Love: It will "just happen"

[Sunspace]

@Brain Wreck

If you’re looking to hook up, beware Japanese courses… they tend to be filled with nerdy white guys who already have Japanese wives or girlfriends, or are looking for same. I wager other Asian language classes are similar. You want to be in the sweaty sultry Romance-language classes.

Well, the last time I took a French course, it was filled with nerdy white guys and one beautiful married Russian woman. I still want to take French, though; just not for the romantic aspects. It will be so darn useful in my life as a Canadian.

Maybe a Spanish class…

[Kalhoun]

@Yeticus Rex

That would be the ones who answered “no” on both questions.

That would be a “no” under question 1 and a “yes” or “no” under question 2 depending on their feelings on marriage as a whole based on their own experience.

That is debatable. Outside of arranged marriages, secret polygymists, and marriages that had very short courtships where there wasn’t enough time to actually get to know the person before you get married, then there probably isn’t many other reasons why marriages fail. Lack of effort to maintain the relationship at the same level that was done during the courtship is probably the biggest root cause of failed marriages…either by one spouse, or both. I would hazard a guess that a vast majority of failed marriages start when one or both spouses takes the other spouse for granted and fails to meet the other’s needs. From that cause, the effects are being withdrawn, resentment, lack of sexual interest, lack of respect, boundary and control issues, affairs, financial problems, (etc. etc. etc.) occur.

Actually, Q1: If you had to do it all over again, would you have married your current spouse? (Out of resentment of current spouse) doesn’t automatically mean the current or past spouse is resented. There are plenty of people who are divorced, still love their ex and can decide that they just don’t want to be married. Where is this resentment thing coming from? I bet there are plenty of people who would answer that question “yes” because it was right for them at the time. People change. Needs change. The whole “Til Death” thing strikes me as more of a sentence than a reality. If it works out that way, fine. But for most people, that’s not the case.

Same with Q2. I don’t think people resent marriage, per se. I think many people just come to an understanding that they’re living, changing beings, and promising something “forever” is simply unrealistic. It doesn’t mean you have to regret the time you had with your ex; it is a realization that change is natural.

[wonky]

@you with the face

The reason why I find the “it’ll just happen” line frustrating is because although it’s intended to give a singleton hope it often does the opposite. Maybe it’s the control freak in me, but I like to feel like I have the power to get what I want. Waiting around until the cosmic forces decide that it’s my time doesn’t appeal to my nature. So when someone says “it’ll just happen”, it sounds to my ear like they are really saying, “you might as well resign yourself to being alone because there ain’t nothing you can do to help yourself.”

Of course that’s not what they mean, though.

But on the other hand, the opposite alternative is a lot worse. Would you rather hear people list all the things you’re doing wrong or giving unsolicited advice about how you be seeking people? I know I wouldn’t.

I guess if I use the phrase, it isn’t meant to give hope, as such. If I said “it will just happen” I’m appending an “if it happens at all” in my head.

I think there is a certain amount of resignation that maybe does have to happen, for most of us at least. There’s a certain amount of letting go needed most of the time, I think.

@Kalhoun

I think some people might be less inclined to need to be with someone who is very similar to his or her self. My husband and I have very different interests. We agree on what we believe to be important, but in my observation, that is a much lower standard of compatibility than many people are willing to accept.

That’s an interesting point. Before I met my husband, I knew that I would have to marry a theist. I didn’t. And now I’m an atheist, too. If I had gone with what I think is common wisdom, I wouldn’t have married him.

[Kalhoun]

@Sunspace

Social skills are, I think, the most important under-emphasised thing we need to learn about. For whatever reason, I didn’t get the usual dose of them when I was a kid, and I have had to learn them consciously much later in life. But I am only even now just beginning.

Social skills can be taught.

I watched that IFC (or was it Sundance?) series “Ladettes to Ladies” which took a group of rough chicks from London and turned them into ladies. I think anyone can learn to not only present better to other people, but to honestly get more out of life because of it. It benefits more than your love life. Better jobs, a more varied group of friends, all of it.

[Thudlow_Boink]

@tdn

Funny, last week I met a woman on the train. We had a nice long conversation. It was an instant connection. It truly was love at first sight. I mean, it was a deep connection. Soul-mate stuff. And she was beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful that intimidates, but the kind I can get totally lost in. She was, in a word, perfect. In every way.

Except, of course, for the whole married bit.

Maybe you should pit people who believe in the sanctity of marriage.
FWIW, I can sympathize with a lot of what you’ve been saying in this thread.

[Jodi]

@Robot Arm

All good points, and all true. But when you’ve seen a great movie and want to talk about it, where do you go.

Generally, I talk it over with the person I went to the movie with.

When you’ve travelled to all the places you want to, who suggests something that you wouldn’t have thought of on your own?

The person (people) I’m traveling with, or the people I’ve talked to about trips before. I’m single, not contagious; I have friends and family. I don’t intend that to be snarky but come on – “single” is not the same as “alone,” just like “alone” is not the same as “lonely.”

ne some fascinating things because I had the freedom to do them, no question. Being with someone limits that, but isn’t it supposed to give back more than it takes, for both parties involved?

That’s the dream, all right, but I don’t for a minute think it pans out that way for everyone.

It’s one thing to have the chance at that, to consider it, and opt out; it’s another to look for it and not find it.

