Maybe ‘sad’ isn’t quite the right word. But think of all the experiences that you can only have with someone you’re in love with, the rewards, the challenges, the millions of years of evolution that have wired us to look for someone special; now take that away. It’s frustrating to go through that; it’s sad to see it happen to someone who deserves better.
What sort of thing would you consider sad?
Huh? You said:
And I meant that the women who are trying to get pregnant, and stop trying to get pregnant, sometimes just don’t get pregnant, ever. You seemed to be implying that if he would only stop wanting a relationship it would happen, but sometimes, even when you stop wanting one, it still doesn’t happen, is what I’m saying.
ETA: Sad would be: A person who is a perfectly fine person who just didn’t have the right cirumstances or whatever to find a mate, and dies in sadness because they think they weren’t worthwhile enough to find one somehow.
Or a person who finds a mate and is unhappy but thinks they should be happy because after all, they have a mate, and what more is needed.
How do you know I was being sarcastic, darling?
hiccup
Well, I’m not going to say it’s impossible, but usually it’s best to have something to brace against.
Nope, I was. 
Okay, this bothers me, because barring some beaning from left field of the Turkey of Love, it’s looking like I will someday be “in my late 60s, and still alone.” But I think life is what you make of it, and I hope to die – at 101, in my sleep – having lived a full and rich life and contributing in some meaningful way to the world. I will have written, traveled extensively, learned foreign languages, read every book of interest to me, heaped attention on my nieces and nephews (and grand-nieces and nephews), lived in interesting places, met interesting people. So unless your aunt herself considers herself a “poor woman,” she doesn’t necessarily deserve your pity. And if she does consider herself a “poor woman,” then she deserves your pity not for being over 35 and alone, but for eating her heart out over what she doesn’t have at the expense of everything she does have.
Then change your environs. I don’t mean to sound glib, like I think this process is easy – I know it isn’t. But I’m not sure why “getting out of the house” is a struggle. Whatever you like to do, find other people to do it with. Join a club, volunteer someplace. You can’t make love happen, but you know it ain’t gonna happen in your house.
I guess striking up conversations with strangers isn’t exactly what I had in mind. Could you take an art class? Volunteer at a museum? Help out with art in elementary schools? People are more open to meeting other people when they have something in common, a common interest or common purpose. Speaking only for myself, I am not impressed by strange men who approach me in public. The best that can be said for them is they are nice but desperate.
I know a guy - lets call him Fred.
Fred is a Star Trek Fan. He is overweight. His hygene is “spotty.” He talks nearly completely in Monty Python quotes, Star Trek quotes or bad puns - loudly. Fred is a sweet man, but - God Amighty - if there was ever a man who lives up to the loser who lives in his mother’s basement and is fated to die a virgin stereotype, its Fred.
When I first met Fred he was single. But he very shortly started dating a woman. And they married. She was a nice woman - perhaps not the most beautiful creature on the planet, but certainly not revolting. She talked in Star Trek quotes.
Sadly, after several years of marriage, she died. And I felt sorry for Fred - because no guy like Fred was going to get lucky twice. And because, while I do find Fred incredibly annoying, I recognize that he is a good hearted sort of guy.
And Fred showed up out of the blue at a party with his new wife five years later - she was cute in the “short, slightly overweight, big breasted fangirl” sort of way. She adores Fred (who is probably fifteen years older than her). And Fred adores her. She doesn’t find him incredibly annoying.
None of these people were good looking college co-eds - certainly Fred wasn’t. And I’m sure Fred got turned down by many women in his quest to find someone.
Spontaneous pregnancy after adoption for infertility only happens about 8% of the time. I HOPE people’s chances of finding love are better.
Oh, I don’t know. I can up and move whenever the hell I want, wherever the hell I want, because I don’t have an SO. I vacation when and where I want, decorate my house how I like, eat what I want, and I make no compromises or concessions for the daily habits or wants of anyone else. We may be wired by millions of years of evolution to look for someone special, but there’s nothing in evolution that tells us we have to lay down and die if we never find that person. So if people think it’s “sad” that I’m alone because they think I “deserve better,” I hope they will have the grace to keep those feelings to themselves. Just because I don’t have the life they think I should want, that does not give them the right to pity the rich single life I do have.
Yeah. I already used the word “sometimes.” The word “sometimes” means “not all the time.”
That’s what the word means. I doesn’t require an “and sometimes not.”
I was out of the romance loop for a while after college. I, too was bleakly moody and irritable.
I just started joining clubs where I might meet someone who shared an interest of mine. I joined writing workshops, volleyball leagues, co-ed softball leagues, co-ed soccer leagues (geez…getting on a theme here, huh?), and lastly, a tennis league.
I met my wife at that tennis league. The fact that she was there made sure she fit a few of my “wants” w/r/t a long-term relationship (tennis, in shape, tennis).
In effect, I stacked the odds.
Having said all of that, I’m expecting a “stuff it, Cem” reaction, as that’s what I would have done when I was gloomy.
Aanamika…I think most guys over-complain about the wives as a humor-thing…it’s probably nothing personal.
