Losing friends after divorce

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m divorced seven months (technically separated, final shortly), and I was wondering what people’s experiences are with losing friends, especially couple-friends after a divorce/separation/breakup.

My personal experience is that my wife and I weren’t terribly gregarious, but we had:
a) some couples we’d sometimes do dinner or family events with (maybe one couple a week),
b) some couples we’d see less often for things like camping trips but 1-2 times every year for a decade or more,
c) some couples we just knew and were friendly with because our kids knew their kids.
(these groups obviously intersected)

Anyway…so me and my wife separated. Amicably, no drama, we’re still as friendly as divorced strangers can be. Since then I’ve pinged several of these couples and…so far, not one ping-back in seven months.

Me - “Hi, it’s me! You know we’ve split, but I’d love to be in contact with you guys! I’d love to get together with you sometime, us and kids!” (I have my 15 yo son 50% of the time.)
Them - “Wow, sounds great! I’m cool with this!”
Me - “Cool, I’m around. Either way, let’s please stay in contact.”

Essentially: would love to see you as a couple with my son or without. Let’s please maintain contact. I’ve also proposed more specific things, “let’s have dinner next week” so there’s been some specificity, same result. This conversation happened a couple of times with some, once with others. Radio silence since. In some cases I feel like I shouldn’t contact them again: they obviously aren’t interested. I think others are just busy, so I don’t want to pester. (I also know some of them hang with my ex now, dunno if I’m just not high on their list, or not on the list at all.)

Anyway, I’ll stop with the pity party, and sorry for indulging. Anyone else been through this sort of thing with couple-friends?

Thanks for any thoughts, shared stories.

2

Been there, done that.

If no call backs or accepting of an invite, cut your losses and make new friends.

I had, yours, mine & ours. Does not always breakdown that way but with it being a non fight with you and the ex, then they were your acquaintances. They were never your friend. You don’t lose what you never had.

Eyes front and go.

3

It happens. Whether it’s picking which half of the couple to continue a relationship with or because their social life revolves around couples not singles, it happens. Major life changes tend to involve people moving in and out of your life. Divorce is a pretty major change.

4

That’s an interesting observation, one that made me think: what about if someone is widowed? Do they also tend to lose friends in the same way?

5

Yes, pretty much that. I was fond of some of them (known some for 1-2 decades), but you’re probably right. Eyes front.

6

The same thing happens in the other direction. People get married and they drift away from their single friends and start socializing with other couples. A couple has children and they drift away from their childless friends and start socializing with other families.

You were part of a couple that socialized with other couples. When you became single you no longer fit in the same way with your friends that were still couples.

7

I lost all my friends, including the ones I knew before I met my then wife. (All but two anyway)

I was so put off by the experience, I couldn’t be bothered to make new friends. My only friends now are:

My bar friends: I never call or make plans with these people. They are regulars at a neighborhood bar I frequent. If they happen to be up there when I’m up there, we’ll hang out and talk.

Two neighbor friends: Sometimes we’ll hang out on the front porch and drink beer and sometimes we’ll have cook outs, but that’s about it.

Then I have two real friends that I knew from college. These people I actually DO call and make plans with.

But yeah, after that whole divorce thing, it made me realize how fleeting friendships really are. I feel no real compulsion to make new friends. Screw that.

8

First off, my sympathies. Even in cases where it’s the best option, divorce sucks. It looks like what you’re dealing with now is one of the unfortunate side effects. My mother died some months back, and my sisters and I have done a fair bit of fretting making sure Dad’s not hiding away by himself in the house. I’ve noticed adults (men especially) of his age group seem to have trouble making friends when they get past a certain point in life, and while having a 15-year old son means you’re likely closer to my age than his, it is by no means confined to his generation (it reaches, in a lesser form, down on to mine; but, well, they don’t call me ‘Recusant’ because I refuse to attend Anglican services :)). I’

It’s entirely possible they didn’t view your shared relationship the same way you did; it’s also possible they’re very busy people who couldn’t find the time to do anything with you in the window before they forgot about your offer. It may be better to just let them go and move on, but I’d do more than a cursory ping first. It doesn’t have to be weepy and melodramatic, but a more clearly phrased request (perhaps an invitation to a specific time/place/event) might get better results.

9

(Since I apparently missed the five-minute window, I shall take up where I left off):

They may find it awkward, even after all this time, to hang around with you given the ugliness and side-choosing that often follows divorces, so there are secondary benefits to doing something that doesn’t require constant direct interaction; see a movie, go to a party together (or throw one yourself, perhaps). If they continually blow you off, or tell you they’re not interested, let them go. But sometimes forgetting is just forgetting; and sometimes “I’m too busy now” is just “I’m too busy now”. The Great American Brush-Off likely annoys me more than it does you; I’m not suggesting you make your (possibly former) friends tell you to beat it; but nag them a little bit. Give them a chance to make themselves clearer- for your son’s sake, if not your own. I don’t care how amicable the divorce was, some part of him is worried about you.

Good luck!

10

You’re talking about couples : it’s relatively common that couples aren’t interested in hanging out with single people, be they recently divorced or not.

11

Yeah, this is SOP for divorces. Generally the woman retains all of the “couple friends” because most people seem to feel like the woman needs to be coddled and “helped through it”. This is rarely extended to the man. This is amplified when there are kids and the woman retains primary custody. People are “oh so sad” that the poor woman’s family fell apart and want to try to help her and her kids. Again, this rarely extends to a man with custody for some reason.

Here is what I think it is, honestly. Men in general aren’t fans of having single men in their house with their wives. Men don’t mind having single women in their house with their wives. Wives, for whatever reason, have an easier time continuing relationships with the women of divorce. Women like to gossip and complain and “still married woman” feeds off the details and misery of “divorced woman” bitching about her ex and the things he isn’t doing. “Still married man” likes this too because it allows him to feel like "hey, I’m doing a pretty good job here. I’m not a fuck up like “divorced man”. I really think it’s a jealousy, insecurity thing with men. We just don’t like having a fertile, available, fragile male in our den. It’s dumb but I honestly think it’s true.

12

Worth noting again. Every time you close a chapter of one part of your life, you leave a lot behind. And people move in and out of your life even without major changes, although probably at a slower pace.

13

Sorry to hear you’re dealing with that. Definitely not a fun time. I went through the same about five years ago, and the advice in this thread sums it up nicely. You’ve reached out, and there’s nothing really more for you to do but move on.

Some of those folks may drift back into your life later on, but your job is to get out and make new friends during this new phase of your life. Best of luck to you.

14

I would say rather that it can be awkward. However, the OP might have better luck just trying to hang out with the husband one-on-one. I have maintained friendships that way through divorce.

15

A couple friends were getting divorced. We had each known and liked both before they were married and hoped to continue that after they separated. It became obvious within a few months that that was not going to happen. We were the “pets and children” they didn’t have - to be fought over constantly. It got to the point where we sat them both down and had to talk it over with them.

The ending I don’t know; we’re still playing it out. But we’re ready to lose both as friends before letting this game go on.

16

I was naive about people until I divorced. Prior to the divorce I had married female friends my husband had married male friends. We socialized with all. After the divorce every married girlfriend froze me out. Not only was I no longer invited to parties they also would no longer meet me for lunch or shopping. This was extremely awkward since many were my coworkers and I had been friends with them for many many years. The one single female girlfriend seemed to revel in the fact that my life was falling apart.

I was not an evil person. I did not cheat on my spouse or attempt to screw him in the divorce. My only fault was no longer wanting to be married to him.

I learned a valuable lesson; these women were never really my friends.

I transferred to another job in the same company for better pay, made new friends and moved on.