Definitely make sure his SO knows he a) has a habit of sleeping around and b) has an STD. Wankjobs like this aren’t worth the air they breath.
And sorry about the health issues Eva–that just plain sucks.
I’d agree there’d be culpability on his part if the first were the case. Regarding the second, there would be some fault on his part, but depending on her length and degree of knowledge about his various “lying, cheating and manipulative” personality flaws during the relationship, she could be partly responsible for the consequence of her decisions, I think. It’s not as if what constitutes an abusive or bad relationship are a big mystery anymore. Of course, it’s not outside the realm of probability he contracted it before he’d ever met her and didn’t know it. Plus, he’s not here to defend himself and I’ve learned to generally never take any lone side of relationship rantings at face value.
I agree with CJ (who is always thoughtful and insightful), donate the goods to a women’s shelter. Please, alert the “other woman” to her danger, if not for any other reason than to protect her from the hell you are dealing with.
** Chief Crunch, ** I’ve never seen anyone with as much chutzpah as you, except possibly my ex. How dare you make judgements of any kind about a relationship you know nothing about? If you don’t want to believe me, then fine, but I’d appreciate it then if you would have some respect for someone who is having CANCER SURGERY tomorrow and keep your trap shut.
Not that it’s any of your business, but HE is the one who a) told me that he’d had sex with someone else, a near-stranger no less, after we’d been dating exclusively for more than 2 years, and b) told me, because, get this, he “respected me.” No, he certainly never coerced me into sex, but without going into graphic details, most reasonable people behave differently in long-term sexual relationships where both parties have first been tested for STDs than they do when they are in non-exclusive and/or short-term relationships. He put me at a level of risk which he knew I felt was unacceptable, and according to all the medical literature AND a specific conversation with my doctor, MY CANCER IS 95% PROBABLY THE RESULT OF THAT BEHAVIOR. All his other lying and manipulative behavior certainly pales in comparison.
Besides, I would express concern if someone thought there was a possibility I’d given him a sore throat, for chrissakes, let alone something which I will carry for the rest of my life and which could have killed me if not detected early. The fucker wouldn’t even let me get the second sentence out of his mouth (the one where I was trying to tell him that he, and anyone else he’d been intimate with since we broke up, were at risk and needed to get tested) when I called him without reciting a litany of his own unrelated problems.
Everyone else: the “other woman” angle is probably taken care of…my sister (her idea, BTW, not mine) is going to Planned Parenthood to get some lovey color pamphlets, which she will mail to his house in a bright yellow envelope marked “Some Important Information About Your STD.” I would never do it myself, but somehow I’m lacking the psychological wherewithal to talk her out of it.
“How dare you make judgements of any kind about a relationship you know nothing about?”
Because it was put on a public message board for discussion and dissection. That’s why.
</hijack>
This was good. Does your ex have any enemies you could give the stuff to whereby he’d have a coronary if he saw them sportin’ the things he’d paid for?
The doctor said there was a 95% chance you got HPV from him cheating on you?
According to the site you linked on the other thread HPV can take 10-20 years to develop into cervical cancer. Either one of you could have been carrying it for a long time. You had normal paps during the time you dated and then after you two broke up and suddenly in a space of one year you develop cancer so it has to be his fault because he cheated? It just doesn’t make sense. It could have been someone more then eight years ago. You weren’t both tested for HPV before you started sleeping together were you?
It could have been him. It could have been someone else. You could have given it to him. There is no way for you to find out and there is no way to prove it. I got my first bad pap after I had been with the same man for 9 years. Go figure.
I don’t doubt he is a jerk and a very bad man. I am sure that he did dozens of things wrong to you. But this might not be one of them and no one can prove it is.
To everyone:
I know there is no way to prove conclusively where the HPV came from. However, for your convenience, here is the scientific evidence again:
- He and I both had a full battery of STD tests BEFORE we were ever sexually intimate. Unless he lied to me then, too, we both tested negative for everything. I honestly don’t remember whether HPV was on the list, as we did it anonymously at the Public Health Dept., and it was so long ago that the link between HPV and cancer wasn’t commonly known or well understood. Our main concern at the time was HIV.
- I’ve never had a positive Pap until a month ago, and I have exams every year, religiously.
- It is extremely unlikely to have seven (or more than a dozen, for that matter) false negative Paps in a row.
3b. The cheating came toward the end of our relationship (at least, the cheating that I know about). - It is also extremely unlikely that the only other person I’ve been with in the past 8 years gave me the virus, as it was too recent for it to be likely that the HPV infection progressed to the cancerous stage.
- My ex ADMITTED after the fact that he cheated on me, repeatedly, with at least one person that I know of, whose sexual history is a big question mark. This was after we had been exclusive for more than two years, and after I discussed my complete lack of interest in non-exclusive physical relationships, defined as anything more serious than a peck on the cheek, which he acknowledged and promised to abide by. His reaction to my furious exclamations that he was a lying, cheating jerk was along the lines of “well, I never signed a contract that we were exclusive or anything, so I don’t think I did anything wrong.”
- I have discussed all of the above with my doctor, and she agrees that my conclusion is by far the most likely scenario.
- Even in the improbable event that he wasn’t the person who infected me with HPV, he’s still a schmuck for the aforementioned reasons, not that this is relevant to my OP (except that it explains why I no longer want any trace of him in my possession).
