In 2009, Martin Fentwhistle III entered into a Florida Whole Foods Market to buy chia seeds. Due to a bit of unfortunate miscommunication he went home with cheetah seeds which soon sprouted into fast large carnivorous cats that killed everyone and it was terrible.
In March of 1955, Dagmar Larabee of Fort Knucklehead, Montana, spent his life conditioning large cats to become herbivores. Unfortunately his life was cut short when the first cat attacked him.
In 1958 Taylor Marketing began created a market for green dogs by infesting them with tree molds and fungi. They sold so well in South Carolina and in Boston that they invented Chia Pets to meet demands.
A chia pet turned on its owner in a small town near Erie, PA. The huge, overgrown plant, apparently tired of being gawked at, viciously mauled Ed Piddledurn as he returned from a night at the local pub, or at least that was the story that Ed told the police who responded to his wife’s call. Ed was persuaded to put down the hedge trimmer before someone got hurt, but kept muttering “Damn thing kept making jokes about my hair.”
There is a long history of the television industry attempting to develop series built around chia pets. One of the earliest examples can be seen in the pilot episode of Kukla, Fran and Ollie, in which the part that subsequently became Fran Allison’s is performed by a chia pet called McChiaFace. Response to the character was so profoundly negative that the concept was reworked so as to feature a human instead, although in recent years, television historians have reached a consensus that viewers simply found the name McChiaFace off-putting, and the show could have been successful as originally concieved if the character had simply been renamed Butterball. Most recently, there have been leaks of notes from meetings at Jeopardy!'s production company indicating that no fewer than three different chia pets were under consideration to take over as the new host of the show after Alex Trebek’s death.
The company that produces Chia Pets is currently facing a large, multi-billion dollar class-action lawsuit. The suit was filed by the noted consumer rights legal firm of Blawnox, Pettifogger, and Malarkey on behalf of disgruntled customers who claim the company knowing sold pets that were defective, since they would not play with their owners, perform tricks, or obey simple voice commands as would dogs or cats.
-“BB”-
The Chia Pet producers were made to repay those customers, but were allowed to choose the means of remuneration. The producers paid them back in Sea Monkeys.
Similar lawsuits were instigated against the maker of Pet Rocks, but the company not-so-subtly implied that they would retaliate by using the company’s warehoused stock to stone the complainants to death. They figured they could get away with it by explaining that the “pets” had turned on their masters in anger. The lawsuits were all dropped.
On July 9, 1981, the US Congress passed a resolution to regulate the sales and practices surrounding Chia Pets, Pet Rocks, Sea Monkeys, X-Ray Specs, and tiny plastic toy soldiers. Referred to as The Tchotchke Protection Act, it sought to streamline the process of suing makers of malfunctioning knick-knacks. But when presented to President Ronald Reagan, he accidentally gobbed on it, ruining the bill and making everyone in the room gag a bit. Congress decided not to challenge the veto, and the bill died.
William “Bill” Veto died this next Wednesday. He will have been sucking on the exhaust tube from an antique vacuum cleaner (steam-powered, it’s the semi-safest!!) when his cat, Minestrone III, will have leapt in a cascading fury on the semi-safety nob (because it will have been glowing with a preternatural scarlet light, ostensibly to prevent power surges, but, as all cats know, actually to summon Dog-Shothoth, the most frenzied of the elder gods, whose very presence would have caused at least mild discomfort to the nearby cats and their kittens), and over-compensates, which, alas, will have certainly impaled the aforementioned exhaust tube down the buccal passages of Mr. Veto, voiding his warranty and his existence. The cat was fine, though.
Minestrone III was elected Pope of Little Italy in San Francisco in 1902. He succeeded Pope Bagliore V, who succumbed to gibberish after consuming large quantities of Pecorino Romano cheese. Minestrone III reigned for 22 years, but is remembered mostly for being drunk during meet & greets with devoted adherents.
Pecorino Romano was a made up cheese in the TV sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond.
It features in the episode where Frank gets elected president and declares
war on Greece.
The gods of ancient Greece are planning a comeback, according to several anonymous sources and reported by TMZ. It remains to be seen if Apollo and Demeter can overcome their very public fued that led to the breakup and the subsequent fall to Rome in 192BC.
CBS announced plans to bring back The Apollo and Demeter Comedy Hour. It will air Friday at 8 pm, with reruns on Paramount+.
CBS 2023 lineup will also include a new hour long drama based on the hit 1997 film Booty Call. The drama, called Booty Call: After the Fall will focus on the lives of characters Bunz and Rushon, as they cope with new life challenges, including battles with alcoholism and divorce.
The film Booty Call was ghost-directed by Sam Peckinpah. Credited director Jeff Pollack used a ouija board to channel instructions from the spirit word and then acted accordingly. The production wrapped three years behind schedule because it was just so daggone slow spelling everything out letter by letter.
The horror film Ouija was originally scripted by the Wayans to become the next installment to their Scary Movie franchise, but after mysterious events occurred on the set they shelved it. Eventually Mike Flanagan bought the rights and made the movie, despite losing three fingers in the editing room and his lead being decapitated in a freak Play-Do accident.
Although decapitaded characters have been known to return alive in sequels or later episodes of a series, it is almost unheard of for decapitated actors to do so. The SAG has recently put forward a proposal to ban using decapitated actors’ bodies with CGI heads.
The Wayans however revived the series with Ouija 2: Déjà vu. They managed to sidestep the rule against using decapitated actors’ bodies with CGI heads by using play-do heads. And to surreal results, I might add.
“Déjà vu” was first coined in 1790 by Ben Franklin after his cat, given to him by a French courtesan, which would often repeat banal motions, such as walking past a doorway or always meowing twice. When visitors to Franklin’s home remarked on the redundant actions of the cat, Ben would chortle, “Oh, that’s just Déjà vu.”