[QUOTE=stolichnaya]
I am really enamoured of the apparent popularity of the Turkey/Foot Love Metaphor.
[/QUOTE]
As metaphors for this kind of thing go, it is pretty apt.
Turkey of Love. I think I may change my user name… 
[QUOTE=Jodi]
But the bitter bottom line is that just because you are open to the experience doesn’t mean you are entitled to it. Just because if love happens, it will “just happen,” doesn’t mean it will happen at all. I’m not saying that to bring you down, but it’s the truth. I do believe in True Love, but I don’t know if all of us get to experience it. Heck, if there’s a Mr. Right out there for me, he’s hiding. So I try to live as a happy single person, open to the opportunity of love if it comes along, but not eating my heart out wondering if it will. Because it may not.
[/QUOTE]
Word. All you can do is make yourself the best person you can be, live your life, and be open to the oppurtunity.
[QUOTE=hotflungwok]
But for every ‘I went to a party and wasn’t looking and found this girl and married her’ story, I can find 100 ‘I went to a party and wasnt looking and didn’t get squat’ stories. Sure it might happen, just like I might win the lottery or might be given a magic sword by some watery tart, but it’s not a big might.
[/QUOTE]
Exactly! All I can think of is my poor aunt, who got divorced at a young age. Smart, good-looking woman with a sparkling personality. She used to go bar cruising with my sister. She’s now in her late 60s, and still alone. And whatever looks she had are pretty much faded. I hate to think about it, but I’m sure the poor woman will die alone. Very sad. 
**Jodi, **I get what you’re saying. You can’t manufacture feelings. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about just meeting people. Of course, to some, that comes very easy. A hot coed who finds herself at a frat party (and she will) will have little trouble meeting people. To her, there’s not a question of how to meet people, it’s just a matter of letting chemistry take over. But for many of us, just getting out of the house is a struggle. I don’t go to church, I work out at home, and my friends aren’t the kind who throw parties. Not exactly “just happens” environments that I find myself in.
I have, however, been spending time in public places drawing or painting. I figured that might be a good way to strike up conversations with strangers. And to a small extent, it’s worked. Allowance or social security, all over again. No turkeys, just Spongebob Squarepants and walkers.
[QUOTE=tdn]
Exactly! All I can think of is my poor aunt, who got divorced at a young age. Smart, good-looking woman with a sparkling personality. She used to go bar cruising with my sister. She’s now in her late 60s, and still alone. And whatever looks she had are pretty much faded. I hate to think about it, but I’m sure the poor woman will die alone. Very sad.
[/QUOTE]
But this is a wrong attitude, too. Why is it sad to die alone? I have an aunt and the SO has an aunt who are both alone; they are pretty happy. It’s not terrible to be alone, we’re just told it is!
True enough. But I think my aunt really would like someone in her life.
I think part of the reason for people repeating that little canard is for two pretty good reasons:
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Desperation is never attractive; and
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If you do the things you enjoy and you meet someone through it, you’ll be able to make a better connection because you already have something in common.
However, if you listen to me, you’ll be taking advice from the person who eschewed dating and just married her best friend.
I agree, by the way. It’s hard to meet romantic prospects, straight up, in public, with no introduction. It is generally considered damn hard to get a number from a waitress, for example. So if you can do that, more power to you. There is no comfort level. But it’s easy to have a frendly conversation with the counter lady at the diner, who is a nice-looking 60, because neither of you feels like there might be an expectation of smoochin’.
So you need to find ways to create a comfortable context in which to interact. A way to build implicit trust. A situation in which your interaction is based on something entirely other than, 1) can I be clever enough to impress your panties off, and 2) do you, young lady, wish to make the considerable leap of faith required to banter with an absolute stranger.
If you like to draw, try to take a drawing class that will challenge you. Or break the mold a bit while following the art route, take a screenprinting class or volunteer to docent at a local museum. That sort of thing. Once the context is other than, “I am picking you up and you are being picked up”, there is much up-picking that happens.
It’s no accident that in any given hobbyist or student group, everyone is fucking each other.
Mmmm…stolichnaya.
I’m sorry, was that a hijack?
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
Mmmm…stolichnaya.
I’m sorry, was that a hijack?
[/QUOTE]
Drinking! That’s how we can meet people!
[QUOTE=Telperien]
Drinking! That’s how we can meet people!
[/QUOTE]
Sure, getting piss-drunk is always a good way to meet someone new.
Dry sarcasm really doesn’t come through well in print. 
[QUOTE=tdn]
Let’s get something straight here. Over the past 6 months, I have been living my life and I’ve been generally happy. Except for little pockets of moods, I’m pretty sure I’m not telegraphing desperation.
[/QUOTE]
I saw the title of this thread in the Pit and saw you had again written a thread about your relationship woes. With a sign, a came in and read what is going on this time (and I’m not complaining about reading the thread, obviously I don’t mind that otherwise I wouldn’t be here).
