Love 2.0

In My Humble Opinion
1

Most of us, if we’ve been fortunate and around long enough, have been in deeply commited and loving relationships. Some were early and/or in preparation for “the one”. Others were “the one” until things went terribly wrong and ended in tears.

It is the latter, or in connection to the latter, that I’m wondering about.

If you’ve been fortunate enough to be deeply in love and despite it ending badly can admit that it was on balance mostly good, how did you feel about subsequent love affairs and long term relationships?

Did they have the same passion as Love 1.0?

Did you woo and win your new partner in the same/similar fasion as before?

Did you feel the same head in the clouds passion and energy?
I’ll start.

After 15 years with Love 1.0, things tanked and the aftershock effects are still being felt. At this point, it’s a matter of deminishing hostilities and moving past old habbits - good and bad. at this point, Love 1.0 is more like I-don’t-even-like-you 1.0.

Recently, enter Love 2.0. She’s great. Very much unlike the previous version with a host of welcome new features I never expected in one package. I’m working on upgrading a few minor bugs, but that’s just me… I’m very picky and like to tinker with things. Not in a nit-pick sort of way, mind you. I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

But… there is always a but… Love 2.0 doesn’t make me feel like I’ve lost my head. I don’t have the urge to quote, let alone write (bad) poetry. I don’t have the desire to burn music compilation CD’s that remind me of her in some romantic fashion. I don’t sense the same pangs of jealousy when a guy pays a little too much attention to her at a party we’re attending.

In away, I guess this has all the makings of a more mature and common interests/values based relationship. On the other hand, I’m kind of puzzled at the absence of the walking on clouds sensation that seemed to saturate the previous Love X.0’s.

Recount your experiences. Offer your comments. Share your thoughts.

2

OH COME ON!!!

I know I’m not the only pathetic jaded bastard on this board!

Don’t make me point my finger… you all know who you are!

3

My relationships tend to not last very long, but I think I’ve experienced what you call “Love 1.0”. It was with my girlfriend in college about two years, and it was just like you said, with the poetry and the pain and all that amazing passion. I’ve never felt more alive. Since then, I’ve gotten flashes of that feeling again, mostly from doomed, short-term non-relationships, but nothing sustainable.

I don’t know what this “Love 2.0” business is. Is it like having a best friend?

4

Dunno. I’ll let you know when I figure it out myself.

I do know that I don’t feel like I’ve got to walk around on egg shells any more. Perhaps it’s a case of a flame burning half as bright for twice as long.

5

I’ve not had a Love 1.0 yet (though it might be in progress), but it sounds to me not so much like you’re not “as in love” with 2.0 but rather that you’ve grown up. Bad poetry, mix CDs (or tapes, for those of us who remember), irrational jealousy – all signs of relative immaturity, IMHO (which is where we are, right? ok, just checking). As you say, 2.0 sounds like a more mature relationship. Not having to walk on egg shells is a good thing; it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s less passion, though.

I’m working on a possible Love 1.0 with a guy for whom I would be Love 2.0. It’s a little weird/intimidating to think of it in those terms, but, while he hasn’t talked about his feelings for me in terms of how he felt when he was falling for his ex (which is fine by me, at least at this point!), I know without a doubt that he has some “on cloud 9” feelings for me.

That said, I’m interested in how other Dopers (especially straight men) who have moved on to Love 2.0 will reply to your query… :slight_smile:

6

Ok, I don’t know if I’d call wife#1 1.0 or not, since from age 12 on I was seldom without a girlfriend, even if some of them only lasted two or three weeks.

But if we call wife #1 1.0, then the following that you wrote in the OP is exactly what I experienced.

Except that I’m way farther along with it than you are. My only reservation about marrying 2.0 was that I didn’t have that giddy feeling, etc.

We’ve been married a little over 19 years now, and she’s made them the best 19 years of my life. :smiley: YMMV, and Good Luck!

7

Quick Silver, first of all…you’ll never feel those same highs you felt with your first love, IMHO. The first cut IS the deepest, for the better and the worst.

Second, when you say you have to “tweak things” about your SO…you’re not really in love, IMHO. What you’re calling Love 2.0 doesn’t sound like love to me. Sounds like you’re not being honest with yourself, and you’re realy just biding your time - feeling a need to be in a relationship, but still shopping around for something better. - Jinx

8

Certainly there are lot of first time experiences with 1.0 that will be first time forever, but a love relationship has so many different aspects that there are enough of them to allow you to experience other things for the first time, or simply much better, with someone else. I’ve had a few experiences that outdid the first, and two loves that far outdid the first. I don’t really like counting versions, but my last, even though it’s not without certain complexities, far outdoes all of them. Just by reading on this board you’ll notice that there are many who have experienced bigger things after 1.0.

