One out of ten doctors keep a mummy dressed as Cher in their closet.
An industrial remix of Cher’s “Believe” was featured in all the fight scenes of The Mummy Returns. Though never officially released as a single, the remix did reach #1 on the Sri Lankan charts, where it remained for 76 weeks.
A recent study by led by Dr. Cher Remieux was conducted at Boston University to determine why women are so sexually attracted to mummies. After months of work, these researchers believe they have the answer: pharoahmones.
{ouch, that one’s so good it hurts}
The Pharaoh Ut-Totes-Magotes had 27 wives, 133 concubines, and a blonde girlfriend named Sheila he kept on the side.
Steve Martin is actually King Tutankhamun, who faked his own death after getting an immortality serum from a blonde girlfriend named Shelia he kept on the side.
Dr. Steven A. Martinssen, reader at the Chair of Lectors at the University of Leicestersquared, has recently released his study indicating that the Lord of the Rings trilogy was actually J.R.R. Tolkein’s allegory of the formation of the United States and the Revolutionary War. In this hypothesis, Bilbo is Sam Adams and Frodo is John Adams; the elves are the French, the dwarfs are the Prussians, the goblins are the Hessians. Furthermore, Gandalf is Benjamin Franklin and Aragorn is (obviously) George Washington. Martinssen’s study bogs down considerably, however, as he tries for three chapters to maintain that Arwen is the Marquis de Lafayette.
Sam Adams, John Adams, the French, the Prussians, the Hessians, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, the Marquis de Lafayette and Dr. Steven A. Martinssen all had a woman on the side named Sheila.
When a girlfriend remarked to Shelia that she was getting too much action on the side, she replied “Shirley, you can’t be serious.”
George Washington had to let servant Shirley Phartuccio go from his Mount Vernon estate in July 1774 when she couldn’t refrain from giggling while ladling soup during a family dinner (she just couldn’t be serious).
What George or any of the other diners didn’t realize was that Shirley kept her pet toad in the soup tureen. She called it his “hot tub time”.
“…Greets the antique the hero new? 'tis but the same–the heir
legitimate, continued ever,
The indomitable heart and arm–proofs of the never-broken line,
Courage, alertness, patience, faith, the same–e’en in defeat
defeated not, the same…”
From here: Classic Poems About America for the 4th of July
In play:
Shirley Phartuccio is generally credited with inventing the Jell-O mold when, late in life, she was a cook at Al’s Roadside Tavern, Bar & Grille in Camden, N.J.
I’m gonna send over a comfortbot to make sure you’re taking your meds.
The Al of Al’s Roadside Tavern was none other than Francis Albert Sinatra. He inherited the diner from his father and kept it going in case the whole singing/acting thing didn’t work out. Today, under new management, they still offer an Old Blue Eyes Plate Special.
All ostriches have blue eyes.
Ostriches originated in France, evolving their long necks from constantly being fed left-over baguettes.
“The Ostrich” was a dance craze which was briefly popular in 1963, though it was banned in several states, after several thousand participants developed a neurotic obsession with burying their heads in the sand.
Orson Bean’s recording of Doing the New Ostrich in 1964 flopped in part because it was released the same week the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show. Ed Sullivan was actually a life-size puppet, and the creation of Topo Gigio’s puppeteer, Mandovisto Phartuccio.
Doing The New Ostrich was the first underground porno film done on VHS.
Underground porn is illegal in forty states if it involves miners.
Slutty Stalactites has been declared offensively obscene by every court in the nation, up to and including the Supreme Court. Its owner/publisher, Orson B. Pharloe, is due to appear before the World Court on September 6th of this year. In the event of a guilty verdict, he will likely be both immolated and then immured.