Oh, and just a tip… it’s a shame I’m not single anymore, because I think I may have stumbled upon the Fountain of Hot Chicks… I’m taking a foreign language class at the local independent foreign language school (neither a college nor a big chain), and the place is overflowing with women of all ages and types, both students and instructors. A mere $300 enrollment fee gets you an 8-week hunting license… err… language course. And this is also an easy way to expand your social network, which is undeniably the most important weapon in the dating arsenal. AND it gives you an easy conversational “in” with people who have similar interests. I just wish I’d figured this out when I was single. PS - Word to the wise, Japanese is always a total sausage-fest, but Portuguese is muito bom.
Like Jodi, chance are I will be alone forever too, and it’s not sad. In fact, emotional intimacy isn’t something I enjoy and frankly I’d always be afraid of losing the other person. It’s much better for me to be independent, do what I want, and not get all tangled up with another person.
But I also see the other side for a friend of mine who very much wants to be committed to someone and have children. She is an incredible person who is very engaged in relating to other people, who meets people all the time. When I look around at all the other people who have found partners, it’s hard to believe no one has fallen for her. 
And it would be sad for her not to achieve her dream.
And Rumpole was referring to the sorceress in H Rider Haggard’s She. A ripping yarn he must have read as a boy.
I read it as a girl & liked it a lot.
(Yes, I know a lot of obscure trivia. Love? Haven’t a clue.)
I sympathize with the OP, although people have made some good points.
The reason why I find the “it’ll just happen” line frustrating is because although it’s intended to give a singleton hope it often does the opposite. Maybe it’s the control freak in me, but I like to feel like I have the power to get what I want. Waiting around until the cosmic forces decide that it’s my time doesn’t appeal to my nature. So when someone says “it’ll just happen”, it sounds to my ear like they are really saying, “you might as well resign yourself to being alone because there ain’t nothing you can do to help yourself.”
Of course that’s not what they mean, though.
But on the other hand, the opposite alternative is a lot worse. Would you rather hear people list all the things you’re doing wrong or giving unsolicited advice about how you be seeking people? I know I wouldn’t.
You won’t get any argument from me about that.
I come from a strange place in the whole discussion. I… well… I will almost certainly die alone. I’m married, and happily. I have what people think they want, and chances are good I’ll still die alone. Female, 10 years younger than my husband who’s disabled and in lousy health.
There are definitely times when I would trade the pain for a nice, uninvolved single life. Y’know?
Robot Arm, just as I believe that some people are happier to go through life sans children (like me!) I also believe that some are happier going through life alone, only they don’t always realize it because it’s been sold so heavily.
Rape victims are made to feel guilty about enjoying it because they’ve been told they should never enjoy rape.
Rape victims are made to feel guilty about getting over it easily because they’ve been told it will ruin your life.
Women who have had abortions are made to feel guilty about getting over it easily because they’ve been told it’s incredibly traumatic and you’ll never forget.
Childless people are made to feel miserable about not having children, even though they are not sure if they want them or not, because not having children is perceived as a failure.
Thus it is that single people are are made to feel bad for being single, even though they enjoy it, because everyone extolls the virtues of being in a relationship, and if you’re not in one, you’re weird. I think that being alone is a hard sell, yes, but it wouldn’t be so much if it wasn’t given such special status in our communities. I absolutely think people need to get married and have children to further the human race, btw. I just don’t think that the percentage of those who don’t should be punished.
jsgoddes, you have mentioned that before, and I feel for you. Not because of you dying alone, necessarily, but yes, because of the pain. My sympathies as always.
You just said that during those shows you were involved with someone. So apparently you did find something at some point. You can’t even keep your own story straight.
Screw this pickup artist nonsense. Join a co-ed slo-pitch league.
complete hijack -
Its an offensive statement to adoptive parents. You didn’t mean it that way, but it is. Its an offensive statement to infertile people. It may just be an analogy you don’t want to use (or maybe you do, but now you know if you didn’t before). To infertile people, it places blame on their infertility on themselves - to adoptive parents it implies that their children were adopted so they’d get pregnant. People who just give up and remain childess have the same rate of spontaneous conception as people who adopt.
Oh dear. My intent in starting this thread was not to have it be about me. Oh well, too late now, I guess.
All good suggestions, though I’d only do about half of them. But thanks!
As to the bolded bit, that’s part of the problem. How does one look for signals without coming off as too interested? What, by the way, are the signals? See, that’s 90% of the problem. I’ve never learned the necessary social skills. I’m 45 years old, and I never learned the stuff that every 16-year-old knows.
I can go to a museum. That’s easy. I can spot a woman who is attractive. That’s easy. Walking up to her to say hello without looking like I’m walking up to her to say hello? That’s much harder. Closing with a phone number? Totally alien terrain to me. Not a fucking clue how to get there.
I really need to enroll in Social Techniques 101.
Please explain. What is an offensive statement to adoptive parents?
Since I never said that people adopt so they get pregnant, nor did I say that people who adopt get pregnant more often, nor did I say that people are to blame for their infertility, I’m confused as to what you’re saying I said. (Not denying I’m being offensive, just ignorant of what precisely I said that is.)
I read a thing once a few years back. They asked married people if they had it to do over again, would they have married. A HUGE percentage said no. As others have said, there are lots of compromises to be made; not all of them fun. I don’t think coupling is necessary for a happy life. I find it sad when people who want it don’t achieve it, but I don’t think singlehood is an indication of a “sad” life. It is one aspect of your entire existence. You can be successful and fulfilled and happy even if this one piece is missing.
