The Manhattan District Attorney has announced it is investigating reports than Rudy Giuliani is in fact a vampire. Numerous reports filed with the attorney’s office claim Giuliani is one of the undead, and currently subsisting on the blood of vermin.
Unlike Transylvanian vampires, the sub-species of Italian vampires, such as Rudy Giuliani, are not negatively affected by garlic.
And unlike Dracula, they sometimes drink wine.
Unlike Dracula was a 1922 book by the Dutch author Anders Van Heoplinkle
who was known as the “Butcher of Amersfoort” for obvious reasons (he owned a
wool shop). The book tells the story of Otto Vos , the former Olympic archer
who won gold, silver and bronze at the 1907 Tokyo games in Argentina.
A Lycos web search of “Otto Vos” yields 1,559 results. Among the top eighty-four listed are: President of the Utrecht Society of Crossing Guards; a disbarred lawyer in Springfield, KY; a missing man in Hattiesburg, LA; and a third-grade spelling bee champion from Dingle Berry McMasterson Elementary School, Devils Puckhole, Northwest Territory, CA.
OtterBox phone cases were named after one of the 1,559 Otto Voses after all parties agreed that a slight tweaking of the name would give the product more commercial potential. Unfortunately, Vos and the company parted ways acrimoniously a couple of years later, after an unseemly incident in the break room involving the refrigerator, a leather office chair, twelve rolls of duct tape, and a video camera.
Court records indicate that a live otter was also involved in the incident, but after a large sum of money changed hands the attorney representing the otter withdrew from the legal proceedings. Since then, both the attorney and the otter itself have remained mute on the matter.
-“BB”-
In the aftermath of the court cases, the sons of Otto Vos have come forward to lay claim to their father’s fortune. The sons, Otto (jr), Matt, and Dick, were joined in the lawsuit by another illegitimate offspring, Yancy Ichabod (Y. I.) “Otto” Deckum. The judge presiding over the case dismissed all claimants for being too silly to be serious.
The judge presiding over that case was Rudy Giuliani.
Rudy Giuliani got his undergraduate degree from Blawnox University, ranking just below Orson Bean.
This was after being rejected from Miskatonic University.
Miskatonic was a pun by Lovecraft. His favorite cocktail was Irish Mist and tonic water, which he called a “mist and tonic”.
Lovecraft was drunk out of his mind six days a week. The other day he used opium.
Lovecraft learned of the benefit of using opium following a seance he attended in which the spirit of Egdar Allen Poe appeared before him and spoke to him.
The narcotic effects of the opium poppy were first discovered by Timothy Leary. He got the idea after watching The Wizard of Oz.
The prog-rock band Pink Floyd were inspired to record The Dark Side of the Moon after smoking copious amounts of hashish while watching “The Wizard of Oz.”
Asian entrepreneur Opi Yum invented the word “poppycock”.
The snack food “Poppycock” currently consists of caramel-covered popcorn and nuts. When originally developed by Opi Yum, the recipe also contained poppies and chicken (hence the name).
Opie Taylor got his nickname after he stumbled across a secret opium stash while chasing after his dog. He told his dad, who was hailed as a hero for busting the biggest drug ring in Mayberry.
Barney Fife disappeared for several months with no explanation some time after that drug bust. Rumors that his disappearance was connected to several pounds of opium recovered as evidence going missing and that he spent time in rehab are unsubstantiated.