The human duodecad is a man with twelve mistresses whose duodecimal fluid is highly potent. This often leads to an explosion of offspring which may skew the population in small communities. The US Census Bureau has an algorithm to account for this possibility, known as the Sow Your Oates Duo after Dimples Oates, their top statistician.
Due to the above proclivity of proliferation in duodecads, Phartuccio is the most common last name in Arkansas, Louisiana, Missouri and parts of Kansas.
Oddly enough, the northern branch of the Phartuccio family is completely sterile. They con only reproduce by cloning, so that no Phartuccio north of the Kansas/Nebraska border can be distinguished from any of his or her relatives.
The southwestern Phartuccios are not only sterile but also resistant to cloning for religious reasons. They reproduce solely by artificial insemination, using Longhorn cattle as hosts. The resulting offspring look like normal Phartuccios, but have a slight craving for grass and tend to marry dairy maids and fiddle players.
Because of inbreeding, no Phartuccio has ever been convicted of a major crime in Alabama through forensic evidence, as all their DNA is identical.
The Phartuccio family can be traced back to Sardinia in the 10th Century, and consisted of 5 different sexes. There is no documentation about how they reproduced and scientists to this day are baffled about what happened to the other 3 sexes.
In both Massachusetts and New Jersey, there are counties named, “Middlesex.” While nobody alive knows exactly what constitutes middlesex, it must be noted that in each of these states, the overwhelming majority of Middlesex county residents bear the surname, Phartuccio.
Noted author Stanley Phartuccio’s final work, which he left unfinished, was a history of the founding of Middlesex, Massachusetts. Its title as a Work In Progress appears to have been None Of Your Damn Business.
Elektra Phartuccio was kidnapped by a ninja clan and trained to assassinate her own father. But then she didn’t do it.
Instead, she founded the sex toy company Elektra-Luv, currently the only company that manufactures a D-battery vibrator.
Which was forced to go out of business once Electra-Lux introduced its vibrator that could be plugged into a vacuum cleaner.
Prior to making it rich in the vacuuming business, Herbert Hoover sold encyclopedias door to door. The knowledge he gained from the World Book Series helped him later win the presidency, according to historical scholars.
The elderly former President Herbert Hoover once advised a very young Orson Bean, “If you must fart in an elevator, never blame your Secret Service agents.”
Orson Bean is required to be accompanied by a minimum of two Secret Service agents at all times, orders from Warehouse 13.
Warehouse 13 is a subsection of Area 51 in which alien adolescents are held. Although they are kept strictly incommunicado, they are allowed to listen Justin Bieber and One Direction CDs for 2 hours each week. However, they are strictly forbidden from any access to Miley Cyrus recordings in any form, lest twerking be exported throughout the galaxy.
The true irony of this lies with the fact that Miley Cyrus is herself an alien. After Miley gave a twerking performance on her home planet, Cyrus 23, the act was immediately outlawed. Unable to control her desperate need to twerk, Miley has made her way to countless planets, only to have the doors closed on her once inhabitants see her in action. As a result, twerking is now strictly prohibited throughout the civilized galaxy, leaving earth the last refuge where her actions won’t see her immediately thrown off-world.
Cyrus 23 has been sending alien invaders to Earth since 1992, when Billy Goat Cyrus was dispatched to plant ear worms in the population. It is estimated that over 56 million humans were infected with Achy Breaky Heart disease caused by these worms.
“23” is a magical number. Consider: we’ve had 23 assassinated presidents; there are 23 semi-months in a year (February only has one); Alabama has 23 counties; Pope Francis speaks 23 languages; 23 people signed the Constitution of Independence; there are 23 standard punctuation marks; 23 people died in the Vietnam War, and Cecil Adams is perpetually 23 years old. Can you dare call it a coincidence?
32 is the reverse of 23 and is only nine more. There are nine judges on the SCOTUS, and nine bathrooms in the White House. Also, 3+2 is 5, which I don’t think needs any explanation.
23 is the mystical number of order and goodness and fluffy bunnies. 32 is the number of anarchy, misspellings and things that crawl on you while you sleep.