Bingo. Work on the WHOLE package, not just the wrapping and bow, but the contents inside the package. But you already knew that. 
tdn I don’t know if there’s something similar where you live, but here there are singles groups that go on “adventures.” Hikes, bike rides, wine tasting, train rides, river cruises, you name it and they do it. The only requirements for joining the club are that you be single and “of a certain age.” A group that’s comprised mostly of twentysomethings are not as appreciative of fiftysomethings joining their group as they perhaps should be…
At any rate, it is an ironclad GUARANTEE that EVERY WOMAN in these groups is single and probably looking. Now granted, they might not necessarily be looking for YOU, but they do know you’re single and looking and everyone has friends. Everyone involved is meeting other people in environments which encourage natural conversation and camaraderie. Even if you don’t find “the” girl, you’ve met some people you didn’t know before, all of whom are in the same boat as you and every one of them has friends, coworkers, sisters, aunts, cousins, exes, or perhaps mothers (?!) who might be just the perfect chick for you, and karma favors the generous. If nothing else, a good time is usually had by all.
Shoot, even in the local weekly free newspaper there’s a constant ad for an over 40 movie group and one for the polyamourous/polycurious. If you’re going to a movie, go with a group and have a drink afterward as you rip the thing to shreds–same activity, but with a whole new dimension of sociability added. As for the polyamourous group–hey, it might not be your cup of tea but it IS different, and sometimes different is enough! Besides, since it’s not a 1:1 ratio in a group like that the odds improve… 
Get outside your comfort zone–I used to go to BDSM parties and I had a blast, meeting people I’d otherwise have never known. I’ve gone to drag shows, drag races, save the whales meetings, Goth shows, and hemp growers get togethers. I find that shaking things up socially opens up one’s mind to possibe eligibles that otherwise would be discounted out of hand.
Your posts in this thread sound really fixated on the negative, and if that’s spilling over into your everyday life you aren’t really open to possibilities and might even be preemptively squashing possible interest, I’m just sayin’…
Maybe I will take that beginner Japanese course…
To think all this time I’ve been using the wrong ammo in this hunt.
:::grabs 10-lb frozen turkey out of the freezer:::
OK, I’m ready! Stick out your foot!
Well, for instance…If I were in a museum with the hopes of meeting someone, I would try to get into a ‘group tour’ thing with a guide and other people around rather than walking up to a lone woman (who might find that a bit scary). The group tour gives you something in common, something to talk about, laugh about, whatever. You can stand near her and share observations between paintings.
The Art Institute of Chicago used to (and probably still does) have a Friday night singles thing with drinks and art all in one shot. If I were a single person, I’d be there! There may be something similar where you are.
Way to ruin my fun, lady.
I’m actually not doing too badly meeting some fun, interesting, MARRIED, people. Sigh. Maybe they know someone single.
It also tells me that they polled a lot of couples who took their marriages for granted, the ones who did not put the same effort into their relationships after they got married, and just assumed having the title “married” was enough to live together happily. Also, the question in the poll should have been a two-parter to weed out the ones with personality conflicts from the ones who realized the marriage is a huge conglomeration of compromises. I’m sure there are some people who would prefer to remain single in pursuit of their dreams, unhindered and uncompromised:
Q1. If you had to do it all over again, would you have married your current spouse? (Out of resentment of current spouse)
Q2. If you had to do it all over again, would you have married anyone, or stayed single? (Out of resentment of married life as a whole)
What worked for me…
{See someone who you’d like to go out with at XXXX…}
Catch her eye and smile. What does she do? Smiles back? Go to next step. Is dismissal? Doesn’t even respond/ignores you? Walk away.
Start talking to her. If in grocery store, ask her a question about what you are near…the topic is irrelevant :). Does she engage in conversation? DOes she make eye contact? If so…next step. If not, walk away.
Introduce yourself. “btw, my name is Bduck”. DO NOT ASK FOR HERS! If she gives you her name, go to next step. If not, excuse yourself and walk away. (you’ll be surprised the number who will not).
Talk with her a short period of time (like a minute) but not beyond that. Make like you need to go but ask for her phone number. If she gives it…go on to next step. If not (like really imaginative excuses come out or she asks “Why?”)…excuse yourself, walk away.
Have her number? Wait a few days, call her. Do not talk long but request date. She accept? Good luck. If she hedges/hard to pin down…excuse yourself…hang up…never call again.
There…my 101 course. It worked well for me. Be objective…do not allow wishful thinking to stop you from walking away when you should.
You should also do this at least once a day…even if you are not interested in your target. See if you can get the number. It’s practice and boosts confidence.
I am female, fairly plain, deeply geeky, and not much of an extrovert at all.
I have given my contact information to exactly zero men I don’t know.
I have been on I think three “dates” as they’re generally considered. (Dinner plus activity, paid for by the male, while still in the “getting-to-know-you” stage).
And yet, I’ve had boyfriends consistently since age 13 or so, and a lover or two in between each longterm relationship since I was 16. (And for the last 9 years, a husband who makes me incredibly happy.)
How?
I only go out with my friends. First comes the friendship, then (generally) the sex, then the relationship. As a happy side effect, I’m also still friends with most of my exes.
Make friends with women. Eventually, some of them may turn into lovers. But even if they don’t - you’ll still have friends.