And for those who for some unknown reason find it necessary to comment on whether I am somehow at fault in all this: well, the OP related to creative ideas for what to do with unwanted tangible memories of my ex, not the justifiability of my negative feelings for him, or my own “complicity” in my fate. Unless you have contrary evidence that my ex is NOT a lying, cheating schmuck, or perhaps that he was somehow justified in being a lying, cheating schmuck, I suggest that if you don’t have anything constructive to share, that you hang out in another thread.
And FTR, one article I read said that a few strains of the virus are much more virulently carcinogenic and can progress much, much more quickly to the cancer stage (meaning inside of 3-5 years), but there’s no way to know which strain I have without some kind of funky DNA testing. I don’t know whether it even makes sense to find out what strain I have.
Comparing me to the ex? Cute.
See Hamadryad’s post. Also, I don’t think I made any judgements as much as opining that there may be more sides of the story.
Been there, done that. Of course, my cancer wasn’t resultant of any direct action on my part. If you wanted complete empathy and sympathy, why didn’t you post this to a cancer or STD support board?
It isn’t, but again you’re the one who is posting intimate details about your life on here. I understand it’s human nature to blame others when tragedy strikes; however, stating it is completely your ex’s fault when you don’t even have all the details is just plain wrong. Good luck, tomorrow, by the way.
Well, ** Chief Crunch, **
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how do you know where else I may have posted this? I’ve gotten much consolation, as well as some good medical information, in a variety of other places, online and otherwise. You’re the first person to offer any criticism. I didn’t ask for a critique of my ex-relationship, I asked for constructive advice on how to remove all traces of it from my life.
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There is NEVER an excuse for cheating. If you can’t keep your fly zipped anymore, then fine, dump me. I’m a grownup, and I can move on. But don’t expose me to huge health risks I haven’t consented to. I consented to sex with ONE person, whose history I knew. If I had known he couldn’t remain monogamous, I wouldn’t have been dating him in the first place.
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I posted here partly to vent, and partly to elicit some creative ideas for a specific question about what to do with some tangible objects. This business of blaming the victim sucks rocks. I have repeatedly stated that I acknowledge that there is no way to know for sure, given the current state of medical science, that my ex gave me HPV, but that his actions still prove that he’s an asshole. With the exception of your very last sentence, you’ve offered nothing constructive, so what is the point of your posting? What purpose does it serve?
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I’m blaming my ex for a) hurting me emotionally, b) for the very strong probability that he has hurt me physically; and c) for the fact that he has shown zero concern for anyone but himself. The probability that he didn’t give me the HPV is roughly equal to the probability that I am one of the approximately 5% of cervical cancer patients who didn’t contract the disease via the HPV route, which would mean that it wasn’t “a result of any direct action on my part.”
And again, it’s a very cheap shot to blame the victim, akin to blaming a kid for getting hit by a car because he crossed the street on a blinking light. I took a risk, yes, but was subjected to one far greater to that which I consented to, without my knowledge until after the fact. And for that, yes, I do blame my ex.
Typically, HPV is not tested for unless they think you have it. It’s a bugger of a disease. Men can have it, spread it, and never have a single symptom. Even if they are a carrier it won’t turn up in tests unless they show symptoms. It can spread whether you have sex with a condom or not. It can lay dormant for years. It is the only known cause of Cervical cancer. It definitely sucks, mostly for the woman. It is true, however, that any sexual encounter one has ever had may be the one where they have contracted it.
I wish you the best Eva Luna, and I feel for your terrible situation. Please know the above was posted in the spirit of fighting ignorance and not in judgement. The disease is one of (or maybe THE) the most common STDs and it yet is one of the least understood by the general public. I know alot of people who have had to deal with this virus and they are usually caught totally unawares. To talk about blame and fault with this particular disease is pointless unless you have slept with only one person. There is even some thought that you may be able to get it through toilet seats or underwear, but this is not proven as far as I know.
Your SO may be a jerk, but people should understand that the only way to fight against this disease is abstinence and barring that, if you contract the HPV, you can not conclusively blame it on any one lover no matter how much you may hate them, nor no matter how insensitive they may be. And people should also understand that they risk this disease every time they have sex whether they use a condom or not and whether they sleep with only one partner regularly or not. Its potential to remain dormant and the ease with which it spread ensure as much. These are the realities that one must take responsibility for if one chooses to have sex.
You will be in my thoughts. I hope your surgery turns out OK. Good luck.
DaLovin’ Dj
**DLJ, ** thanks for the good wishes. I do fully realize all of what you have posted.
And I have been in contact with the other ex, the most recent one, and have let him know that he (and his current S.O.) should be tested. This is because I am responsible, and I have respect for the well-being of others, even if we aren’t romantically involved anymore; they are still human beings. I also apologized for any inconvenience to him and his S.O.; he’s actually been quite human about the whole thing, and offered his good wishes as well. That’s what mature adults do when they realize they may have hurt someone else, even unintentionally. I’m sorry that some people are apparently incapable of either offering empathy, or at the very least remaining silent to refrain from adding more stress to an already stressful situation. And in the interest of fighting ignorance, I’ve lately been a one-woman public education campaign in re: HPV and cervical cancer.
And thanks to all who have offered constructive advice and support.
Eva, if I have caused you stress, then I sincerely apologize. Best wishes again for tomorrow.
Wonderful post DJ. The fact that the virus lies dormant and that cervical cancer can take 20 years to develop make it next to impossible to place blame on anyone in most cases. You can have it for years and not have a “bad” pap. I did for 10 years at least.
I do wish you luck Eva. I am currently going through a similiar problem except mine is not as advanced as yours. I am still in the “wait and see” mode.