Here’s the thing: I’m a stranger on the internet that you barely encounter- I hardly even notice posters’ names when I read through posts and yet you’ve definitely given me that incredibly desperate vibe. So if I’m getting that- someone who barely encounters you- who’s to say those that actually interact with you in life don’t?
I don’t mean the above as snarky at all, I promise (though I’m sure it could be seen that way, hence my saying this).
Also, in six months you’ve asked two women out? Ask more out. You can’t complain if you don’t try.
And while love doesn’t just happen like the Big Bang, you can’t be overly concerned. Believe it or not, there is a balance between being overly concerned with hitting on as many ladies as possible and locking yourself in your house.
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
Mmmm…stolichnaya.
I’m sorry, was that a hijack?
[/QUOTE]
I guess it depends on the context. 
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
But this is a wrong attitude, too. Why is it sad to die alone? I have an aunt and the SO has an aunt who are both alone; they are pretty happy. It’s not terrible to be alone, we’re just told it is!
[/QUOTE]
Exactly! Thus that other stupid little canard that gets tossed around: “You have to be happy living with yourself before you can expect someone else to be happy living with you.”
I think that the first hard step is losing the desperation, but the second is to reach the point where you can honestly say, “Even if I never meet My One True Love, I’m pretty much okay with my life.”
[QUOTE=tdn]
Reread the OP, especially the part about a) Being an attractive woman, b) Having guys hit on you, and c) Getting invited to parties.
[/QUOTE]
It might comfort you to know I am neither particularly attractive or often hit on, and I despise parties. But it happened for me. Love blindsides ordinary people too.
[QUOTE=tdn]
But for many of us, just getting out of the house is a struggle. I don’t go to church, I work out at home, and my friends aren’t the kind who throw parties. Not exactly “just happens” environments that I find myself in.
[/QUOTE]
I’m going to try an analogy and see if it makes sense:
Some women struggle to get pregnant. They go to doctors and have treatments and many of the treatments are horrible and painful and time-consuming and humiliating and expensive, and still they struggle. And sometimes, when they stop wanting so desperately to get pregnant, perhaps when they adopt, their bodies finally go along with the original plan and become pregnant. The pregnancy finally “just happens.”
Still, they don’t get pregnant in a vacuum without anyone else involved, no matter how relaxed they are.
To have a relationship you do have to meet certain necessary conditions. You can’t create other people out of thin air, just like you can’t get pregnant by yourself.
You do have to meet people. There’s no getting around that. The “love just happens” idea is that you can’t plan it, you can’t force it, you can’t choose it, you can’t ever simply snap your fingers and make it so. You have to be relaxed. You have to be lucky, and available. The timing has to be right. The conditions have to be met. It’s risky. You could be badly hurt. The result might not be quite what you wanted. You could have a really really ugly baby. 
Okay, I’m done comparing a relationship to a pregnancy now. Next time, I’ll compare it to Italy. See, there’s this boot…
[QUOTE=jsgoddess]
I’m going to try an analogy and see if it makes sense:
Some women struggle to get pregnant. They go to doctors and have treatments and many of the treatments are horrible and painful and time-consuming and humiliating and expensive, and still they struggle. And sometimes, when they stop wanting so desperately to get pregnant, perhaps when they adopt, their bodies finally go along with the original plan and become pregnant. The pregnancy finally “just happens.”
Still, they don’t get pregnant in a vacuum without anyone else involved, no matter how relaxed they are.
[/QUOTE]
If you’re going to use this analogy, you must also add “and sometimes those women still don’t get pregnant, and never get pregnant”.
tdn, I already believe that you are working hard enough on YOURSELF, and that in itself is what will make you more attractive to women. Keep losing/maintaining your weight and exercise. Keep going to the places you like to frequent that will have women there with the same interests. Little things like standing up straight, exude confidence (but not to the point of being cocky), be thoughtful and well spoken are the magnets that attract attention to yourself in positive ways to such a point that your are fishing for interest without outwardly showing that you actually are fishing. Keep that “desperation demon” locked up in a closet somewhere and out of your “verbal and body language closet”.
Both you and I have lost a significant amount of weight (as we follow each others posts on Khadaji’s Weight Loss Thread), and we both feel pretty good about ourselves and wear more clothes that are form fitting than the loose garb that we hid our bodies underneath. Your outward appearance is improving to the point of becoming attractive to women who are looking…trust me…some will be bold enough to approach you to see what you got on the “inside”. Be ready for that moment, or twelve.
I can never stress this enough that I learned from a marriage counselor…“Be the type of person that YOU would like spend time with.” Also, let me add mine…“Make positive changes in yourself and you will attract those who are positve or it will positively change those who are already around you.”
Worked for me. I think you are heading in the same direction too.
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
If you’re going to use this analogy, you must also add “and sometimes those women still don’t get pregnant, and never get pregnant”.
[/QUOTE]
I already said “And sometimes, when they stop wanting so desperately to get pregnant…”
[QUOTE=jsgoddess]
Okay, I’m done comparing a relationship to a pregnancy now. Next time, I’ll compare it to Italy. See, there’s this boot…
[/QUOTE]
And right nearby, there’s a Turkey of Love!