-Cem
Thanks, Yeticus Rex. I am working to improve myself and right now I’m so damned terrific that I can barely stand myself.
But while I’m sure that having a better physique will help me, I’m sure it’s not the only thing.
One of my guilty pleasures lately is a show called The Pickup Artist. In short, it’s a reality show where lonely losers try to turn into smooth talkers. They do stuff, yada yada yada, someone gets voted off. It’s compelling to me to see how the guys change week to week, and how their approaches change.
Last week they were thrown into a pool party with a bunch of bikini-clad babes. The guys were not allowed to wear anything but Speedos. What’s interesting is that the guy with the chiselled bod was completely uncomfortable, and basically sat in a corner by himself the whole time. The guy who is maybe 5’9" and 280 pounds pretty much owned the hot tub. The girls were all over him.
Just goes to show you how much attitude counts for.
Ok. I just felt it needed to be clearer. That’s just my reading comprehension, or lack thereof.
Places TDN could possibly meet Ms. Right:
Film festivals
Art classes
Art galleries
Art museums
Small jazz clubs
Singles clubs
Cooking classes
Book clubs
Photography clubs
The gym (yes, it really can happen at the gym without being creepy)
That’s just what I could think up in a few minutes. There are tons of places to meet people. You just have to be not-too-pushy and take time to look for signals.
It’s very rare for it to “just happen”, it does take some effort, marketing, and bracing yourself against disappointment. And sometimes it does take a long fucking time. And sometimes when you find it, it’s not perfect, but pretty damned good, which IMO is good enough.
When most people say “don’t worry it will just happen”, they don’t mean that the nookie fairy is going to magically drop something on you… they just mean don’t give up. Because there really is someone for everyone, in fact there are probably 10 or more people out there for you. The difficult part is finding them in the right place at the right time in the right mood, and having found them, not spooking them with pessimism. Don’t ever think it is magic or easy, but don’t ever give up believing that it’s out there. And when you find someone, you’ll forget how miserable and difficult it was trying to find them, as is human nature, and you’ll tell somebody else the same chipper advice.
Sure, but some of those people wouldn’t have needed the relationship equivalent to fertility treatments and adoption in the first place.
None of us can say, “Do X and you’ll find someone to love.” We can say, “If you don’t do Y you probably won’t.”
Can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket? Can’t die in a ball of fire reentering the Earth’s atmosphere if you never leave the atmosphere to begin with? No pain no gain? No risk no reward? So many comparisons, so little time.
I know where tdn is coming from. The problem is mainly one of availability IMO.
I am not very attractive (not ugly but most likely on the lower half of a ten point scale.) Mostly this was true due to me being short (5’7"). If you don’t think that isn’t ‘short’ you are wrong. It’s not short enough to near completely nix you from the marriage market - but it really hampers your available pool - I once estimated at least an 80% reduction - if you wish to argue start a thread and I’ll participate)
I was like tdn until my late 20’s…when I met a good lookin girl, liked her and married her. It ended up being the wrong person…so I was looking again 10 years later.
At that time, I pulled out all the stops and decided to have fun. If I found someone to marry…great…but I wanted action…to get laid etc…though I wanted a serious relationship and not hook-ups.
I did a multi-pronged approach. Nightlife, asking for phone numbers of women who looked like they might be interested (like in grocery stores etc), volunteer and hobby activities…and (to my surprise…dating sites.
Back to availability. Just taking into account dating sites, I went throw ONE THOUSAND women who were looking, wanting someone bad enough to go on a dating site and around my age etc.
Most of those rejected me offhand (guesstimate 600), many I rejected as too unattractive (guesstimate 350). Of the ones I did communicate with/met either I rejected or they rejected (though weirdly enough I think I rejected more than was for these) leaving TWO people I hooked up with. I had other partial successes and a couple successes the other ways but don’t have a total on how many that was. The dating site kept track…and it was a little over 1000.
Now…take tdn…if he is similar…how long will it take to get to 500 so that he has a possibility of one? When there are so many variables beyond your control you need supply.
Group hug! 
What you said earlier about it not being sad to die alone: I think that’s a tough sell. Oh, I can believe it in theory, but really deep down believing it? That’s hard.
All good points, and all true. But when you’ve seen a great movie and want to talk about it, where do you go. When you’ve travelled to all the places you want to, who suggests something that you wouldn’t have thought of on your own?
I’ve done some fascinating things because I had the freedom to do them, no question. Being with someone limits that, but isn’t it supposed to give back more than it takes, for both parties involved? And it’s one thing to have the chance at that, to consider it, and opt out; it’s another to look for it and not find it.
But it’s sold to us so much the other way, is the problem. I’ve oft complained about this; the expected path in our world is
Grow up
Go to school for however long
Get a job
Get married
Buy a house (or make your place in the world, whatever it is)
Have children
Grow old
And if anyone doesn’t step to that particular drummer, they are talked out, ostracized somewhat, and often chastized. Because we as humans can’t live and let live.
And sure, I’ll take a group hug.