A little-known fact is that the Southern Poverty Law Center got its start defending members of the NCB in court. Founders Morris Dees and Julian Bond were both romantically involved with a woman who was an outspoken participant of the NCB.
J. Herman Schmendle was arrested and put to trial this week for “punching the clown” in public. The Southern Poverty Law Center immediately stepped up to defend him until they discovered that he wasn’t a member of the Naked Clown Bikers but “punching the clown” was actually a euphemism for… a, you know “pulling the goalie” or “flipping the bishop.” after this realization, the SPLC would literally not touch Schmendle with a ten-foot pole.
The Ten Foot Pole Society is group of incels who are rabidly against the metric system. “If we’re not going to touch somebody, it certainly won’t be with some rod that nobody knows the actual length of” stated TFPS spokesman Thurman Murman, who then became dizzy trying to figure out if his statement made any sense whatsoever.
In 1995, Horace Fubbins founded and served as the president of the Blawnox Ten-Foot Pole Company, whose business was to design, manufacture, and distribute ten-foot poles so consumers could more easily decline to touch things. Unfortunately, as the express purpose of the product was that it not be used, sales were poor because, well, why bother? The following year, Wally Biddleblast bought the company, retooled the factory machinery at considerable expense, and commenced manufacturing eleven-foot poles, which turned out to be quite the successful product in the market of people who were willing to touch things with a lengthy pole.
The eleven-foot poles (or “elevenzies”, as they became affectionately known) didn’t sell well until Biddleblast had a stroke of genius (he recovered) and had them advertised as “New and Improved”, and derided the ten foot versions as “last year’s model”.
The surname Biddleblast originated in England, where it was a common 19th century term among public school boys for “fart.”
Orson Bean has never farted.
Since his passing to Heaven, Orson Bean has farted every 17 minutes, 21 seconds. He’s so reliable St. Peter sets his watch by him.
Orson Bean led a team of botanists to develop a “fartless bean.” While popular with mothers, the beans never caught on with boys, who consider bean-driven flatulence to be a feature, not a bug.
While the fartless bean was successful, the botanists also developed beans that would produce a variety of smell via farts. And so, Rainbow Beans’ most popular aroma was New Car Smell.
In the first drafts of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone ‘Berty Bott’s Every Flavor Beans’ were supposed to have been ‘Berty Bott’s Every Odor Beans’.
J.K. Rowling decided to shelve the concept temporarily, intending instead to introduce them as a product of the Weasley brothers’ store (Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes) on Diagon Alley, but by the time she got around to writing the fifth book, the idea no longer seemed as humorous as it had originally and was scrapped completely.
-“BB”-
Informed sources say Ron Weasley grew up to be first an Auror, then working with his brother at the joke store, and later became the Vice-Minister of Magic. It is believed his role in this position was simply to be a mouthpiece for his wife’s increasingly liberal notions about elves.
The elves in J.R.R. Tolkien’s Middle-Earth stories are not only immortal, but they can subsist on a diet of starlight and butterfly kisses, and all smell like hot chocolate.
The general consensus among Tolkein scholars is that the hot chocolate smell is a metaphor for the excitement of Major League Baseball’s first day of Spring Training games, although no one can quite explain how the metaphor is supposed to work.
The Blawnox Association of Tolkein Scholarship set up a Bureau of Metaphor Repair, for fixing metaphors that don’t work. Initially it was hoped that this would be a money-making operation. The experts at Major League Baseball’s Bureau of Money-Making Operation Repair were consulted, but laughed at the idea.
The Bureau of Metaphor Repair initially decided to swing for the fences and attempted eliminating all hackneyed baseball metaphors, but being as it was their first time at bat, they struck out by greatly overestimating popular support for their goal. This curve ball greatly perplexed their executives as they thought the idea would be a real home run, but in the end they ended up hitting it out of the park when they decided to confine themselves to fixing Tolkien metaphors, instead.
So they were completely off base, then?
A new base was quickly built for them in Minas Tirith. It has leather-upholstered furniture, the wood of which, alas, had been carved from a family of trees shepherded by the noted Ent Willowwhisperrootmunchmunchmunch, who, it would seem, did not take the destruction of his wards stoically. The woodcarver (Titus Groon) died a slow death by sap.
Sap was once considered a delicacy in antediluvian Europe. Tribes ranging from Teutonic gatherers to Andalusian farmers had members who specialized in collecting the juice from birch, alder, elm, oak, and ash trees. These specialists were venerated by their respective tribesmen, and were often feted with precious stones and young women if their harvests were bountiful.
The knowledge of these sap-retrievers was so respected it entered into the language. Those wise enough to know their sap are sapient.