Actually, I can. I guess you missed the part where I said I met them through personals.
Nope. I have little desire to be the kind of guy who can pick up scads of bikini models and take them back to my masion for hot monkey sex.* But it would be nice to develop the skills where I can followup “Hi!” with something other than “So, uh… Are you into… stuff?” Besides I love learning new skills. I took up conducting, art, model rocketry, computer programming, model trains, cooking, and homebrewing primarily because I love learning new skills. Why not social skills?
*Actually, that’s a deep desire. Come on, don’t we all want to be that guy?
Or it might be that people realized that they’re not cut out for married life (you don’t know until you get married, right?). Or maybe they grew apart (no fault there) or maybe they put everything they had into it and got nothing in return (no fault there, either). No all failed marriages are failed due to lack of effort.
Yeah, I think I missed that class too. When I first came out of lurking here I posted a long thread talking abut having basically the same issues, and as a result I ended up working to shift my entire social life. At that time I was basically a homebody, I would work, go home, sleep, repeat.
My first attempt after suggestions in that thread was to join a social club of some sort, I ended up joining a local tennis club. Good people, but it ended up being a poor fit for me because no one was within a decade of the same age as me.
So after a while, I tried again, this time I joined a local church. I’ll admit that right now I’m religiously…uncertain, but I said, “Screw it, I’ll give it a shot anyway, worse thing that could happen is that the people creep me out and I stop going.” I ended up joining their group for twenty-somethings that meets regularly, and it’s been nothing but awesome since then. Probably 60% of them are engineers of some type, so there’s immediately common ground there, and the makeup of the group is such that there are always things going on, you just have to speak up if you want to join in.
I’ve tried very hard to go into this looking for new friends, not a relationship, but if/when the opportunity presents itself, I’ll take it. Most of all, it’s finding that group of people you like to be around and talk to just because.
While it isn’t true for the church I’m going to right now, many churches out there are little more than social clubs once you get past the spiritual trappings. I guess what I’m saying is that even if you aren’t religious at all, you might find something out there that at least opens the social doors for you. Hell, at the very least, the Unitarian Universalists would welcome you with open arms, even if you were a Pastafarian :p. I even know of a local group that meets on Sundays here that is the “Humanist Community” with interesting speakers and social/charitable activities that are completely non-religious.
Whatever your social routine is right now, it clearly isn’t working towards what you want, so I say just dive in the deep with some group you barely know anything about and try to swim.
Blah, I’ve completely wandered off topic now (I think), but hopefully this is helpful in some way.
Huh? Sorry, I’m not really looking for a hookup right now. I’m pretty happy on my own, but thanks all the same. But you are kind of cute. Isn’t the Monet fabuous?
It seems that most people could get married if they lowered their standards enough. (Not that I’d recommend doing that.)
I kinda wonder if those of us who are married or in other long term relationships aren’t more successful, we just have lower standards than those who aren’t.
Wow, this thread is like a really friendly pile-on. No way I’m going to get to answer everyone I need to.
Funny, last week I met a woman on the train. We had a nice long conversation. It was an instant connection. It truly was love at first sight. I mean, it was a deep connection. Soul-mate stuff. And she was beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful that intimidates, but the kind I can get totally lost in. She was, in a word, perfect. In every way.
Keep in mind that it is a Pit thread. Of course it’s negative. I don’t start Pit threads praising puppies and rainbows and tulips. But IRL, I do try to be positive. I don’t always succeed. OK, I don’t always try. But sometimes I try.
On occasion, I try.
As far as local singles groups, I actually did find something like that. But now I can’t find the link. But I found lots of speed dating links. shudder
Because you’re using a definition of “social skills” that is counterproductive. I know probably a dozen or more single women, of all ages and types. All are “looking.” Except in some pretty extreme circumstances, none would respond to “Hi” from a stranger with evident romantic intentions, no matter how attractive he might be. If your idea of “social skills” is “the ability to go from zero to dating in sixty seconds,” then you’re out of luck - I certainly don’t know how to do that.
