’re better off with the job – even a bad one – than going out on your own.

In the meantime, look for other jobs. You can look for places that are more convenient to get to, or are in a better neighborhood. If you find something, you can then deal with moving, if necessary.

Take up the offer to learn to drive. Maybe it won’t work out, but it’s worth the effort.

You don’t have to love your job. It’s just as important to keep an income. There’s nothing wrong with taking a job you hate as long as you realize you don’t have to do it the rest of your life – and to take steps to fix things in the long run.

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Oh thank Og. I thought I’d broken some sort of horrible rule and was going to get banned. :eek: Please forgive the newbie if I’ve done anything wrong.

I’ve tried to think of it like this, but it seems like my job takes up so much of my time. Granted, the 90-minutes-each-way commute probably plays a large role in this perception… :smack:

Is it worth getting a permit if I might be leaving the state in a month or two?

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Nothing wrong that I can see.

Joe

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Well, I really like my job, but it still has a fair amount of stress and boredom. But I get a great deal of personal satisfaction once that stress and boredom turns into a useful result. I can’t think of any specific advice for you, other than perhaps try to find a similar programming job at a company you find more interesting.

Definitely! Get started now so you can have some positive momentum in your life. You may end up staying in your current state. The “worst case” scenario here is that you get your permit now, and then when you move you’ll have to spend 30 minutes of your life at at DMV. And if you can start driving yourself around now, you’ll be rewarded with a hell of a lot more than 30 minutes

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People with depression and anxiety issues can easily convince themselves they are trapped in one place. Making their life change the anxiety makes it seem to be such a daunting task and the depression makes it seem impossible. But you change your life like you eat an elephant, one bite at a time. Move somewhere closer to your job so you can have more free time. Your job is probably not ringed by 90 miles of high crime area, find an acceptable place closer, even an extra half hour both ways would improve your life a good bit. Try to find ways to make your work less boring, maybe listening to music or podcasts, for example. Not trying at work is always more boring than trying to excel. Whether or not you do move, learn to drive. It will give you freedom and control which are both good for depressive people. Take some CBT, that will help your mental state. It sounds like going back home is a search for comfort and could be a retreat from life unless you change other things about your life. But take stock and make plans and execute those plans. Action can be a cure for depressive apathy.

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What job location doesn’t have any safe living areas within a 90 minute radius of it? Are you in Libya, Iraq or Afghanistan?

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YES! Increased mobility is a big mood booster. And it may take a few months to get comfortable enough driving to get a regular license. Any step forward with this is a good thing.

When you take public transportation, it’s not just a matter of the radius, it’s a matter of the bus lines and how well their schedules match up. She may have to take three different buses, or two that include a 40 minute layover at a bus stop.

The ideal location would be an apartment that’s a single bus line from work, with buses coming by often enough. Depending on the line, that might not be possible.

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Agreed, it makes perfect sense if the OP works in a downtown area. There might be only a few buses that pass by her workplace, which pass through only high crime or high rent neighborhoods.

Still, the OP could do some research on the actual crime rates (I’ve used sites like neighborhoodscout.com). While it’s true that crime rates are generally higher in the city, in many cases that crime is concentrated in a few bad neighborhoods. I know that in Boston, for instance, crime tends to be worst right in the city center (where tourists get mugged) and a handful of very rough neighborhoods. There are plenty of unglamorous working-class neighborhoods with relatively low crime rates and affordable housing.

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I agree with those who’ve said your first focus should be on your current job. Talk to your boss, admit you’ve made mistakes, and work on improving your performance. This will secure your present employment.

That doesn’t mean that you have to work there forever. You can still look around for a new job while holding on to the job you have. It’s a lot less stressful to want a better job because you’d like to improve your life than to need any job because you’re out of work.

So once you’ve got things on a steady basis, you can start considering which things you want to work on changing; look for a better job, look for a better place to live, get a car, meet more people, whatever. I recommend you try making one change at a time rather than trying to change everything all at once.

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I agree that the first thing to do is to keep your job. Some bosses might enjoy firing people, most don’t (I sure didn’t) and the fact that you were warned is a good sign that the situation is salvageable. Ask for specific goals which you can accomplish to prove that you’ve turned things around, and then accomplish them. Some companies have formal warning policies that involve setting goals like this - you’ll also see what the boss really thinks if he sets realistic ones.

As for beyond this, try to learn something new that would be useful for work, even if you have to do it on your own time, and even if it is hard. It might increase your productivity, it might give you a unique skill, and conquering something new makes you feel good about yourself.

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Welcome, Amanda. If you’ve been lurking like you said, you know we love telling random strangers what we think they should do with their life! :wink: A big, fat +1 to Little Nemo’s post up there. Many (not all - some people are teh krazy - but most) bosses are surprisingly amenable to hearing “I screwed up. I’m sorry, and I’d like to fix this” from the people who work for them. It’s hard as hell to say, but can be rewarding. At a minimum, it’s a step towards improving your current situation. You haven’t “flushed [your] good job down the toilet” … yet.

