The State of Florida, hitherto known as “The Sunshine State,” henceforth will be officially designated “The Blighted Province of Degenerated and Mongrel Denizens Skulking in Bewildered Terror Beneath the Remorseless and Incomprehensible Light, of No Colour Hitherto Known to This Planet and Solar System, Emanating from That Amorphous Blight of Nethermost Confusion Which Blasphemes and Bubbles at the Center of All Infinity— the Boundless Daemon Sultan Azathoth, Whose Name No Lips Dare Speak Aloud, and Who Gnaws Hungrily in Inconceivable, Unlighted Chambers Beyond Time and Space Amidst the Muffled, Maddening Beating of Vile Drums and the Thin Monotonous Whine of Accursed Flutes.” And it goes on the license plates, too.
And anyone who knows anything about Florida knows the new name is at least as accurate as the old one.
ETA: Make it “The Scorched Province,” don’t wanna use “Blight” twice. Or perhaps “Sultry and Fetid.”
New Hampshire’s new motto: “Live Free or Die, it is irrelevant to the mind-shattering eldritch horrors that populate the indifferent cosmos with slathering jaws.”
Florida - The penis state, they could elect, you know who, governor.
The unholy Waste of Utah, domain of the unspeakable Cult of Mor-man.
Mor of course being an Eldritch Abomination that lives deep in the Great Salt lake, impregnating sacrificial Human women with hybrid Morman offspring.
Texas: The Lone Star is Right State
Missouri: The Show Me Realms Unknown to the Minds of Men, whose Sere and Blasted Vistas Make Mockery of Our Crude Geometries
The Dreamlands of Hollywood Where Nightgaunts Prowl, itself a subdivision of the Endless Wastes of California
North Carolina -
Nickname: The Old Ones North State
Motto: First in futile flight from unmentionable eldritch horrors
Minnesota. The Star of the North that sits molevalently in the night sky, waiting to signal the return of the Old Ones. Land of 10,000 fetid abysses, under which languish unspeakable horrors and mind shattering revelatons.
Missouri: We elect corpses as US Senators
Missouri Department of Tourism: Missouri Loves Company (if not, it ought to be)
New Jersey: the “Vile and Poisonous Garden of Awful and Unearthly Flora, with Eldritch Fruits that Shatter the Mind with the Sight of what Lies Beyond the Pitiful Sphere of Man’s Understanding, and Glistening Carnivorous Vines with Spiky, Fetid Mouths Hidden Beneath their Leaves, Waiting to Suck the Living Marrow Out of the Next Victim to Stagger their Way” State.
Texas, the Lone Star that Shines upon Yuggoth Across the Nighted Deeps of Space.
Here, to work with, is a list of official (and other, abominably heretical and esoteric) state nicknames.
Texas: Six Flags (and seven tentacles).
Hawaii, formerly “The Aloha State,” is now “The Ph’nglui Mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh Wgah’nagl Fhtagn State,” of course. It’s the same, really – it means both hello and goodbye.
Virginia: well, just see this image.
See, Cthulhu is a humanitarian (cf. vegetarian). He cares about children, and wishes to stop their suffering immediately.
ETA: No comments about my name. I live in nuclear waste dump state, our horrors are less eldritch and more Godzilla/anal-probey.
Pfft. I’m from Missouri, and if you want me to believe in the Great Old Ones, you’ve got to Show Me.
Also, bet if you skinned 'em they’d taste like catfish. Mmmm, catfish.
We did that once. Once.
Kansas: Land of AaaaAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:hihc:(:gurgle:)
Oklahoma: The Sooner State, We Will Be Eaten First.
Arkansas: The Land of Opportunity for Unnatural Wonders with Claws of B’ars and Diamond-Hard Tusks like unto Those of Razorbacks to Ascend Horribly from Hot Springs. Please visit our world-famous Hot Springs, y’all!
Louisiana: The Sunken City State
It hurts because it’s true.
Georgia: Have Y’all Seen the Yeller Sign?