Sure, but since when is making the best of things something to be pitied instead of admired? I’d love to have an SO in my life and I’m certainly open to that possibility, but there isn’t one right now. I refuse to believe my life is therefore necessarily less worthy or fulfilling than it otherwise would be. What would be the value in that train of thought? We all have to play the hand we’re dealt and, for now, this is mine. And it’s a pretty good hand, thankyewverymuch. Bridget Jones was on to something when she complained about Smug Marrieds pitying Singletons, when everyone knows (or should know) that just as marriage is rarely the constant bliss as advertised, being single isn’t as bad as advertised, either.

[Klaatu]

Is this the fucking Pit or MPSIMS? Sweet Og, you people are a bunch of lameass whiners. You all overanalyze everything. If I met you in a social setting, I would immediately say to myself “What a fucking retard”.

Social skills? You don’t have any social skills. Stop trying to sound like an Eharmony blurb. Get off the fucking computer and go be real people.

Fucking idiots. All of you.

[Green_Cymbeline]

@tdn

I suppose that if you are a) A woman… then yeah. Maybe – MAYBE – it just might happen for you. But for those of us who live in the real world, that shit just don’t occur.

What? Do you really think women have no problem? Not true.

Mine is a sad tale. I am 31, attractive, smart, college-educated, professional with a good job, fun, caring, nice, faithful, etc., blah blah blah…

Well my second long-term relationship just went down in flames for apparently no reason. We were together for 2 1/2 years and just like that, he leaves.

Before that, I was with the guy for seven years before he took off.

I don’t know where the hell to meet people. My first long-term boyfriend I met in college, and the second I knew from high school. Now, I know lots and lots of people and am interested in none of them. I don’t want to hang out at bars and pick up guys, and don’t want to do online dating (I have browsed the sites and everyone seems so generic and all the same).

So I guess I’ll just have to wait for “true love” to just show up out of the blue. Yeah right. :rolleyes:

Anyway it’s not just hard for guys, it’s hard for girls too.

[Koxinga]

Is it true that really attractive women have a hard time finding someone because all the guys are intimidated to approach them (or maybe the guys who do approach are too shallow)?

[Autolycus]

@Koxinga

Is it true that really attractive women have a hard time finding someone because all the guys are intimidated to approach them (or maybe the guys who do approach are too shallow)?

No.

[dnooman]

@Koxinga

Is it true that really attractive women have a hard time finding someone because all the guys are intimidated to approach them (or maybe the guys who do approach are too shallow)?

Yes.

There is a type of woman that is hot enough to go through periods of being sans boyfriend, while still confusing the rest of the population of males. The rational ones assume that she’s taken, the douchebags really don’t give a shit either way, and are sometimes the only ones to ask her out in a given period.

I will always feel bad about the role that super hot chicks have in life, it’s not normal at all, and they are at a supreme disadvantage. They are, however super-hot, so life isn’t exactly an emo nightmare for them. I stick by the first statement though. Trophy…gah, I can’t continue. It’s too much.

[tdn]

@Klaatu

Social skills? You don’t have any social skills. Stop trying to sound like an Eharmony blurb. Get off the fucking computer and go be real people.

Fucking idiots. All of you.

Wow. I guess “Be an asshole” was was topping your “to do” list today? Perhaps “Fight ignorance” should take its place.

Just a suggestion.

My agenda for today starts with “Shovel out my apartment and make my space worthy of of me”, followed by “Go out and meet some new people, including but not limited to a couple of fun and excellent Dopers.”

[tdn]

@nyctea scandiaca

What? Do you really think women have no problem? Not true.

Not at all. I’m quite sure that women have just as hard a time of it. It’s just that the “It’ll just happen” people tend to be attractive young women who tend to get hit on a lot. Of course it happens to them all the time.

Mine is a sad tale. I am 31, attractive, smart, college-educated, professional with a good job, fun, caring, nice, faithful, etc., blah blah blah…

You sound pretty awesome! And FWIW, I think you deserve far better than the hand you’ve been dealt.

[orinoko]

I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
-Conor Oberst

[storyteller0910]

@Klaatu

Is this the fucking Pit or MPSIMS? Sweet Og, you people are a bunch of lameass whiners. You all overanalyze everything. If I met you in a social setting, I would immediately say to myself “What a fucking retard”.

Social skills? You don’t have any social skills. Stop trying to sound like an Eharmony blurb. Get off the fucking computer and go be real people.

Fucking idiots. All of you.

Holy shit! You have completely altered my worldview. My mind is blown. I can’t… oh god! I can’t continue this lie I call a life. I…

<wilts>

[Slithy_Tove]

@Klaatu

Get off the fucking computer and go be real people.

[Scarlet O’Hara] As God is my witness, I will not go horny again! [/Scarlet O’Hara]

[tdn]

@storyteller0910

Holy shit! You have completely altered my worldview. My mind is blown. I can’t… oh god! I can’t continue this lie I call a life. I…

Yeah, and ironically, it’s Klaatu that has shown the poorest social skills of all of us.

My brane herts.

[Green_Cymbeline]

@tdn

You sound pretty awesome! And FWIW, I think you deserve far better than the hand you’ve been dealt.

Thanks tdn, that actually helps and makes me feel better.

[Koxinga]

Hmm . . . I do say, isn’t this tdn the clever one . . .

[ParentalAdvisory]

@Robot Arm

I have lots of female friends. Who do you think is telling us “it will just happen”?

You know, I don’t think that’s it. What you really need to do is relax and be yourself!