I’ve found that two things are crucial. You have to be open to new things, and you have keep your heart as open as the first time. Many people make the mistake, imho, to let the pain of their previous relationship inhibit the pleasure of the next. They’re afraid to give themselves fully, because they’re afraid of experiencing that pain again. Also, they become more aware of the fact that relationships are finite, so they are more aware of the possibility of the likeliness of experiencing that pain again. I’ve personally found it easier to accept the pain by understanding that by allowing myself to feel it, I will be able to be that happy again later on. And so far, I’ve found no reason to revise this theory.

Also, your relationships don’t all have to be earth shattering. Here I disagree a bit with jinx. Sure perhaps you’re not as affected by this relationship as the previous one, partly because a lot of the new things you had in that relationship return in this one and so don’t make as much impact. But as long as this does not negatively affect the both of you, it can and will still be good. At worst, it will help you recognise and appreciate the new rare instance when it does get earth-shattering again.

When you need to end such relationships, I feel, is when you personally really don’t believe in them anymore - for instance when the other is so much more in love than you that allowing her to get more attached would only lead to more pain later on; or when she is too dependent on you without you being dependent on her; or when you simply don’t love her anymore at all (you can see how these are all related and overlap). Sometimes also you may find in yourself a need for experiencing something new - the relationship you have doesn’t challenge you enough, it comforts you into complacency which leaves you with a certain unpleasant unrest. Another sign that it could either be time to move on, or find something to help you both move on in the relationship.

At the same time, some things will grow over time, and some things will grow deeper. This may come gradually and surprise you, but if you allow yourself to be open to it (for instance by being intimate, sharing each others thoughts) you can reach something at a higher level.

Where jinx is right, is that you have to listen to yourself and be honest to yourself. It could be time to move on. It doesn’t have to be. You decide, and hopefully I’ve been able to help a little in making that decision.

9

Misnomer wrote:

I bet. My best wishes to you both for a happy ever after. :slight_smile:

You and me both. :slight_smile:

**John Carter ** wrote:

We’re on the same page. Granted, I didn’t get started as early as you, but there were a few practice runs before Love 1.0 (Wife #1). The brief, unsatifying, unsettling, I’ll-show-you-two-can-play-that-game, transitional immediately following Love 1.0 breakup. Now, after some time, feeling more settled and centered… what appears to be Love 2.0. Quite unexpected, really. But I count myself fortunate.

The lack of giddiness is what unsettles me a bit. But that could be, as you (and others) say - normal for this port of call.

**Jinx ** wrote:

You may be right but it’s what I do. Without going into many details, I’m a bit of a clothes horse and tend to like to nurture that sense of personal style in people I have serious relationships with. I know it may sound immature to some people who don’t care about that kind of stuff but it’s important to me on some level. A personal sense of style (clothes, home, car, grooming) that matches mine is something I look for IN ADDITION to the obvious and more important things like character, personality, sense of humour, kicking bod :smiley: …etc…
Arwin wrote:
…well… a lot… :slight_smile:

Good observations and I’m very consious of all the points you’ve made. All the points everyone has made, really. I suppose that is the reason for my current process of introspection. There is little doubt in my mind that what I feel for Love 2.0 is the real thing. It just doesn’t feel like the previous genuine thing and I’m questioning whether that’s a fair expectation. Sounds to me like there is no real reason to expect that.
In the meantime, while Love 2.0 is on a family reunion cruise, I’m off to paint her bedroom a warm Tuscan Red for a Valentines day surprise. I know she’ll love it. That, a few new candles, some lingerie, a card and flowers… and me. Now I ask you… if that’s not love, I don’t know what is! :smiley:

10

<self serving BUMP>
There it is!

11

I know YEP 1.0 is not currently compatible with Love 2.0, but I’ve ordered the software upgrade.

12

Maybe I should go ahead and order some hardware upgrade, say 7.0. heehee
O.K. I’m sorry it’s late. good night.

13

Ok, you got me. I’m another jaded bastard. even Cynical, one might say.

14

It seems to me that the difference between “Love 1.0” and “Love 2.0” or in my case, Love 3.0, 4.0, 5.0… I’m old OK!!!.. is maturity and experience “getting in the way” of feeling all that dreamy shit. Yes, the first time I fell in love I was in the clouds, writing poetry, dreaming of the wedding, thinking of him every minute, etc. etc. Then - the dump (after 3 years) - he had found someone else.

I just don’t think, that after that point, I allowed myself to even feel those feelings in order to not feel like such an ass should the letdown come later like during Love 1.0. Plus as an adolescent, (1.0 happened when I was ages 18-21) one’s feelings are so much more heady and seem stronger because they are new. I’m not sure that Love 1.0’s sequels are much different, except for one’s perspective.

15

I’m starting to come around to this perspective as well. And I’m okay with that. :slight_smile:

16

Give it a little time mate. A little time… :slight_smile: