Using a wheelchair as I do, and have for more than 11 years, I inevitably find myself interacting with people who, upon hearing my story, tell me how lucky I am. I get regaled with anecdotes of people who have suffered much worse spinal cord injuries (or various whatever) than my own. “So, do you know how lucky you are?”
This has always absolutely driven me up a wall. What utter nonsense. What offensive nonsense. This is how I respond to those who feel the need to remind me how lucky I am: “You know, you’re right, I AM lucky. It could always be worse, there is always someone who is dealing with more than me. Now that I think about it, you know who is even luckier than me? YOU.”
To make this make a bit more sense, do you mind telling us your story? Cuz, like, if you jumped out of a plane and your parachute didn’t deploy, yet you lived and only lost the use of your legs, then that actually is pretty lucky. See what I mean?
Yes, but I didnt mean to say that the “you’re lucky” comments came as a result of anything SPECIFIC to the events of my “story”, rather just as response to being told that I was indeed in an accident. My story is much too long and complicated to tell people in brief chit chat that I meet/run in to during the course of my day. So in those instances I just say that I was in a car accident (not untrue).
I was in a car accident in 2000 at the age of 20. I ruptured my aorta in the car accident. The accident happened in Flint, Mi. and I was helicoptered to Detroit to a hospital renowned for cardiovascular treatment/emergencies. It was the emergency surgery to repair the ruptured aorta that paralyzed me. To treat the aorta (which supplies blood from your heart to the rest of your body) a clamp was placed on the ruptured section, in order to stop the bleeding and sew it back together. Well while that clamp was on, no blood or oxygen was travelling from the point of the clamp on down (including my spinal cord). The safe time limit for an aortic clamp is 30min. Any time exceeding 30min puts the patient at risk for permanent nerve damage. My clamp was on for 62min.
When I woke up in the ER a few days later (I had suffered a concussion as well), I thought I could walk. I could feel everything and no one was telling me I was paralyzed. That was because the doctors didn’t know. They had to wait and see just like I did. The risk for damage was known but the actual extent of damage done wasn’t able to be determined until I showed that myself. The paralysis is of a type known as “ischemic” paralysis. This is paralzyis due to blood loss, differing from blunt trauma paralysis which involves a severing of the spinal cord.
It has left me with many unique attributes and issues relating to my disability. “Blessed but Cursed” is the most apt description of my life in so many ways. On one hand, I don’t have to deal with many of the chronic hardships and health issues that are commonplace with SCI (spinal cord injury). I dont catheterize, I don’t suffer from spasms, I have full sensation and I have full sexual function. However, the issues I DO face are issues I must deal with basically on my own. I don’t want to take up TOO much time here, so I wont go into too much about those issues but they have forced me to be my own strongest advocate. Because if I’m not, no one will be.
*An added wrinkle to this story is I was paralyzed due to malpractice. The surgeon who perfomed the aortic surgery had the option of using equipment which would have artificially kept my blood circulating while the clamp was on my aorta. He didn’t use the equipment, suffering from what I call the “God Complex”. If that machine had been used, I, in all likelihood, would not be paralyzed today. But that is not something I hold onto. My life is my life.
Generally speaking, if someone is suffering from a malady or misfortune that you are not, telling them something like “you’re so lucky” is stupid and insensitive. It’s one thing to agree with them if they say it could have been worse; “I know someone who has it worse than you” is belittling and doesn’t help. I think a lot of people just don’t know what to do when they’re confronted by something like this sometimes they say things that are ridiculous.
There is nothing lucky about any injury or disability, save for the fact that one is alive. Too many people with perfectly serviceable bodies take good health for granted. I would give anything to trade places with someone who is diabetic due to their own appetites, addicted to drugs, tobacco, or alcohol, and various other self-inflicted afflictions. Those are the lucky people. They get to take full responsibility for their own bodily harm.
I’ve a handful of surgical scars that are visible in warm seasons, and I get similarly clueless comments from strangers, and sometimes my closest friends and family bumble into a lecture about how lucky I am. It burns me up, but I think people are just trying to relate in some way, attempting to say something positive. Motivational speakers with disabilities get a lot of press and attention, and I wonder if the general public perceives the disabled as optimistic, resilient heroes rather than equals. It is completely unfair, but not a bad rep to be saddled with.
Yeah, I see your point, “lucky” would have been rupturing your aorta and getting a doctor who did everything he could to save your life AND motor function. Drawing the doctor who cut corners? Not so much.
To satisfy my curiosity, I just had to google about ischemic spinal cord injuries and found a very good basic explanation on how that differs from traumatic spine injury and the differing potential treatments. Obviously, it’s mostly for everyone else’s benefit since I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, but it might save you some further typing and others some googling.
As I said, the “lucky” comments were not in response to the long, detailed, complicated explanation of what I actual endured. The comments came in brief chit chat passing in everyday social situations in response to me saying simply that I was in an accident. And the point of my OP was that people say stupid shit in a misguided (but generally good natured) attempt to make me feel “better”.
Yeah, I can see how that could be even more aggravating, but at least you realize they mean well and are just stumbling to find something positive to say. I’d probably find it hard not to say something like, “I’d really hate to see your idea of unlucky!”
You know, for most of us it’s very uncomfortable to know what to say when we’re face-to-face with a paraplegic. We’re not doofuses, but this is not a situation that we are faced with regularly.
We’re uncomfortable. We’re tongue-tied. We don’t know what the fuck to say and are trying our best.
It’s a difficult social situation and some of this stuff may look worse in print. But really, there’s no reason to tell someone they are lucky when they obviously don’t see it that way. And there’s no reason to make comparisons to someone else you know. Telling them you know something about what it’s like, sure, but ‘I know someone who has it even worse!’ is not helpful.
Hey! The two of us are actually in complete agreement about something!
Interesting medical history. Mine was a lot simpler - L2 & L3 break from a suicide attempt (long ago - I won’t discuss the circumstances of the attempt). Maybe our different circumstances are why we sometimes don’t see “eye to eye”.
“Yeah, I see your point, “lucky” would have been rupturing your aorta and getting a doctor who did everything he could to save your life AND motor function. Drawing the doctor who cut corners? Not so much”
Is this sarcasm? Because I don’t call it “cutting corners”. I call it “malpractice”. And so did the courts.
It can be hard to tell sometimes with written words. And it’s not like this board is lacking for sarcasm. If I erred in my assessment, Voltaire please accept my apologies.
If I erred in my assessment, Voltaire please accept my apologies.