Can you sign up for an online course or something - either something interesting just for the sheer helluvit, or to help you boost your marketable skills - and use your current commute time to read/study? (If/when you start driving, you won’t have that option.) Shit, an hour and a half five days a week … you could learn a new language! :slight_smile:

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I tried therapy back when I still lived with my parents, and it didn’t seem to help. I’d feel inspired during the sessions, but then I’d go home and fall back into the same rut I had been in. I suppose part of it could have been the fact that I was being driven back and forth to the sessions by my dad, who didn’t think I needed to be in therapy and made the whole thing more stressful than it needed to be. Still, it’s hard to change my negative thinking patterns when my internal monologue is so convincing.

Alright, looks like I’ll take the plunge, then. I do think a lot of my issues stem from not being able to drive, so maybe this will make me feel better.

Exactly. I take a bus to a light rail, and then get off the light rail to get on another bus. And that last bus is nearly always late. By car, the trip to work would only be half an hour. Also, when I said that the area was high-crime, I specifically meant the area within walking distance to work.

On preview: Voyager and Little Nemo, my boss has made it pretty clear he wants me out of here, to the point where he posted my position on the company’s website as being available. :smack: Honestly, even if he did give me a second chance, I feel so ashamed of what a slacker I’ve been that I’d really rather just start over somewhere else. I’m just terrified that I’ll make the same dumb mistakes over again.

On second preview: Wow, you guys are replying faster than I can post this reply! :smiley: Hi, purplehorseshoe. Yes, that’s why I finally got up the courage to register and post. I know the Dope is filled with people who have experienced more in life than I have, and are wiser than I could ever hope to be.

I currently spend most of my commute on my droid, reading e-books (about half way done A Dance With Dragons :slight_smile: ) or listening to podcasts while playing tower defense games. I probably should use the time more productively.

Okay, so many of you are saying I should talk to my boss. I guess I should try to work up the courage to talk to him tomorrow. I don’t know if I can. I don’t even know if I should. I do still want to move back to my hometown; I know that this year away has been something I needed to do to prove I could be independent, but I don’t like being this far away from my family. I don’t know… nothing is ever simple in life, is it? I need to think about this.

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Well the first thing you can do, to improve yourself and your world, is to stop self identifying as a Wuss and a moron. Yeah, I know, it seems a small and insignificant thing. It’s not. Truth is, the words that follow, ‘I am…’, have more power than you imagine. You know how the Buddhists are always saying we create our own reality? Yeah, I know, it is a difficult concept to understand fully. But they are right. When you self identify in this fashion you are choosing a future for yourself that confirms that declaration. The difference between saying ‘I am a moron!’ and ‘I wish I could act like less of a moron!’ is enormous for your future. If you want to ensure you will continue to be sabotaged by your own moroness, there is no better way than to continue to self identify in this way.

So now you’re saying, ‘Well, that’s an easy thing to change, I’ll do it!’ I dare you to try. People who self sabotage, in this way, are always stunned to discover that their subconscious, self defeating ways, might be stronger than their conscious will.

Secondly, move. That’s right. Face your unreasonable fear and move closer to where you work. Your world will improve substantially. Or accept defeat, as is your habit, and stay a scared wuss. Find out where your coworkers reside, nearer to the job. I have commuted 90 mins on public transit for a job, and it sucks large. Change this, the only thing standing in your way is your perception that there are no safe neighbourhoods any closer than 90 mins by public transit.

Thirdly, do something you’re proud of. It doesn’t really matter what it is, only that you’re proud of having done it.

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I agree with** elbows**, be proud of yourself first and then you will be able to make positive changes in your life.

The thing about learning to drive and ditching the hassles of public transportation is really going to depend upon how much of your budget your are willing to spend. There is the initial cost of the car, then gas and upkeep and potential maintenance, and insurance. This can add up to quite a bit of money.

Then there is the moving closer option, pencil out the additional costs of that too before you do it.

If you end up in a new location, with better freedom of mobility, but no money left to go anywhere it will not be much of a life change improvement. You could end up alone, broke, and unhappy.

Prepare a budget with all the different scenarios and see what is realistic and possible. Don’t dream yourself into a worse situation.

And do not be afraid of change, recovery from failure is not that hard. Try something new and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

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The thing about positive self-labeling is that I don’t feel like I have a logical reason to feel good about myself. Granted, I realize this isn’t an all-or-nothing thing; there are some things about myself that I’m proud of. But the bad outweighs the good by a lot. It’s really hard to ignore the voice in my head saying, for example “You have terrible work ethic and should be ashamed” when there have been so many times when I read websites on my phone instead of working; or “You have no social skills and everyone thinks you’re retarded” when I know that people used to ask my sister what was wrong with me back when we were in high school.

Very slightly off-topic, I do want to point out, though, that my user-name/first thread combination is an unfortunate coincidence. :smack: “Wuss” is actually a nickname one of my best friends calls me. We have the sort of friendship where we’re constantly teasing each other. He teases me for my anxiety and lack of social skills; I tease him for his inability to grow facial hair (he had the world’s tiniest goatee when we were in college) and the fact that he plays a blood elf in WoW… you get the picture. I almost went with the username “Cowardly Woman”, another name he calls me. That would have been even worse, wouldn’t it?