Long-Time Single Dopers In Love: A Poll

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the deal: I’m 38, female, and have been single for 8 years now. I’ve dated plenty in that time, but haven’t come across a real romantic relationship, until now. At this point, being a single mom and completely independent has become a part of my identity, both to myself and to my friends and family. I’m used to being the boss, doing everything, and taking full responsibility- it’s just who I am. I do get help here and there from friends and family, but for the most part, I stand alone. It’s something that was new to me, and scary, and very difficult for a long time, but I can honestly say that I have come through to the other side and am much stronger and happier for the time spent alone.

Now along comes this guy. And he is perfect for me. Just the right amount and combination of looks, class, kindness, funniness, manliness, etc. Everything that I have ever hoped and dreamed for. I want him. He wants me. Life is sweet. I am actually falling in love with him, and him with me.

Except, I have been having these twinges of sadness/wistfulness/discomfort? For one thing, I do not like change. I thrive on routine and boring, and I don’t adapt quickly to new. Also, there are so many things I’m not used to. He says, “I worried about you.” I say, “Oh, that’s sweet.” I think, “Nobody worries about me- I worry about other people. Hmmph.” I think about a time that may come that I’ll have to consult with another on how to spend my time and money, how to keep my house, where to live, etc. I think back to my first (and only) marraige when I was not in love but trapped, and I know that I could never experience that again.

Another thing is that as a highly sensitive person, I need a lot of alone time. And I mean A LOT. How am I s’posed to deal with being around an actual other person 24/7? Right now I build in a decent amount of alone time without the kids, and it makes me a very happy mom which makes my kids happy. Not that I don’t enjoy being around them, they’re all very good kids and we do enjoy our togetherness, but there’s built into me a very strong need for occasional solitude. Is he going to understand that, and not take it personally? On a grander scale, is he going to accept all my quirks and seemingly strange needs and moods and whims? I’m not used to it!

Did anyone here who was single for a long time find themselves in a relationship that was definitely wanted yet plagued by these feelings? How did you work it out- or did it just naturally work itself out? All you need is love?

If this thread sinks like a stone, it has still helped me to process this- but I would appreciate any opinions.

2

I could have written your post. My first marriage lasted only five years; raised my son alone and worked outside the home, and for a long time had a hard time making ends meet, but I made a decent career and did very well. I too have always cherished my privacy and independence. When my son left home, I experienced the “empty nest” syndrome for about three days, then thought, “Wow, I have my place to myself!” (Of course, I still missed him, but I gloried in the privacy, alone-time, and having to take care of no one else but myself.) I dated off and on and concentrated on my job Had a couple of serious relationships, then after getting dumped ten years ago, I said the hell with it and didn’t even worry about finding a man and didn’t date. I loved my job and focused on that. It was during that time that I met my future husband. (As they say, when you least expect it…) We dated for years, and it was a pretty rocky relationship; there were times I didn’t think it would work out. Things smoothed out for us, and he asked me to marry him. Yikes!! I put him off. It was scary, for the same reasons you mention. Plus, he had some plans for moving out-of-state that scared me. I, too, like a routine and familiarity (as I told him, I have to plan to be spontaneous). Yet, because of him, I have had some wonderful times because he did get me off my arse and into enjoying some new things. We married in 1994. Yes, we have spats, but not many. I used to sulk too much and let things eat away at me. I’ve learned not to hold things in; when I get pissed off with him, I’ll sulk for a little while, but then vent, we exchange apologies, and kiss and make up. We may talk about it later, and try to clear away misunderstandings. As for finances, hubby and I agreed we’d keep our separate checking accounts and account for our own money, but we have one household account toward which we contribute an equal share. I take care of the bills and tell him how much to put in the account. The bottom line is: you need to talk and work these things out BEFORE you get married. I’m a stay-at-home type; I enjoy reading, web surfing, some t.v. that he doesn’t like (I tape the shows I like and watch them when he’s at work). He’s more active - goes kayaking – and also likes to visit the local neighborhood bar a few times a week. I go to the bar with him occasionally, but it’s too noisy for me and hard to have conversations, so most of the time he goes by himself. I asked him if he minded if I didn’t; he said no, and did I mind if he went by himself. I told him no. He understands I like to have alone time. Remember, it won’t be 24/7 togetherness. He works. Maybe you both have different interests and hobbies. If both of you are reasonable, can compromise on some things, and talk things out, you’ll be okay.

3

38/female. alone for the better part of my adult years, single parent to my 17 year old her entire life.
Whew. Boy did I find myself plagued! I was very stable and happy alone, had a nice steady routine, and had found so much peace after a short volatile marriage around ten years ago.

When I met my SO I had no intentions, no plans, no desire to form any relationships and I fought this one. And there were a few problems at first. I was annoyed by some things after we moved in together, like how I had to cook for his tastes as well as my own, and how he was an early-to-bed, early-to-rise type and I’m nocturnal given the chance. But we’ve compromised on all these problems thus far and it’ll be three years we’ve been together in December.

I’d say a lot of it is “all you need is love” because you do tend to put up with things that would otherwise bother you, but you have to work together on some issues…the problem comes when neither side can or is willing to bend or settle.

4

Thanks for the replies. Both of you seem to know exactly what I am going through and will go through. That’s appreciated.

Yes, I assume a good relationship is going to take a lot of work and compromise- let’s hope that the past few years have taught me to communicate well and that can get you through the hard times.

We spent the day together, and my feelings for him have solidified even more and there are a lot of thoughts running through my head. Ah, dopamine and serotonin… whew, this is scary. Being single at least means being safe and in control, two things I’m definitely not feeling right now. But he is coming back over in an hour and I can hardly wait.