But those aren’t *real *social skills anyway. Social skills happen when you stop talking to women *qua *potential romantic partners and start talking to women as, just, you know, people. It’s a lot easier to get past that initial “Hi,” when there’s some common ground already present. Do something that you enjoy, and that you’re good at, and that other people can do with you. Then, just interact with the women you find attractive - at first - in exactly the same way you’d interact with a guy, or a woman you find unattractive. Don’t leap straight to “is this a dating possibility?” Just be. Talk shop. Don’t push. Don’t even think of it as an opportunity to “meet someone” - think of it as an opportunity to spend time with like-minded people doing something you enjoy.
Then, when you express interest in someone, it will seem more natural, more comfortable - and more real. Because you’ve gotten to know her, and it doesn’t seem like you’re asking her out just because she has nice whatevers.
I think some people might be less inclined to need to be with someone who is very similar to his or her self. My husband and I have very different interests. We agree on what we believe to be important, but in my observation, that is a much lower standard of compatibility than many people are willing to accept. I just don’t feel the need to like all the same stuff he does. Hell…I get my art fix via his ex-wife! We do the occasional acquiescing (yes, I’m going to choke down an auto race this weekend… :eek: ) but mostly, it’s not a huge deal for us. I’m sure that couples who dress alike would prolly want a more parallel relationship.
I understand this completely. But when people tell me it will happen, I understand that they are trying to be comforting. Still, I sometimes want to ask them “How do you know? Are you a psychic? You can tell the future? Why the fuck don’t you have Randi’s million by now?”
If you’re looking to hook up, beware Japanese courses… they tend to be filled with nerdy white guys who already have Japanese wives or girlfriends, or are looking for same. I wager other Asian language classes are similar. You want to be in the sweaty sultry Romance-language classes.
That would be the ones who answered “no” on both questions.
That would be a “no” under question 1 and a “yes” or “no” under question 2 depending on their feelings on marriage as a whole based on their own experience.
That is debatable. Outside of arranged marriages, secret polygymists, and marriages that had very short courtships where there wasn’t enough time to actually get to know the person before you get married, then there probably isn’t many other reasons why marriages fail. Lack of effort to maintain the relationship at the same level that was done during the courtship is probably the biggest root cause of failed marriages…either by one spouse, or both. I would hazard a guess that a vast majority of failed marriages start when one or both spouses takes the other spouse for granted and fails to meet the other’s needs. From that cause, the effects are being withdrawn, resentment, lack of sexual interest, lack of respect, boundary and control issues, affairs, financial problems, (etc. etc. etc.) occur.
I was just thinking a little while ago that if I ever do get married (and that’s a huge if), it might be smart to marry a divorcee. She, at least, might be able to recognize those pitfalls.
Social skills are, I think, the most important under-emphasised thing we need to learn about. For whatever reason, I didn’t get the usual dose of them when I was a kid, and I have had to learn them consciously much later in life. But I am only even now just beginning.
Social skills can be taught.
Critical to me was getting past fear, of just about everything, but that may not apply to others; it was a special feature of my own development. My learning started as counselling to put myself back together again after multiple deaths in the family, but after the immediate damage was repaired, we started to look at deeper issues.
These issues included, why was I so unsuccessful in attracting interest? I’m no movie star, but I’m not completely ugly, either.
I spent a lot of time learning to get outside the shell of my own fears and perceptions and desires–learning to set them aside for the moment–and just look at what was going on. In this way you have a greater chance of seeing any signals coming your way, both the positive ones (“Do come closer.”) and the negative (“back off!”).
Others in this thread have alluded to this: set your desires aside and just relate to people as people. It’s difficult, but possible.
The whole thing about increasing your social mixing and all is important, but releasing yourself from attachment to the outcome, so that you can actually see things, is also important. It’s often the 100 course to BlinkingDuck’s 101 course on What to Do.
