I know this may sound odd, and perhaps even a little morbid; but I have realized how incredibly envious I am of the Dopers who are going through crises with their SO’s, or, sadly have recently lost an SO. Weird, I know - but hear me out.
As a single woman, I often long for that “fairy tale” ending usually reserved for little girls. I just turned 37 last week, and I LONG for that kind of connection with someone. I just finished reading** faithfool’s** thread about her husband. I cried through the whole thing. The Doper who recently lost his wife - forgive me because I cannot remember the Doper’s name - the thread sent me into snot-bubbling sobs. My heart breaks for them AND for myself, but for myself in a 100% selfish way.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose someone you are totally and madly in love with. I don’t think I would be able to function. But to have even an OUNCE of the love that these Dopers have/had with their SO’s is something I am beginning to think is a rare thing, indeed. And the chances of finding it are even MORE rare. It gives me hope, but at the same time, saddens me.
I’m not even sure this post makes any sense, and I am beginning to think it is more of a stream-of-consciousness posting, but, I guess to start the conversation rolling I ask this - is it REALLY better to have loved and lost (in a tragic way) than never to have loved at all? ~cliche hat off~
Sure it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
But why do you discount your ability to find love? If you truly seek it, put yourself out there. In today’s technological world it is easier than ever for people to find one another. You just have to do something about it. You can’t sit and wait for love to appear on your doorstep.
Hm, I didn’t think I was discounting, but upon a re-read, I guess it sounds that way. I date a lot, having been single for a year now, but just haven’t found that…thing that some seem lucky enough to find. I put myself out there as much as my free time allows, I guess I was just thinking “out loud.”
I have never had that kind of relationship with a spouse, but I was very close to my sister and my mother, and when they passed on, I basically went hermit for ten years.
My friend used the word ‘crushed’ to describe how he felt when his wife passed on a month ago. I hate to think how long it will take him to recover after that…
It’s rare indeed. I look sometimes, but I don’t ever think I’ll find that kind of love either.
Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect and that sometimes people just don’t air all their dirty laundry in public, especially not if the person has passed on (most people don’t like to speak ill of the dead). I know for a fact that one of the couples you mention did have some major relationship problems a few years before the crisis occurred because the partner talked about it on here (not saying that to make anyone feel bad; like I said, it could happen in any relationship).
I stopped being jealous of other people’s relationships when I realized how different a relationship can be from the inside than the outside. A couple can look blissfully happy to the outside world yet fight behind closed doors - or in fact one partner may be secretly planning to leave and even the other partner has no idea anything’s wrong until it happens.
It’s only natural that when someone’s spouse is sick or dead that they’ll talk about the good side of that person and not dwell on the times that person was an asshole, even if the person was as much or more than an asshole than the average person is.
(yes, I think everyone is an asshole sometimes)
That’s a really good point. I try not to lionize my late husband not only because it’s false but because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to have a distorted view of him and our relationship (especially since I am in another relationship now. I can’t sit around thinking Steve was perfect and comparing my fiance to him. That way lies madness!) But when we’re grieving, it’s hard to remember both the good and the bad. That first blow of loss is all about the devastation and the heartbreak. It isn’t about the annoying things the person did, or the ways they were an asshole or the ways the relationship suffered. When Steve died, I wasn’t thinking, “Hooray, I don’t have to deal with someone with social anxiety any longer!” But in reality, hooray. I don’t have to deal with someone with social anxiety any longer. I don’t have to worry all day every day if he is going to have another heart attack. I don’t have to wonder if he’s eating right while I’m at work. I don’t have to fuss at him. I don’t have to worry so much about money.
It’s hard to face up to the ways in which someone’s death CAN be a relief, especially if they’ve been ill for a long time. It’s hard to admit, “Hey, my life is actually better now,” even when it’s true.
But I’ll say it. Hey, my life is actually better now. I loved my husband and do not regret our marriage and I miss him still. But I’ve started a new life that is even more fulfilling and less of a personal straitjacket.
OP, I hope this is useful to you. I didn’t lose the perfect man or the perfect relationship. I’m so imperfect that it would have been wasted on me anyway.
jsgoddess, you continue to amaze, inspire and humble me.
I think I can grok where the OP is coming from, even though I am partnered to a very much living person. All I know is I have a wonderful love and I am going to appreciate it while I have it because it is a certainty that it won’t last forever.
